hmmm, i like never use caps anymore. how strange... anyway, i have school tomorrow. :[ but in a way im kind of thankful. this summer has been one of the hardest i have had to go through. at times it was the most fun i could ever have, but some of the hardest times in my life occurred during the past three months. i feel like i have so much to say, but my emotions are so dry. i just can't feel much, and when i want to, it becomes a challenge. i wish things could go back to normal. in a way, im nothing like myself. i used to always have something to say and i always knew exactly how i felt about a situation. now, i am so exhausted. im tired or crying and im tired of being sad or feeling pathetic. im tired of trying so hard. at times, it was easier to just give in during an argument. it was actually even easier to fight back, no mercy. but a long time ago i decided id change that. so starting in january, ive been trying to make argument less spiteful, and more productive. whenever i feel like an argument is starting with sophia or nick, id make sure that everything i say is honest and not just said to hurt the other person. id be sure that i wouldn't leave an problem unsolved, and i would not go to bed angry. its a good change, and im not saying i dont want to maintain the improvement, its just, that in a way i feel like i have been going about it all wrong. my entire experiences over the past few months have left me feeling paranoid and pathetic. i always think i screw up, and i always feel like everything is my fault, not sayig i never make mistakes. just saying that now, i tend to think i screwed up when i didn't, which leads to my being defensive and in a way obnoxious. paranoia over whether or not i made a mistake can be really obnoxious if i truly didn't make any mistakes. i have a newborn fear of disappointing people. sure, i've always been afraid of letting my grades slip and having all of my teachers be disappointed in me, but now i am afraid to disobey at the least or not live up to my potential, or fear of disappointing people. and its hopeless, because i can't not make mistakes. i do it all the time. i feel like my friends and i have been so keen on being honest lately. not saying its a bad thing, its just all of us have been trying so hard to honestly tell people when something they do upsets us so much so that we can't let anything slide. sure, i think talking to people about something they did that hurt my feelings or upset me is a good thing...it's just, then you can't leave room for mistakes. ive been trying so hard to improve my personality and fix my flaws, that i feel like im about to break. everytime someone reminds me of something i do a lot that is wrong, that i should fix, i just feel hopeless. not saying i never do that. i know lately all of us have been expecting too much from eachother. i think we all need to just relax...count to ten...and instead of taunt eachother over our flaws, embrace them. it sounds crazy, but i feel like thats the only way to realize, there are some things we just can't fix about ourselves. and though i know deep down we all know this, we needed to be as frequently reminded of this as we are reminded of our many mistakes.