i haven't written anything since i left for college. hmph.

i've been here for over a month. i love it here, it's beautiful, every day is no matter what the weather. everyone here is really nice. it's hard to feel at home sometimes though. i don't feel that close to anyone here except maybe lena. she and i have had so many conversations. we've talked about culture, language, sex, alcohol, partying, drugs, war, school, people, boys, religion, animals, etc. i'm so happy she is my roommate. we're really a lot alike even though we grew up in completely different worlds.

i love my house and i like everyone in it. i think i would feel a bit more at home if only the people in my suite were social. everyone on the hump (that's the suite i live in), doesn't talk. the only people that i ever talk to even a little bit are kaitlyn and sophie (from maine and l.a.) but sophie never really talks much except when she's drunk. they're both really sweet, cute, unique people and i like their styles a lot, but they have different groups of friends. lots of groups of friends. everyone seems to know everyone and i don't understand that..

i only know certain people and then like a creep i know of people just by accident. no one knows me. some people have "met" me three times because they forget that they ever met me in the first place which kind of hurts but i learn to get over it. it gets most lonely on weeks like this when i have so much work to do that i am either working non-stop or resting on my breaks or eating or showering or just doing things to get by. i have no time to socialize or sit and chat, at least not if i have class the next day. it will hopefully get easier despite the fact that after mid-term, i'll be adding another class to my schedule. i just pray about it.

i have sixteen hours worth of class every week and i work thirteen hours. i have three jobs. im saving up money for my tuition and for my winter internship. i feel like i'm accomplishing a lot already and i'm meeting a lot of interesting people. it's like networking only the real kind, not facebook.

i don't get enough sleep or enough food, but on weekends i binge. i used to talk to my mom almost every day but lately i haven't had the time to be calling anyone. my dad called me to tell me basically that he was disappointed that i didnt call my yiayia on her birthday and i like the major let-down that i am made it admittingly clear that i did not know it was her birthday. i dont know any of my grandparent's birthday except for my grandmother who passed but i only know that one because it almost always fell on thanksgiving. some people just don't remember birthdays. i had already intended to write postcards to everyone but i haven't gotten around to it either. my dad will never understand what it's like to go to college. he once said to me that when i get to college i should be getting a full time job too which is completely illogical. forty hours on top of my classes and schoolwork? and then when i told him that was a bad idea and that i would just be sticking to work study programs offered through my financial aid he said "ok, well i think you should get a job that isnt at your school like out in the real world". these are jobs in the real world no matter what he says and on top of that he doesn't seem to realize the benefits from my winter internship because i don't get paid for it.

the last time i saw him before i left for school he told me how proud he is of me and ranted for about five minutes about it and then said "..buuut, it might have been a smarter decision for you girls to have gone to a community college for your first two years and then go to these dream schools of yours." that's when i realized that my dad will never be proud of me for real. and i also realized that i think i can live pretty well off without his pride in me. he doesn't understand how much i went through to earn this opportunity at this amazing school. he thinks that if i'm not making money, i'm wasting time. that if i went to a community college, i could go to school and work and maybe even only go to school part time. it just hurt to hear that he so strongly believed valerie and i should have thrown away all that we've accomplished just so we could "take our time". he honestly believed that the financial awards and scholarships our schools offered would have still applied in two years after going to smcc. he just doesn't understand. it hurts my feelings that my dad will forever be making me feel guilty about everything from forgetting a birthday to going to school two hundred miles away and making my dreams come true. i'm an adult now and i am who i am and if i'm the type of person that forgets a birthday here and there then so be it. i'm not perfect.

anyway, back to the here and now.

every morning i pull the shade up and stare at the beautiful view.