last night i went to youth group right after therapy and it was okay. i really don't know where i am in my faith right now so i'm not even sure what to say about youth group :-( i tried calling lauren but something was wrong with my mom's cell phone, but i still tried calling megan also and, of course, it didn't let me :-( ugh!!! but yeah. i drove home and my mom made me go the verrrry long way on the highway. so what could have taken us like 5 minutes, ended up taking like 20 minutes. oh well. it was cool. when i got home i got online and talked to my lover, sara, of course! then, around like 10:00, as i was getting ready to take a shower allie got online and imed me..so i told her id take one really quick. so i did and then came back and talked to her so. AND sara, my love! then they both left and i put up and away saying i was going to bed, but i stayed on so i could finishing updating my diary. and megan signed on..and something told me to im her..i was dead tired, but i imed her anyways. and yeah. we talked until almost 1:00 this morning. i LOVE you megan!! sooo freaking much! i have to tell you about my dream i had last night, when i FINALLY fell asleep! okay, it was me, lauren and some other people at this party or whatever, and lauren and i were having so much fun. we were hanging out and EVERYTHING!! she was smiling..i was smiling. it was perfect. but then all the sudden she walked out of the place. so i followed her, asking her what was wrong. but she didn't answer forever..and when she did she was like, "ashley, you're my child!" and i was like, "WHAT??" and she as like, "no..i'm not comfortable around you!" and i was like, "WHAT?? lauren we were just in there having more fun than we have EVER had together!! what do you mean you don't feel comfortable around me??" and in the dream i started crying. and the whole time she kept walking and i kept following her. and then she was like, "we can't be friends anymore..we just can't!!" and i didn't understand. i was like, "no..please! why are you doing this? what are you talking about? we can't be friends? why..lauren why?? and she never said anything. she just kept walking and i just cried and i kept following her repeating the same questions over and over. and finally, after no answer from her i just stopped following. and she kept walking. i just let her go. i stood there and just let her go. and she NEVER looked back!! i don't know if dreams mean anything but i hope to god this one means NOTHING!!! i woke up crying!! anyways. today wasn't a very good day at all. besides little parts here and there. but mostly, it was bad! during first period studyhall i wrote lauren about my dream and stuff. second period i finished drawing megan something and wrote a little message on it! it was cute, i must say :-) third period i took notes for history. fourth period spanish i finished lauren's note, and i didn't even care if i wasn't paying attention because i wasn't in the mood for that class at all!! fifth period i went to lunch where they were setting up a bunch of very pretty pictures and art work by people from the high school and middle school. it was mashed potato day too so yay!!! lauren came in to get a candy bar because i guess she was so hungry it was making her sick or something, but she couldn't stay, so i gave her the note and she left. on thursdays she can't stay. i hate thursdays!! anways. sara and clay made me happy because they are just wayyy too cute!! i can't handle it! hah! but anyways. sixth period i had math!! YAY!! i LOVE math because of tara!! she made me a very pretty picture that said "i love ashley brooke dunn" and in the heart it said "always" then she wrote "Tara loves me" really tiny, allll over the paper. and she wrote at the bottom "you are the sweetest kid i know :-)" yay!! it seriously made my day! and i wrote her a note DURING math and i had already bought her a cookie :-) like always!! then with 5 minutes of math left, tara and i went up to the third floor to wait on lauren, since she has spanish with her. and when lauren came she never even said anything, besides "i have to go to the bathroom." so tara and i went down to the end of the hall, by the girls bathroom, and waited for lauren to come out, but that was dumb because all she did when she came out was smile and wave! yes, she freaking waved!! god..i wait for her forever and she can't even talk to me. why does everyone else seem to care about me except her?? why?? sara does. megan does. braden does. tara does. freaking everyone does EXCEPT lauren!!!! i hate it so much! does anyone know what it's like to have someone be so important to you, but at the same time knowing that you will NEVER be as important to them?? anyone?? well i do..i know how it feels all to well and i'm so sick of feeling this way. i can't stand it anymore. anyways. tara walked me to the elevator because she cares. and i think she knew how upset i was about lauren because i had tears in my eyes, plus she knows all about what lauren does sometimes..and she asks me all the time why i do so much for lauren when she doesn't do anything for me. so yeah. i wanted to cry so bad on the way to gym but i didn't because i couldn't. so i just got there and acted like everything was okay. it's amazing how easy that has become for me..to act like nothing's wrong. it's absolutely amazing to me. anyhow, i wrote allie something during gym because she wrote me something the other day during lunch and i told her i'd write her back. so of course i did. i always keep my promises. after gym i went to biology and we watched more of the movie about charles darwin that we have been watching the past 2 days! and mr miller was being retarded as always! i swear he doesn't know what nice is!! then i went to english and saw sara, who knew something was wrong bc she always does. i only told her half of what was wrong though. the other half is someone else's choice when they want to tell her. but yeah. now i'm home and i wish i were with megan right now because she's so freaking sweet!! i'm babysitting baby megan right now! but only for a little bit. well i think this has been long enough! i've done nothing but ramble. sorry! i'm so confused about what my heart is saying right now. not only with braden, but with lauren as well. so i don't know. i hate relationships so much..and i know i'm not the only one. certain relationships are the ones that keep you going, while others are the ones that tear you apart. i don't know if everyone has both kinds of relationships, but i know i do. my friendship with sara, megan, allie, tara and my youth group are the ones that keep me going. but my relationship with lauren is the only and only one that tears me apart. all the time. okay. later.