is there anyone home?

i don't know.

what's on my mind?

work has literally wrecked my body; my soul had a hit the other day as well.

what has my usage, or no that's not the question. numb. numb. dumb. dizzy.

i feel dizzy. i feel weak. my body is not well. i want to change that. i want to get back into running. today i ran a mile and it was shit cold outside. i had a massive headache after. i felt my shoulders stiffen up and my right ankle was bothering me but once i looked up i felt that the view was mine and mine alone. it felt so good to claim that view as mine. i was alone and it felt so right.

i went to visit my aunt today; she's not doing so well. she had surgery in the morning and is recovering. tomorrow i'm going to take her some mexican bread and maybe some couscous? i told my uncle that the slice of cake he sent me was delicious, he was very appreciative.

i feel so far away from them.

earlier i had dinner with my mom and my dad, i haven't had dinner with them in months... about five months, possibly more. we live in the same house.

i miss my family but i know once i get close bad things, i can't explain it, i get so anxious. i don't like being close to people, too much risk.

i've hit another fork in the road.

the irony hahaha.

baabe oooh. baaaabe, i'm gonna leave you. oooh baaaaaaby. you know, i really got to leave youuuu.

this song. fuck. these damn songs.

i feel. i am. that's me, that's me at my most meeee-est. i don't care to get high or drunk. i don't want to forget, i can't forget. i don't want to numb the pain, i want to know what's going on. i want to know what's going on, what's causing it and what can i do to change it.

but now, i got to go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

love is not enough.

i want to learn, to read, to listen. i want a chance to interpret, the space to share.

this is what i'm looking for in a relationship; someone that can grow with me. i feel like i'm growing, i'm growing far away from him. i feel like he's resentful.

that really upsets me.

actually, it doesn't upset me, i'm thinking of rage. it pisses me off. i don't want to be stunted, stepped on, censored, hushed by anyone.

what pisses the fuck out of me are empty threats. that just, those aren't buttons, no, now you're tampering with wires. buttons piss but wires implode. that's not very wise. empty threats... mmmm that's not very becoming of anyone. i don't care how high you are, it's inexcusable. damn, my insides are trembling with rage. yes. i want to, i want toooo continue writing.

don't forget, don't eeever forget the words that shook your core, "with our without you, i'll be just fine. i never want to need you, i just want to enjoy your company. i don't want to use you nor would i want you to use me. we're both strong enough people to move on."

that stays true and will never ever change. i'm working with every cell in my body so that can remain true. i never want to depend on anyone. the shit i'm putting up with now only gets me closer to leaving. the goal isn't to leave, no, it's to grow and part of growing is learning to be independent.

my biggest enemy is myself; my pride.