I had an entry here, but SitDiary ate it. I'm not retyping it, but I will leave you with this: Goddamn, I'm sck of being stagnant. It is time for a change. I am finding my muse. I am building a crysalis, and will emerge as a butterfly. [[I am the Queen of Hearts.]] You inspire me more than you know. Without you, I am nothing.

Gently carried on the wind to forbidden fields, Flowers of the deepest red. As the rays slowly descend, The contrast is revealed of dark red dust on deadened blades. Love, I can't turn away from this and I'm sorry. Love, I can't create. Soflty tearing silver holes through the charcoal sky, Droplets longing to leave life. As their destination is met their color is consumed, Silently lost, as we must weep. Love, I can't turn away from this, I'm so sorry. Love I can't create. Through the cracks its crawling, Trying to deceive its demise. Through the cracks keep crawling, Cloaked in silence, A we must weep...as we must weep. AFI-Weight of Words

I haven't abandoned this thing. A new entry is coming soon, I promise.

Dead leaves and the dirty ground when I know you're not around shiny tops and soda pops when I hear your lips make a sound when I hear your lips make a sound Thirty notes in the mailbox will tell you that I'm coming home and I think I'm gonna stick around for a while so you're not alone for a while so you're not alone If you can hear a piano fall you can hear me coming down the hall if I could just hear your pretty voice I don't think I need to see at all I don't think I need to see at all Soft hair and a velvet tongue I want to give you what you give to me and every breath that is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me is a tiny little gift to me I didn't feel so bad till the sun went down then I come home no one to wrap my arms around Well any man with a microphone can tell you what he loves the most and you know why you love at all if you're thinking of the holy ghost if you're thinking of the holy ghost

It's been a year. I still miss her. Everyday. Te amo.

I'm in the process of writing an entry that has the potential to mean a lot to me and possibly someone very close to me if it comes out right. Hopefully that will be posted soon. But until then...filler. Yes...lyrics. Meh. I just got sick of seeing that last entry every time I come to sitdiary...so I'm posting a pointless one. Well...not pointless to me, because the songs have some deeper meaning, maybe to my past or present...but pointless to others. So you can just go find a real entry on another diary, I won't ask you to waste your time. Okay...with that out of the way, here are the lyrics. Boston-The Dresden Dolls all the cities in the world and so very little time and so many different girls... all you have to do is find them there's a wealth of opportunity you plan your trips accordingly a pity but the pretty ones are usually more touristy say how'd you like to run away from these machines? everywhere the spies are printing out your dreams seven stops in seven different countries seven page itineraries memories thick as bloody marys jesus jospeh bloody hell right now were here in boston in love with downtown crossing new york will still be there in the morning come back to bed my darling four years thrown away on vows we never kept forty-five minutes every day religiously devoted to regret time we could have spent on medication thrown away on education and we planned to take a trip to scotland but we never made it how'd you like to run away from these machines? i had julians and steves you had julias and jeanette s you wear your terror on your sleeve for all the men i haven't met (yet) i had oliver in potsdam you had elanor in amsterdam we're keeping track so carefully we've missed the state we're in completely honestly your foot is out the door and i've got scores of offers elsewhere and keep both feet planted firmly in the air and tomorrow you can totally erase me from your mind but trust me everything is fine because right now we're here in boston in my apartment in the south end forget your year in london come back to bed my darling you can put the details in a letter the more embarrassing the better right now i can be happy if i choose to i know that in the morning i will lose you.... and maybe you'll go mad and maybe ill go gray and pack up to berlin or maybe it wont matter anyway we'll find out that your mom was right and you'll admit you're really gay and maybe ill wake up in a city far away or maybe we'll make up and buy a house and have a couple kids and labrador and microwave but anyway right now we're here in boston in eden where you almost pulled your pants down don't worry who these jokes will all be lost on come back to bed my darling there is nothing in the world that we can count on even that we will wake up is an assumption but i know for a fact that i loved someone and for about a year he lived in boston... Speak Easy-Maria TaylorThis one is 'specially for my LOVUUUURR, xobscurex, or as I like to call him "faggy asshole jerk." You knows I loves you bebeh! We'll bathe in rose petals, red And lie in violet lilac beds And through the darkness of the night We'll watch our future shining bright And out of everyone I've met It's you I can't forget And there was a time my heart was aching Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking Under a lucky star our love was born brand new And in the shadows of the night I'll trace your silhouette in candlelight And if you fall asleep when you rise I'll be there to kiss your eyes And now my heart is in your hand So baby, understand And there was a time my heart was aching Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking Under a lucky star our love was born brand new So don't cry, Angel I will stay the whole night through Forevermore, I'll be loving you And there was a time my heart was aching Yes there was the day I swore it was breaking Under a lucky star our love was born brand new So don't cry, Angel I will stay the whole night through Forevermore, I'll be loving you Forevermore, I'll be loving you I think I'll add to this later. I know there are others I wanted to post.

Ah, so much to say since I've last updated. I'll be brief. I saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was amazing. Everyone should go and see it. And by they way-IT IS NOT A REMAKE! Harry Potter- OMFG. What can I say? I got the book at midnight and finished it today. I cried my eyes out. SO SO SAD. I don't feel like typing a small novel, so I won't go into discussing the book. But I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! In other news, I finally got a cell phone. If you want to talk, and have cingular (it'd be free that way) let me know and I'll give you my number. I doubt anyone will ask, but I thought I would throw that out there. Blah, I'm sick of typing, so here are some pictures I took Friday night before I left for the movies and bookstore.

Gah. I'm extremely mad right now. I spent about three hours (no exaggerating) cleaning my house about two days ago, and by last night it was a shithole again. And no one will help me clean, because it's "too hot." Yeah, the air conditioner is broken, it's hot. But that's no excuse to live in filth. So I did what any person with some measure of sense and hygeine would do. I cleaned. And even that it seems is enough to start a fight in my house. Me, doing something that benefits everyone, and apparently that's a bad thing. Oh well. My mother has had a bad attitude since she got home, because her day was crappy at work. That's not my fault. So she comes home and bitches because the house is a mess and I guess someone ate the doughnut she wanted, (because they KNEW she would want one when she got home)but then when I actually do clean up, she says "you don't have to do that, it's too hot." I told her I wasn't doing it for her, I was doing it for myself, because I can't stand a messy house. And she got mad. But whatever. Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. I just can't take this crap anymore. In other news...I really, really, love The Cure.

and the tap drips drip drip drip drip drip drip drip... Blaghadookie. Summer sucks for people like me who have no life. I like updating this diary, but it's not really possible to do so when there is nothing happening to write about. There are a few things I could prattle on endlessly about, but I don't know if I really want to. Not in such a public forum anyway. Maybe when I get really desperate for something to talk about. Or when I feel like getting some things off my chest. I'll probably take some pictures of myself and stuff tomorrow. I got a new skirt and hair falls a few days ago and I'm eager to camwhore it up and show off my new things. Not only that, I like having an excuse to get dressed up and made up. It's fun. In other news, I've started drawing again. It feels so good to put ideas on paper, and to have ideas at all, and the time to realize them. Maybe I'll post pictures someday. I think I'll start posting lyrics more often, just to have something to post. Sorry, but at least I'm warning you beforehand. Have a nice whatever, everyone. Please stop loving me Please stop loving me I am none of these things

I said I would update, but I never thought about what I would write. I don't have anything to say. Crap.

The kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm The sun is coming up The day has just begun and you're already bored bored of cheering me up bored of calming me down bored of drying my eyes But there was once a time when you were the one You were the blue of the sky You came after the storm You were the switch on the wall in the dark of the hall that I'm still fumbling for Because I'm lost in the black I don't know where I am I have my arms stretched out in front and I'm calling your name just as loud as I can And I know there are things of which we will never speak And the questions can't be answered easily, but I want it to be easy So just nod you head if the plans have changed Shake it love, if they've stayed the same Smile at me and I will stay Start to cry and I'll go away Just please don't leave me guessing So you made me come Then you sent me away like a messenger bird So I circled the earth, blown away in the wind, but I always returned With some new little song Some sad story to tell of a brief love affair with a girl I compared to you and she failed You said you don't want me to beg Then said get down on your knees Because you knew that I would if I'd do any good satisfying your needs And I know all about those things we cannot speak And just so you know, well they don't bother me So you don't have to be worried Just nod your head if the planes have changed Shake it, love if they stay the same Smile at me and I will stay Start to cry and I'll go away Just please don't leave me guessing Shake it love, if some hope remains Say the word and of course I'll stay Roll you eyes and I'll go away, just please don't keep me guessing Please don't leave me waiting

So...Kelly came over yesterday. Then Brittany called and said she was bored, and wanted to come over. So she came over. We had fun, even though we had nothing to do, and my air conditioner decided to malfunction. (My mom figured out the problem and fixed it, thankfully.) They left at about 5:30. I ate some dinner and soon after went to bed. I don't know why I'm so tired lately, but it was odd being able to go to bed that early. Anyway. I'm going to Florida from the 28th until the 12th. Unfortunately, my dad is going to be there for some of the time. UGH. I refuse to deal with his crap. I'm not going to take it. Hopefully after the trip to Tampa he'll go back to Arizona, and stay there. I want to get my tattoo and piercings before I go and see if he says anything. I need to get a few more outfits before I leave, at least. I just hope whatever I order gets here in time. Anyway...this is all pointless, now that I think about it. I'm going to do something more constructive. I guess your kind of truth is just the ghost of your lies...

I had a pretty good day today. I went to the mall with my mother, bought some neato stuff-a glitterboy skirt, eyeshadow from MAC, other assorted things. I took some pictures of myself when I got home...here they are. And then...a special set for someone special...(I guess). _________________________________________ ________________________________________ I'll post some more when I don't look like crap on a stick, if ever that should occur. Since the "special someone" mentioned above is on my case about posting this...I'll end it now. HAPPY NOW?

I'll put the noose around my neck Will you get to me just in time? I've got no reason left to live But I've got a hundred to die I actually feel alright at the moment. Funny how quickly my moods change lately. I've been updating more frequently than usual the past few days...pity I never post anything worth reading. Perhaps I don't have anything worth reading to say. I don't think that's the case. I hope that's not the case. I just never feel like I can post when I do have something worth posting. It seems so strange to open my heart and mind to an unlimited number of people who never have and never will know me. I do however, put clues in seemingly pointless and mundane entries, which those of you who do know me would have little trouble picking out. And no, I'm not talking about obvious inclusions of lyrics (as I'm sure at least two of you who may perhaps be reading this may be thinking)-those aren't clues, those are answers. Song titles are clues. Words are clues. But now I'm just rambling on and wasting space and time. The point of all this is...I want to write something with a point after this. I'll try. If I will succeed or not is unknown and unlikely. But I am going to try. And that's all I can ask of myself, I suppose. I guess I shouldn't have much right to be unhappy. There are people who care about me-the number might be small...but it's something. I get what I want much more often than I deserve. But somehow it doesn't seem fair that the all shitty things in someone's life should be dismissed because of the good things. I don't know. I don't want to die. I just don't want to live like this. Lost in a familiar place This channel will not change This feeling's all too strange It's like home in many ways

So...I've got quite a lot to say. Doesn't mean I'll post it all, but there is quite a bit to talk about nonetheless. I need to lose weight. Losing 30 pounds is step one on my image improvement plan. Here's my list: 1. Lose weight. (Goal:30lbs) 2. Get rid of scars. 3. Learn how to apply decent makeup. 4. Fix teeth. 5. Get some new clothes/hair falls/tattoos/piercings/etc. (This is last because it is the easiest) I'm not going to the concert. My ride got sick I guess, so the plans are cancelled. I'd like to say it's only a concert and I'm not upset. I'd like to say that. But I can't. I was really really looking forward to seeing Bright Eyes with Ryan. That was the last time I'd get to spend time with him, ever. So...that really, really sucks. But it's out of my control. Anyway...there's much more to say that I don't feel comfortable posting here for whatever reason. Not that any of it really matters. I don't know what the point of these things are. It will probably only serve to make me even more depressed over my weight problem, but I don't know. Maybe it will help motivate me.

so i'm waiting for this test to end so these lighter days can soon begin i'll be alone but maybe more carefree like a kite that floats so effortlessly i was afraid to be alone but now i'm scared that's how i like to be all these faces, none the same how can there be so many personalities so many lifeless, empty hands so many hearts in great demand and now my sorrow seems so far away until i'm taken by these bolts of pain but i turn them off and tuck them away till these rainy days that make them stay and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs and the words still ring, once here, now gone and they echo through my head every day and i don't think they'll ever go away just like thinking of your childhood home but we can't go back, we're on our own, oh but i'm about to give this one more shot and find it in myself i'll find it in myself so we're speeding towards that time of year to the day that marks that you're not here and i think i'll want to be alone so please understand if i don't answer the phone i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until i can see nothing at all only particles, some fast, some slow all my eyes can see is all i know, oh but i'm about to give this one more shot and find it in myself i'll find it in myself

I don't know what to say. But I felt the need to post something. Don't ask me why. I need an outlet. Yet, I'm not even saying anything. I'm fucked up.

I cried today at school. I don't really feel like going into it now, it's kind of complicated, even though it's simple. I don't know, I'm in no mood to talk about it right now. I'm sick, and just really really sad. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I'll talk about it this weekend, I really really need to get this off my chest. It's weighing me down and I can't breathe. The good news is...I'M SEEING FREAKING BRIGHT EYES!!!! YES!!! On the 28th. FUCK YES. I'm so excited. I'm still worried that something will happen and I won't get to go, but I hope it's just a feeling and everything works out. Anyway, I need to go hide from life. I'll be safe in bed under the covers. Goodbye. Well the future's got me worried Such awful thoughts My head's a carousel of pictures The spinning never stops I just want someone to walk in front And not follow the leader Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs I almost forgot who I was But I came to my senses Now I'm trying to be assertive I'm making plans Gonna rise to the occasion yeah Meet all their demands But all I do is just lay in bed And hide under the covers Yeah I know I should be brave But i'm just too afraid of all this change And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt I keep making these to-do lists but nothing gets crossed out Working on the record seems pointless now When the world ends who's gonna hear it? But I'm trying to take some comfort in written words Yeah, Tim, I heard your album and it's better than good When we get off tour I think we should Hang and black out together 'Cause I been feeling sentimental for days gone by All the summers singing, drinking, my friend Wasting our time Remember all the songs and the way we smiled In those basements made of music But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all I'm not as strong as I thought So when I'm lost in a crowd I hope that you'll pick me out How I long to be found The grass grew high, I laid down Now I'm waiting for a hand To lift me up, help me stand I've been laying so low Don't wanna lay here no more Don't wanna lay here no more Everything that happens is supposed to be And it's all predetermined can't change your destiny Guess I'll just keep moving Someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going P.S. Listen to these bands. I've posted some of them before, but SRSLY PEEPS. They are freaking awesome. www.myspace.com/worldinferno (the song "Brother of the Mayor of Bridgewater" is awesome.) www.myspace.com/dresdendolls www.myspace.com/voltairenyc www.myspace.com/theoddz (Voltaire's side project) www.myspace.com/androidlust (Listen to Stained) www.myspace.com/kaltekult (listen to Sweet Devotee) www.myspace.com/untoashes I know there are more, but those are the only ones I remember off the top of my head. Now...GO. You can hear the songs for free. What have you got to lose?

It's been a long time since I've updated. I've just been...overwhelmed lately. Schoolwork and emotional buildups and breakdowns, it's just been life-consuming. Still not completely over it. I think everything should go back to normal next week, when school is over. I'm hoping it will. Still no definite word about Bright Eyes. Soon I hope. I don't want tickets to sell out before I have a definite answer. I don't think I've ever needed summer so much in my entire life. Getting some new tops, makeup, awesome boots and an outfit from Heavy Red did cheer me up a bit though. I promise, I'm not as shallow as I may haved seemed lately. I just don't have the energy to be true right now.

Well, friends, I am typing this entry from my brand new computer. YAY!! Now, it is late, so I don't think I'll say much tonight. I've been setting this thing up for a little over an hour. But it was worth it. Even though I still have more to do, in way of downloading fonts/programs/etc. But that's tomorrow's work. I may be going to see Bright Eyes on the 28th. SQUEE!! If Ryan's friend Sam agrees to let me ride with them to Winston-Salem, my mom said she'd buy me the ticket. So...it's a matter of waiting for Ryan to ask. I'm excited. 15 more days of school, and then a nice, three month long summer. Then, 2 more semesters and I'm out of that shithole. YES. Well, I suppose I should get to bed now. I have to get up early tomorrow to give my cat her medicine. BYE!