i cant believe this year is already gone. ugh, if i could think of one word to describe my first year of highschool it would be stressful. i wish i could think of a different word, but thats the only one that fits. we moved again in april so i this is my fifth home in this city..but atleast its still in the city. so there are about four guys at my school that i "like" they're all skaters, imagine that...but i do have a favorite...robby, i didnt see him today at school though. i feel like i need to make a move and soon. hes two years older than me, next year he'll be a senior, which sucks. i wish i knew him. dont you hate that? when you just to know someone that you dont know. yea, it sounds kinda weird when i put it like that, but you know what i mean. he's just so cute in his tight jeans and with his gaged ears and facial piercings. ugh, he sounds messed up but hes cute, trust me. so today i realized that marc can be a huge jerk. on friday he was purposey saying all the things that he knew would make me mad and hurt my feelings. everyone gets their feelings hurt for different things. he doesnt think that being called shy is an insult but i take it as one. the point is that he got all cranky on friday and started calling me all these names and then he told me i was shy but it was the way he said it that upset me. he said (and by the way, hes kinda feminine) "vanessa, you're shy, okay? everyone knows it, everyone things so. just get over it." then he started asking everyone else at my lunch table "hey, do you think vanessa is shy?" and i just sat there with my hands shielding my face listening to them try and say it as nicely as possible. i wish they never answered marc. no one at that lunch table knows me. if anyone knows me it's nicole because for the past few days during science, instead of researcing our science project we were just talking the whole time. so right now, she knows me best. i told her how much it upsets me when people call me shy and she said "i dont get why they were saying that to you. after talking to you these past few days, i dont think you're shy at all. i didn't really know you before so i couldn't say." thats just the thing, no one at the table knows me. i dont want them to know me. all they see in me is someone who likes screamo and michael jackson and guys who wear tight jeans and eyeliner and they're all like "ew, shes weird because she doesnt like justin timberlake and abercrombie and fitch like we do." lately, ive been feeling like even the people closest to me dont know me like i do. ive been praying and praying that ill find someone, preferably someone at my school, someone who lives nearby, someone deep and nice, (preferably a boy =]) to be friends with. there's got to be someone out there who can understand my vast complexities. that's why if i ever were to run into robby and make a move i would try to come off as outgoing and yet approachable as possible. i want to avoid him ever thinking for a second that im shy, because to tell you the truth, im not extremely shy or extremely outgoing. i guess when someone asks you a question like "do you think vanessa is shy" the person answering feels like the answer has to either be black or white. but i would say im kinda grey (that rhymed) and i dont think either the word shy or outgoing can sum up who i am, and im determined not to let others think it can. im not saying im perfect, because im sure if someone were to ask me a question like if someone was shy id feel like i had to pick one too, but i feel like the thing that makes me different is that i acknowledge the fact that there is more than one word to people and i try to remind myself of that. when im at school i look around at all the people i dont know or only think i know because we share notes in health class or even the people i talk to everyday but never see out of school and i remind myself that there is so much more to that person, and if they ever feel like sharing with me who they are, ill be all ears and i wont judge them. ♥vanessa