Not much of anything to say. I just got an urge to update. I think I'll be posting a livejournal entry soon, I know exactly what I want to say. It will probably be very self-analytical and critical, because I have realized a few things about myself that are quite interesting (to me, but most definitely will not be to you) and I feel like I have things I need to get off my chest. It will probably be different than my previous entries, which have usually been cliche and tiresome. "idespair: now with less angst, but the same self-loathing you know and love!" Do you ever have something you are DYING to express but cannot? I do. I really really want to talk to someone about this, but for reasons I won't mention (besides my obvious fear) I cannot tell anyone. I am hoping the feeling will pass and I won't have to deal with it anymore. It's happened before, so I am optimistic. In other news, hearing my friends talking about prom/graduation has made me quite depressed. It brings into sharp focus the fact that they're leaving in a couple of months, and I'll probably never see them again. Plus the fact that I am insanely jealous that they are leaving that hellhole an entire year before me. I've been having trouble remembering things from my past that I thought I'd never forget, and it's very troubling. Additionally, I'm remembering so much that I miss, especially with the problems my family is going though. My great-grandpa (who I haven't seen in years and love dearly) just had a big surgery and he's been having quite a few health problems, and since he is elderly (80 something) it's very scary. I don't want to lose him, especially not before I get to see him again. It makes it painfully hard to forget that my great-grandparents live in an assisted living place and I will never see their house, where I spent a very large portion of my childhood, ever again. I'll never get that time back. Everytime I think about my childhood or my family, or even New England it feels like someone is twisting my heart. It just hurts so much to realize that I'll never get any of that back. My favorite aunt is moving to Oregon next month which means she won't be living in Connecticut when I visit over the summer, and therefore probably will never see her again, certainly not for qutie a long time anyway. It's just all been happening at once and it's a lot to deal with. My cousins are growing up so fast, and I'm missing that as well. And there is nothing I can do to change anything. Wow, I never meant to write all of that. It just came out. Weird. My eyes resign dissolving vision To vividness of sense and sequence Betrayed by certain circumstances Outside the world I've known How cold and cut bewildered silence Left me for a newer face While sadness dances gracefully In this forgotten place Regardless of the introspection I found myself in your reflection I guess it's all too easy now To look the other way Saving graces, trading places Asking for a sense of hope But the line to heaven's ringing busy And I walk this path alone What kind of sick games were we playing? No rules, no constitution No sympathy for one another And nowhere left to go Regardless of the introspection I see myself in your reflection I guess it makes it easier To turn your eyes away And I'm not asking you to lie and tell me That you love me still I know that it's untrue So I'm not asking you to lie and tell me that You want me too I know that it's untrue Saving secrets unembellished Left without revision Sacrosanct and underground Why do I need you so? And sentiment was none-too-careful Delivering the means To break the balance of perfection And eliminate these dreams Regardless of the introspection I see myself in your reflection I guess it makes it easier To turn your eyes away So what do I do? I still love you.. Life is such a tangled mess With cruel lines dividing us I don't want to be On the other side from you