i'm many things but not a victim.
Listening to: the fan

as empowering as the title of the entry sounded, i must admit that i feel lost. immediately after that happened i guess i broke down and started crying, blubbering fool i must have been. she tells me that i started talking about how i was raped by my ex and person i thought was a friend... i wish i hadn't shared that. following that gritty reveal, i asked to see him again, i called his name out.

so, self, you would rather surround yourself among unsafe company than be alone?

why are you hiding from yourself?

i think that's it. i can't confront my issues. yet, there i go, making a new one.

 

i remember getting to the bar, talking, arguing, seeing an ex and freaking out, cooling down, drinking, meeting the guy, going back into the other side of the bar... leaving, getting to an apartment. this is where it gets tricky.

i remember trying to convince the guys to get shitfaced, i remember that in doing so, i too got shitfaced. i remember leaning on the guy, a lot, him whispering stuff, getting really close to my face...

 

falling on the couch, with him on the bottom or was i on top? him starting to get all worked up, me asking why my bra wasn't on me, him putting it back on... trying to fall to the ground so as to get some space and this is where there's just flashes of memory.

i remember him taking off my bottoms, him going inside

blank.

then him getting out, rushing to put my clothes back on... my friend coming and asking what happened and him saying nothing...

me asking what just happened, what just happened... somehow making it to the restroom.. crying and throwing up??? at one point i dropped something and the i don't fucking know.

 

being in the bathroom, crying.

 

saying that all guys were terrible and that i'm only good for that, that's all my body is good for... i don't know.

 

and i remember making it to my friend's house and sleeping. i feel i don't know how i feel.

 

i wanted control, so bad. i rmember they said that i deserved a great guy, that i was fit and beautiful and in shape and other bull and i remember saying, yeah i don't know about any of that so anyways... i remember them saying that several times... i don't know why.

 

i'm really sad. today i had my run as well. a friend that i hadn't heard from in a while texted me and he ended up coming out to run it with my kiddo and i. it was pretty great. there were many moments when i would stop, and think back to the previous night and get kind of sad. it's just heavy.

 

so that's six now. it's been less than 6 months and already 6.

what am i doing? what the fuck is going on with me.

 

i just wanted him to hold me and i really wanted to cry, cry for everything. these last three years. cry and cry and cry. i didn't want to let him go. 

 

broken. that's how i feel.

this summer, last summer was the catalyst. this summer, choking up on the fumes. choking up bad.i don't think i should share this with the other. poor kid's got plenty to worry about, can't have him taking on my issues as well.

130 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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