I wish i could select a feeling but I'm out of touch with them. sucks.

my biggest fear has always been to be watched without my knowing. does that makes sense? that and the ocean. it's so vast and the waves-they crash all that stands in their way. I love fire. i guess i like feeling like i'm in control... though I know i am not.

control. control is...

quitting old habits

saying no

being calm

that's all i want. Can i adapt without having a meltdown? I go into this state of fear. I don't want it. stop. that's it!

wher i'm living now, I am happy to a degree. i love my husband. i like the space i have from my family. i miss them. i like missing them.

why am i here?

there are things i can't share... won't share with other people because I am afraid of worrying them. so, in turn they don't understand me. they are patient with me. i am very patient with them.

this medication. i'm so tired of this damn medication. so tired that I have decided to foolishly split my dosage in half and eventually stop taking it. This will be the last week. i can eat again.

it's funny.

i take the medication and in turn i don't go into a frenzy every time there's an event.

so that means that i feel catatonic. all the time. i sleep forever and i don't care. i don't eat and i don't care.

i don't want to eat. sleeping is difficult as well.

i smoke so i want to eat again. i smoke so i can sleep.

i'm smoking more now than ever before. this is problematic.

i don't go out. i don't visit my parents and family. i haven't seen my friends in months. i'm barely doing enough to make it through the day. my habit is getting in the way of my relationships. my poor husband.

what's ironic is I've studied all of this. i know this. still, i've continued.

i've read studies that investigate people that have had similar upbringings as mine and there is a hiiiiiigh incidence of addiction and risky behaviors. sounds great, right?

they always say it's the papers. the damn papers.

i say no.

i say it's a number of circumstances that really make it difficult for me to visualize my future.

there's so much angst in my family. at least they get to worry about themselves. i need to do something.

i was 4 weeks and two exams away from becoming an educator. damn anxiety. my body couldn't continue. my father was in an accident. my poor mom, whole host of things there too. my aunt's dealing with a divorce and her kids are scattered trying to make life work. all i can do is help by teaching them life skills and listening to them. i care, deeply.

in the chaos i find myself, she's terrified.

her dream is to be a house.

i said that when i was shit drunk and up to no good. from those stupid choices came that revelation. i want stability and my own space.

i regret it happening but i don't. i'm just like my father but i'm not.

it takes a crazy action from an unstable person to fight an erratic feeling... is what i put into action. that's what happens when i keep things to myself. i'm so used to self-medicating.

this is an obsession of mine. most of my entries are reflections. all the things i wanted to say when events took place. i was too shy and scared to say these things. when i die all that will be left are these post reactions...

no. i don't want that. i want self-actualization. i want to make things with my hands. i need space to be alone, my own space. i want to make things that help me understand myself. i want to know me again. i want to open the door and let the words dance off my tongue. i want to feel fulfilled, exhausted, and satisfied. i want to know my body, better than before.

no more circles. i've moved passed the perfect circle and am now in search for that balance that changes from time to time.