Apologies a million a day Tears to think of tomorrow Believing bonded together by happiness of yesterday. Strings of laughter, kisses, tenderness Antiquing as the clock counts down moments Harsh careless tugs wear out love. Desperate to keep two hearts alive One will burst overdosed on pain One will disconnect to fade and die. Sparkle of future darkens to dust No longer certain what will become of us Where is my diamond promise of Forever in a Bag? Once this love knew perfection Dreams of tomorrow knew no limits Forever a tangible fruit of love. Two years shared love devoted Two years lonliness follows One way to endure... Chance destroys the fragile forever Promises... Like I said, this is a work in progress. This is all I have at the moment.

Dear Diary, I forgot about you again, dearest diary. ha ha. David got his mission call to the Dominican Republic. I'm really excited about it, because its kinda the perfect place for him to go. And it doesn't feel like the other side of the world, which really helps. Also, I've been to Puerto Rico, so I feel like I have just a bit of a connection. Ha ha. He leaves August 12. At first I was very happy for that, and I still am, but... it also kinda puts me in a little bit of a limbo. I mean... We broke up. What am I supposed to do for the next three and a half months? I don't get to see him very often, but its not like I have anyone else to hang out with in Salt Lake. And I can't think about dating, because that would upset him. So I'm caught in the middle and I just KNOW I'm going to spend the next three months sitting at home night after night, being lonely as hell and bored out of my mind. That is going to make me miserable. I wish Chels would move down here. But we're both broke, its impossible to find a job for her, and we can't find an apartment. Sigh. I'm also pretty discouraged about my job. My boss is being really... difficult. And I have no idea what to do about it. I definitely can't get another job, not with this economy. So... I guess I will just tough it out. At least warm weather is occurring more regularly! I love warm weather. I love the sun, the green trees and grass, the flowers, the heat wrapping around you, the freshness of the air... Its fabulous. We have two trees outside my work that are just starting to blossom, and I spend so much of my workday just staring out at them... I have the shivers... but... not the cold shivers... I'm so lonely.

Dear Diary, David and I could break up as soon as Saturday. How will I survive this pain? He is my everything... I love him more than I ever thought possible. I'm not sure there are words to describe how deeply and truly I love him without sounding terribly cliche. I'm going to miss laughing with him. I'm going to miss holding hands and smiling at each other, secure in the knowledge that we love each other and we have each other for the good times and the bad. I love that we understand each other, that we connect from the center of our souls. We always have. I have never, ever connected like that with another human being. I have never met someone and felt like they were already a part of me. Even my best friend in the entire world, I don't connect with like that. Not like... we belong together like the notes of a symphony or the colors in a work of art. He is my love... we have spent two years together, and now we will spend two years apart... Can I survive? How? I am glad that he is going on a mission, especially because he is so happy that it is close and he is so excited to go. I love seeing him so happy. But it still breaks my heart... Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, Two weeks to Fall Out Boy! Two weeks or less to the end... Two weeks to being single. Two weeks to losing my love. What will my life be like without him? Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, Today was the best Sunday I've had in a long time. Which is fabulous, because I really needed a good, relaxing, non-emotional day after working so much this week. And next week probably won't be much better... David and I went to dinner at Kevin and Michelle's place. It was much more relaxing than eating with his family; though his mom makes delicious potatoes and is a dear, most of his family isn't fond of me... So after dinner, my family all sat on the couch and watched Amazing Race. Now, this is very exciting for me, because David and I NEVER watch TV together. He's far too busy and his parents are far too strict to allow us to just settle down on the couch and snuggle up to an episode of the Office or whatnot. So it was really great... Then, we left my brother's and played the game of Life with his parents. I know, sounds lame, but it was actually pretty fun. I've been wanting to play that game forever. I think it might've been more fun just playing with the two of us... But maybe another day. I love when he and I are able to just relax with each other. So often we only have a certain amount of time to be together, or we are rushing off to go somewhere or take care of something, that we don't have time to just enjoy each others company. Its sad to think we won't have many more nights like this... Love, Lisa Ann

I miss SitD. I miss writing everyday about my mundane, drama-filled, emotional, boring life. I am considering starting over again. Love, Lisa Ann

How do you tell someone something they never wanted to hear? How do you tell the person who loves you more than anyone in the world that you've let them down? How do you tell them that you've been lying to them? How do you stop your life from crashing down around you? How do you undo the past? How do you hold onto the best thing that's ever happened to you? How do I achieve the impossible?

Dear Diary, Mmm. So I'm supposed to start writing in my diary a bit more to document my moods... Hmm. I should back up a bit, I think. It's been quite a few months, hasn't it? To start off with the most important item: I am still totally and completely in love with David! David Cooper Stillman and I have been together nearly five months, and only in my dreams did I imagine I could love someone like this. He is my life. My heart aches nearly constantly when I am away from him. I miss him! ... And the reason I miss him is because... I am at college. Yes, I have moved to Snow College in Ephraim, Utah. Not long after I moved here I wondered if I was idiotic. I HATE small towns, and this town... wow... Not only is it extremely small, but the closest town that is of a decent size is roughly an hour away. Torture! Anyway. I am living in Oak Tree Apartments with Chelsey Poole, Noel Wyler, and three other roommates (Sharon and Becky {the twins} and Sheena). It's interesting. We've made a few friends, and Noel is even dating off and on the guy from upstairs. Anyway. I love living away from home, and I love living with people my own age. But really, that's about the only thing I love here. School is alright, but it's frustrating because I'm experiencing a severe lack of motivation. My biggest problem is I really can't think of anything that I would enjoy doing with my life, so school seems pointless and hopeless. I also can't seem to find the motivation to get a job, which is very bad because I'm out of money from my student loan and my mom is getting very tired of loaning me money. In short, I am not having such a great time in life right now. I can think of many days spent sitting on our apartment couch, feeling so hopeless about my life, not wanting to do anything and yet hating that I'm not doing anything. I've been so frustrated with this town and worried about money and despairing about my future and sometimes just crying at night because I miss David so much... I don't know. So I went home for fall break and spent a lot of time with my mom. Suddenly she could see first hand how depressed I really was. We went to see my ADD doctor, and today he gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant as well. We figure it can't hurt much, and maybe it'll help bring me some motivation and happiness in my life. Happiness. I'm so odd. If I had to name one essential key to happiness in my life right now, it would be David. I love David so much. I just keep dreaming that someday we can be married... Yes, I want to marry David. It's a long way in the future, but he is just so right for me... Not that we don't have our problems. We've had periods of fighting or jealousy or doubt and it's always so hard to live 100 miles away from each other. But somehow, we always work things out. We are always there for each other. Somehow, no matter what happpens, David and I can find a way to be happy together. Even when we're apart. Although if I had my choice, I definitely would rather be happy together. I can't even describe the complete joy and rightness I feel when I am near him. I love that boy... He really makes me happy. But if I'm thinking about my life or school or a job or my future (unless it's a future with David) or basically my current status as student at Snow College in BoringTown, I'm pretty unhappy... Ugh.... So... We'll see what happens I guess... There's always the possibility of leaving Ephraim and going somewhere else if things don't get better. Right now, I just have to wait and see... Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, July. WHAT a month. It's been good... and terrible. Here is my month in review. July 1: Kadee moves back home... leaving me for good. July 2: David comes home from Europe! We spend most of the week together. July 8: Taz dies... July 11: I turn 18! I spend the night in Salt Lake with Kadee, Chelsey, Cassie, and Noel. With some one-on-one time with David. July 14: I side-swipe a car in my mom's nice Huyndai. (sp?) And get a ticket. Go me. July 14: David comes to visit for my semi-birthday party with the fam July 18: Lunch with David in Salt Lake. July 21: I get rear-ended in Salt Lake. July 21: I spend the day with David. July 26: OC Marathon with Chelsey! She decides to come to Snow with me. Woo! July 27: I find out I have ulcers in my eye (who knew?) and can't wear contacts or drive for a week. July 28: The fam goes to Hogle Zoo, I spend the day with David. July 28: Cassie is driving me home from Salt Lake, gets pulled over and gets a ticket. I have to help pay. July 29: David crashes his bro-in-law's car and can no longer come visit me on Saturday. July 31: I win a free massage and chiropractic exam! Yes. So that is my month, all summed up in tidy little sentances... I am SO glad this month is over. Well. In some ways. I am going to college soon, which I am super excited about, but also nervous. And sad. i'm going to miss my hometown, my family, my friends, and david... Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, It's a SitD night. I'm sorry I've been neglecting you, diary. I have left you for another website. Jk. It's not just MySpace. It's that I spend basically my entire time at my job writing in a notebook... because honestly... there's nothing else to do. So I tend to get all of my emotional ramblings out there. Sorry. But I think I can come up with something tonight... First, an honorable mention to David. How can I not mention David? He is my everything at the moment. My texting buddy. My listening ear as I vent. My entertainment as the summer days pass slowly. My best friend. My love. My happiness... I don't know how I'm going to leave him in the fall. Oh, I know the distance won't be much further... But things will be different. We'll be dating other people. We'll be busy... I'm afraid of the drifting apart. Drifting back into being alone... Speaking of the fall. COLLEGE. I'm grown up, 18, going to college. Hopefully. A lot of things have to fall in to place before that. Mostly things like... money. Super stressed about money at the moment. I'm not getting that many hours at IA (which is kinda okay with me...), and I just don't know how much I'll be able to pay for. It doesn't help that I crashed my mom's car... Yes... That was very, very bad. And it set me back another $350. I'm still paying that off. Woo, college, here I come... Assuming everything works out... I am looking forward to college. Scared like a little girl on her first day of kindergarten. Leaving mommy. Leaving my hometown... I was sitting on my roof today, after a summer rain, the sun setting through the clouds, thinking about how much I love my town... But I'm excited. Living on my own. Meeting new people everyday. Learning new things, having new experiences... It's going to be great. I'm going to spend 2 a.m.'s in my apartment learning how to make delicious things like cookies and brownies. It's a goal. I'm listening to Counting Crows... A Murder of One... It reminds me of being sweet sixteen, little and full of problems and naiive dreams. Have I changed much? Change, change, change. I think so. Different problems... Different dreams... Sometimes I just have to wonder how my life will end up... I think I'm going to go sit on my roof again. Emotional ramblings sometimes need a star-gazing to stabalize. Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, My dog died. Taz was 15 years old. We got him when I was just three years old. I can't remember a time before we had him. He was there all through my growing up years. He was there to be my friend when my siblings had left. He slept in my bed for a long time. I loved that dog so much... Unfortunately, he died in a very tramatic way. My dad ran over him while pulling into the garage. Poor, stupid dog. I guess he ran up alongside the car and went right in front of it. My dad didn't even see him. He was hurt really bad, and within a few minutes, he was dead. I was upstairs in my room. I heard a loud noise, and then I heard my mom start yelling, "Dad just hit Taz!" So I ran downstairs. But they didn't let me go outside. I guess it was pretty bloody. I didn't even get to say goodbye... We're going to bury him in the backyard. I'm glad of that. He's always been with our family. At least he'll still with us in a way. I hope he's happily playing in doggie heaven right now... I really loved that dog. He was stupid and smelled bad, but he was so loyal. He loved everyone in our family so much. I remember I used to come home from school and he'd run up to me and give me a big doggie hug. I'm going to miss him... Goodbye, Taz. Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, Big news first. I got my GED! I'm officially finished with high school and all that crap... Ha ha my mom kept giving me money because of it... She let me go to a movie (License to Wed, really cute) and Village Inn with Cassie. Oh and funny story. My dad texted all my siblings saying that they were going to have a HUGE graduation/birthday party for me next week, and not to tell me because it was a surprise! But... he accidentally texted me, too. Lol. So we'll see if I end up having a party or not. I turn 18 on July 11th. I am SO excited!!! Finally. My life is really beginning. I will be an adult. I'm excited to be able to use that argument against my mom... She will no longer be able to complain about what I wear (tank tops), what I drink (Dr. Pepper is of the devil), what time I go to the store (since when is 10:30 too late?), and all those other little things... I mean I'm not stupid. She'll still be my mother and I will still listen to her. But... not about everything. I really love her though. She cried a little the other night when we were talking about what I wanted to do for my birthday... because I'm growing up. I've got a job, I'm going to college, I'm turning 18... She's sweet. For my birthday, I've decided to skip the standard party (unless my parents throw me that surprise one... ha ha) and go down to Salt Lake with Cassie, Chelsey, Kadee, and Noel. We're going to stay in a hotel! All by ourselves! SO fun. We'll play all day in Salt Lake... and I'll get to see David!!! OH David. I miss him. Even though we're always in touch... Yesterday we talked on the phone for four hours! It was crazy. Today it was only like an hour, though. And we texted a lot... I really like him. I feel so completely myself with him. We talk about everything... We basically have no secrets from each other. I love it. We are so right for each other!! I'm not sure if I've ever felt this way about someone... This isn't some stupid crush... I feel like... it could be more. I don't know. We'll see how things go. I can't wait to see him on Wednesday... I hope the girls like him. He's such a dork! Oh but I love it. He's so cute with me. I really need to write down everything he's said and done... He is so cute. You know, I truly realize now what a mistake Brady was. He was a nice enough guy... But that wasn't a relationship at all. THIS is a relationship. This... is real. David really cares about me, and I care so much about him! He's so sweet and sensitive and fun. He's the kind of guy I could see myself ending up with five years from now... Of course, right now we're both obviously too young (espcially him!). But we're promised to keep in touch over the years... and if I'm not married when he gets off his mission... You know, I have never been the type of girl to think about marrying the guys I date. And of course we know its highly unlikely we'll get married... But just the fact that we've both thought about it makes me smile. I really like him... In other news. Cassie and I have been hanging out a lot lately. I think it may have a little to do with the fact that Kadee and Erin are both gone... But really we've been getting along pretty well. I think I've become more laid-back... I'm just happy right now. OKay, not all the time. In fact lately I've been feeling a little low... but every time I feel down I bounce back pretty quickly... I think a lot of that has to do with David... Well, I'm exhausted. So... I will have to write more later. Love, Lisa Ann

Your Heart Is Pink In relationships, you like to play innocent - even though you aren't. Each time you fall in love, it's like falling for the first time. Your flirting style: Coy Your lucky first date: Picnic in the park Your dream lover: Is both caring and dominant What you bring to relationships: RomanceWhat Color Heart Do You Have? Dear Diary, Totally me. Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, DAVID IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today was a very long day and a very good day... Oh my I just realized I've been awake 19 hours, and I only got about five hours of sleep. Yes. This may not be as long as it should... I had to wake up early to take the GED. I FINALLY took it. Anyway, it was stressful, but I'm pretty sure I kicked butt. It was extremely easy. Even the math part. I am terrible at math. I finished the test early... but still not as early as I hoped. I didn't have much time to get ready to go to salt lake. Yes! I'm in Salt Lake! Because David is finally in Salt Lake again! NOT Switzerland or Germany or Italy. He's back in boring old Utah... how glad I am... I picked him up from the airport! It was great. I was SO excited to see him!!! I also got to meet all of the people I'd heard about (and all the people who'd heard about me... like ten people came up to me and said, "oh you're LISA!" I laughed.) Anyway, then we went to his parents house for dinner... I wish I felt more comfortable around them. But anyway. David gave me my presents! I got... an Italian t-shirt (that says beautiful on it... ha ha), a hot pink swiss army knife keychain, and... a rose he picked from Austria! lol he is so cute... We went and got ice cream after, and went to our SL view... We went there right before he left, so it seemed fitting we go there right as he got back... I like him. I was so worried about how it would be with him, if I'd like him as much as I did before he left... I didn't have to worry. I like him even more. We snuggled in the back seat and wactched the sunset... It was romantic. But nothing happened! So don't worry. Anyway, he had to go home fairly early (jet lag), but we're going to see each other tomorrow... Hopefully for longer... I've missed him so much! I'm really glad he's back. So I'm hanging out at Sarah and Gary's for a few days... that's always fun. And I don't have to work until Thursday! Heh heh. That rocks. No, my job is okay... sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I really hate it. Just depends on the day. Ermm... Extremely tired... Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, SitD is FINALLY working!!! Thanks to Jeremy for notifying me. Anyway. It makes me sad that it has been down so long... I think I would've written a lot this past week... I finally have a job! A real, honest to goodness job. Well. It's at Information Alliance so I don't know how real that is. But I don't hate it. Its boring and sometimes frustrating... but I sort of enjoy calling people and asking them stupid questions. Ha ha. It pays well, too. I've even made a friend there. So it's going really well. David comes home from Europe in three (almost two!) days and I am SOOO looking forward to it. We've been emailing constantly, and he's called me a LOT too... until he ran out of money for phone cards. lol. He is so sweet... I miss him a lot. And the best part is, he misses me, too! Things are going really well with us... and I'm hopeful it'll continue that way. I'm picking him up from the airport Monday, and then I'll be spending as much time as possible with him the following few days before I have to go back to work... I can't wait to see him again... He borrowed someone's phone today and called me while I was at work to leave a message to tell me how much he missed me... He's always doing cute things like that.... I'm kind of nervous to see him again... Because I think that it either won't be as good as I remembered... or I'll fall harder for him than ever... Either option scares the heck out of me... I have so much more to write... I don't really have time right now, though... Which is sad, because who knows how much longer SitD will be up. I really need to work on transferring all my stuff on to my hard drive... I love SitD. Please don't die on me!!! OH MY GOSH! I almost forgot to mention this. I WENT TO THE FALL OUT BOY CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the most freaking amazing thing ever!!!!!!! It was soooooo cooooool!!!!!!! I love them so much I almost DIED!!!!!!!!!! I'm not even kidding! I was screaming my lungs out and dancing like a wild child and every so often I'd turn to Kadee just to say I AM FINALLY SEEING FOB LIVE!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! It was the greatest thing ever. No rock concert I ever attend will EVER compare to that... I loved it. The other bands were +44, the Academy Is..., and Cobra Starship. Must get there music. Anyone have it?? It's good. yes. I LOVE FOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, Please let me have a good summer. Please let me find a job. Please let me be able to go to college. Please let Kadee and I become close again. Please let things continue to go well with David. Please let me fall in love someday. Please let me be strong again. Please, please, please let me be happy! Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, Brady and I are over. I have a new boyfriend! Yes, it's David. I know. It's crazy. But he is so amazing! It took me awhile to realize that he is what I want. Brady and I... were just so wrong for each other. We sort of stopped talking at all... and David and I became closer and closer friends. Then David asked to see me one last time before he left for Europe for three weeks. I went and saw his orchestra group play (and they are pretty much the best orchestra I've ever heard), and after that we hung out for hours... Being with him was simply perfect. We had SO much fun together, I was so comfortable with him, and most of all, I realized how desperately I was going to miss him. Brady and I finally broke up June 12, and on June 13, David and I started going out. Of course, he is a million miles away. It's been hard being so far away from him. But we've been emailing, and he calls me every chance he gets. David is exactly what I want in a boyfriend. I am so incredibly happy! I like him so much. He really is... wonderful. I can't explain the connection we have. I feel so close to him. This summer is going to be absolutely fantastic with him! I just... love that I can talk to him about literally anything and I feel like he cares and understands. And he is so freaking cute! Sigh. How am I so lucky to have a guy like David? I really hope things work out for us... I can't wait for him to get home. I can't WAIT! Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, I have been so neglectful of you! I apologize. But, it's summer now and I have absolutely no reason not to write. SO. My sister is married. Isn't that freaking crazy? She and I have been so close all my life... and now she is all grown up with a husband and two step kids! Oh my. Time goes so quickly. I almost cried during the wedding. She looked so beautiful, so mature. My sister. I love her. I never tell her that, but I really do... It was a nice wedding. She got married in This is the Place chapel. It was really cute. Ha. Probably the most stressful wedding ever. We started like a half hour late. Oh well. The wedding can't start without the bride, so she can't be late. It's impossible. Anyway. Then there was a reception at Gary's parent's house and an open house up here the next day. They were both nice... But full of drama with me. Don't I always have drama? Of course I do. I'm going to make it short though. Basically, David and I hung out a LOT at the reception... flirted a lot... he even gave me a rose. And I kind of began to like him. Which was awkward, because the next day both Brady and David came to the open house. I was holding hands with Brady and such. David wasn't happy and left the house. Yeah. Then I took Brady home... and David and I hung out... David and I... are perfect for each other. Seriously. Perfect. Except that... I like Brady. I really do. I LOVE being with him. I almost broke things off with him, because of David, and I just couldn't do it. Despite my family telling me to dump Brady. I just couldn't. It doesn't make any sense, but I like Brady so much. Anyway. So Brady wasn't very happy with me... but I think we've got things worked out now. Oh. And Brady's at some church camp right now and I miss him... He's going to be gone most of next week, too. I hardly ever get to see him. It's really sad... So today! I got a dozen pink roses on my doorstep! Who from? Brady, my boyfriend? Or David, the guy who really likes me? Guess who... Nope! It wasn't either of them. It was LOREN. Loren Brewer. Oh my. He is such a great guy. And he also probably has the worst timing ever. He and I... for the past year... have just had absolutely terrible timing. Who knows... Maybe someday the timing will be right. But for now, it isn't. I have a boyfriend. I have Brady. And I'm not going to let any other guy try to mess it up! Though they seem to keep trying... Ha. I also got my new phone today! FINALLY. It's nice... but I'm so used to my old phone, it's kind of frustrating to use. Oh well. I'll figure it out. Anyway. This summer (besides boy drama) has been pretty dang boring so far. I need to find a job... but I really don't want to! Oh well. I'll get one soon enough. But I want to have fun, too. I'm so freaking bored... Love, Lisa Ann

Dear Diary, How can I even begin to explain all that has happened these past few weeks? We'll start with prom. My senior prom. I almost didn't go. I was planning on not going, since my boyfriend had just broke up with me. It was extremely sad. Then the night before, my sister decided that her fiance's little brother should take me. So I scrambled to find a dress (Michelle [my brother's girlfriend] loaned me one) and somebody to do my hair (Chelsey, who saves my life on a daily basis). And I went to prom with my date, David, Kadee and Luke, and Brady. And Brady's date. It was... a little awkward. But surprisingly really fun. David and I get along well, and are great friends now. In fact, I'm going to his senior prom this Saturday. (He's from Salt Lake.) As for Brady... We had a lot of fun together, too. The only hard part of the night was that I kept thinking that I should be with Brady on this date, not David. David's a cool guy, but he's just not Brady. Isn't that horrible to think of your date that way? Especially when I figured that Brady wasn't sitting there wishing he was with me. He broke up with me. I kept telling myself it was over, he didn't like me, he was over me. After senior prom, Brady started texting me. A lot. The next day Brady asked me out on a date. I was... so freaking excited! I kept trying not to get my hopes up... but then Kadee told me that she was pretty sure Brady liked me again. Yeah. My hopes were way up. Anyway, so we went on a date Monday, and he made absolutely no moves. My hopes went back down. This time, I was sure he didn't like me. Then... Tuesday... I was standing in the kitchen of my foods class, a half hour before school was over. And in walks an office aid with a boquet of a dozen, beautiful pink roses and a box of chocolates. For me. I took the flowers, and picked up the note. Through the envelope I could see the name, "Brady." That's when I started to freak out. I kept saying, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my GOSH!" Then I read the note. It said: "Lisa, I am a freaking idiot. I will explain everything later. Will you go out with me again? --Brady." I think I screamed then, and Haleigh and I started hugging and jumping up and down. I was so freaking excited!!! I was shaking. I was shocked and so, so, SO happy! I couldn't believe (I still can't believe) that he wanted me back... Apparently he had a terrible time at senior prom, because he missed me and realized how stupid he was for breaking up with me. Wow. Who knew making a guy jealous actually works? Anyway. I left class early (my teacher was excited for me, so she let me leave) to go find Brady. The moment I saw him I gave him a big hug. It took me like five minutes, though, before I remembered to say yes to his question. But by then he had already figured it out. Oh my. Roses and chocolate. Isn't that so cute? Oh and he bought me my favorite kind of chocolate, mint. yeah. Of COURSE I was going to go out with him again. Not to mention I missed him so freaking much while we were apart... Oh. The reason he broke up with me was the absolutely stupidest (yet strangely the cutest) reason ever. We talked about it later that day. I'm the longest relationship he's ever had, and he's never kissed a girl before. and he freaked out. Isn't that stupid? Yet so cute? He was so scared! Oh my. Poor little boy. I like him. And I totally forgive him. Especially since... Okay, I can't keep it in any longer. BRADY KISSED ME!!! He kissed me. i no longer am a member of the VL club. It's pretty much the best ever. I went to his (and Kadee and Luke's) choir concert on Thursday, and after it was over, we were standing in the common's area. He was hugging me, and then he asked if he could have a kiss. And... let's just say I like him a lot. Oh my I like Brady!!! It was so awkward, epsecially because Kadee and Luke (and Luke's sister...) were standing right there. Except Kadee didn't know what was going on, and she actually kept yelling my name while he kissed me. Totally would've ruined the moment, but I was too focused on Brady to care. Anyway. Then... HE KISSED ME AGAIN! Oh. I like kissing. I like Brady. Then Brady had to go, which was pretty tragic. So I was just sitting there with Luke's sister (Kadee and Luke had run off), a little bit freaking out i was so excited. lol. Caldwell (the choir teacher, who I know fairly well), walked up as I was talking to Luke's sister and asked why I seemed so excited. And I told him! And then he made me tell his wife! It was so awkward! Caldwell and his wife were very happy for me. lol. It was hilarious. Brady and I have hung out everday this week. It's been amazing. We're hanging out today, too. I love being with him. It just feels so amazingly perfect. I'm so tired! It is five a.m. I woke up at four, and couldn't sleep because I started thinking about Brady. So I decided to get up and put this in my diary. There's more I want to say... but I don't have time. I'm seeing Brady in two hours!!! I'm a nervous. But I can't wait. He is so cute... Oh wow. The strangest thing about this... You think it'd be weird because he broke up with me and we barely even talked for three weeks... but I've never felt so close to him. even before he kissed me. I just feel so comfortable with him, and I can tell he feels more comfortable with me now then before he broke up with me. I think it was good we had a little time apart to realize how much we cared for each other. I like him so much... Love, Lisa Ann (no longer a VL!) P.S. My sister is getting married June 1st! So soon. They moved the date up a month ago. It's a long story, and kind of a sad one. But I'm still excited. My sister is getting MARRIED! Crazy.

dear diary, i don't know what my problem is. yesterday i had a meeting with merilyn, and i felt good. i felt positive. and i felt that i was over brady. now i feel crappy. i couldn't go to school today. i woke up, and i knew how completely and utterly pointless school would be. what am i even going for? friends? i have chelsey, and that's about it. kadee and luke are gone. luke is a nice boy. i'm glad kadee's dating him. one of the best things about dating brady was that i always felt motivated to go to school. early, even. i loved seeing him. now... it's over. he avoids me.why go to school? i want a date to senior prom so badly. but there's no way i'm going to get asked. i really, truly believe that. i feel completely unloved by the world. why isn't brady a nice boy? why did brady stop liking me? i keep telling myself it was for the best. we're too different. he's too young. and i think emotionally he was too young. but in all other ways, i think we're too different because i failed somehow. but on the other hand, it's not like brady's perfect. oh man. i'm so confused. i can't decide how i feel about him. i just wish it were over. i mean, it's obviously over, but in my heart, i wish i were done. done thinking about him, done wondering, done feeling anything... i feel pain, sadness, relief, confusion, acceptance, regret... i don't want to feel any of those things. well. acceptance is a good feeling. but not when you only feel it some of the time. i need to feel it all the time. i know my life will go on. but right now, at this moment, it doesn't feel like it. it just feels like i've failed again. i'm alone again. i'm ugly again. i'm worthless agian. why do i feel like this? yesterday, i seriously felt fine. i think somethings wrong with me. i need to accept that brady and i won't be friends anymore. i need my heart to stop racing whenever i catch a glimpse of him in the hall. it doesn't mean anything anymore. i used to see him and smile, because i knew in just a moment i'd be getting a hug from him. now he won't stop to say hello. i need to get used to that. i need to forget him. i need to get ready to go to school. maybe i'll see him. why do i care? i can't figure out why i care. i know he doesn't care. but i still want to see him. i want to prove to him, here i am, i'm happy and cute and doing fine without you. even if its a lie. even if its all a lie. "save some face. you know you've only got one. change your ways, while you're young. boy, one day you'll be a man. oh girl, he'll help you understand." will i ever understand? merilyn told me yesterday that when i go off to college and all these boys start liking me, not to rush off and marry the first one who is convinced he loves me. i think i'm in great danger of that. i want to get married. i want to be loved. so what if i don't love the guy? i want to be in love so badly, what if i settle for fake feelings? i think i might have with brady... i think i settled for him because he liked me. i was so happy because he liked me. so stupidly happy. and now i can't stop thinking about him and he doesn't like me anymore. screw it. life sucks. what can i do about it? why can't i truly believe in myself? why can't i love and be loved? why can't i get a date to senior prom? love, lisa ann