dear diary, i don't know what my problem is. yesterday i had a meeting with merilyn, and i felt good. i felt positive. and i felt that i was over brady. now i feel crappy. i couldn't go to school today. i woke up, and i knew how completely and utterly pointless school would be. what am i even going for? friends? i have chelsey, and that's about it. kadee and luke are gone. luke is a nice boy. i'm glad kadee's dating him. one of the best things about dating brady was that i always felt motivated to go to school. early, even. i loved seeing him. now... it's over. he avoids me.why go to school? i want a date to senior prom so badly. but there's no way i'm going to get asked. i really, truly believe that. i feel completely unloved by the world. why isn't brady a nice boy? why did brady stop liking me? i keep telling myself it was for the best. we're too different. he's too young. and i think emotionally he was too young. but in all other ways, i think we're too different because i failed somehow. but on the other hand, it's not like brady's perfect. oh man. i'm so confused. i can't decide how i feel about him. i just wish it were over. i mean, it's obviously over, but in my heart, i wish i were done. done thinking about him, done wondering, done feeling anything... i feel pain, sadness, relief, confusion, acceptance, regret... i don't want to feel any of those things. well. acceptance is a good feeling. but not when you only feel it some of the time. i need to feel it all the time. i know my life will go on. but right now, at this moment, it doesn't feel like it. it just feels like i've failed again. i'm alone again. i'm ugly again. i'm worthless agian. why do i feel like this? yesterday, i seriously felt fine. i think somethings wrong with me. i need to accept that brady and i won't be friends anymore. i need my heart to stop racing whenever i catch a glimpse of him in the hall. it doesn't mean anything anymore. i used to see him and smile, because i knew in just a moment i'd be getting a hug from him. now he won't stop to say hello. i need to get used to that. i need to forget him. i need to get ready to go to school. maybe i'll see him. why do i care? i can't figure out why i care. i know he doesn't care. but i still want to see him. i want to prove to him, here i am, i'm happy and cute and doing fine without you. even if its a lie. even if its all a lie. "save some face. you know you've only got one. change your ways, while you're young. boy, one day you'll be a man. oh girl, he'll help you understand." will i ever understand? merilyn told me yesterday that when i go off to college and all these boys start liking me, not to rush off and marry the first one who is convinced he loves me. i think i'm in great danger of that. i want to get married. i want to be loved. so what if i don't love the guy? i want to be in love so badly, what if i settle for fake feelings? i think i might have with brady... i think i settled for him because he liked me. i was so happy because he liked me. so stupidly happy. and now i can't stop thinking about him and he doesn't like me anymore. screw it. life sucks. what can i do about it? why can't i truly believe in myself? why can't i love and be loved? why can't i get a date to senior prom? love, lisa ann