well apparently, "he" was the least of my problems... i got it revoked.. my admission.. because of a mistake that the school made... at least id like to beleive so... :s. i could die right now, it would be good... at least i wouldn't be a failure. this is really immature and childish... but i just need to act my age right now. im filled with anguish... i just want to sleep... this was my biggest fear. i knew it was coming.. i wrote it in one of my entries lol! i knew somehow i wouldn't go. tommorow i start my summer courses at the local community college... i'm also planning on paying my old school a visit.. i need to at least try to get an "appeal".. something. i dont want to give up. when i read the letter... it just... was... i couldn't believe it... 4.0!!! what the heeell???? what's all this then, eh??? pinche burro!!!! fregado viejo.... por su culpa!!.. tearing the skin to see what's left... starting to sound pretty appealing.... tempting.... i want to die. as though legs and arms were ripped off my torso... the door... la salida... cerada.... i wanted to die because i had no way out, i was convinced that i was completely helpless... once accepted... all that changed.. i laughed... with security.. confidence.. i guess i got too cocky. life is weird. im so angry... i've had a headache.. or pain.. i can't explain it... it's just... i'm so angry... everytime something happened.. i always looked to "it".. and thought... there's my door. i want to die. i'll do anything to feel better.. well.. as long as i don't harm myself.. when i say i want to die.. i don't.. i do.. i'm not quite sure that i don't mean it. life is weird. hahahaha the irony... amazing.... "this is a test, just think of it this way, once you surmount it you'll be a stronger woman..." i'm angry. i just want to call him up and say "ey! let's go camping!".. and up there... just forget everything... and totally lose myself. mmmm i know, it would be incredibly foolish because i would definately regret it... giving it to him... giving in to him... i'd loathe myself for a loooooong time... and then i'd lose weight... interest... more sleep... nah. i need an ephemeral solace... eee my ears haven't popped yet! i need a fling.. i need a distraction! SOMETHING! this cannot stay the same... i want to die. i hate this feeling. rejuventated that sense of instability that was, oh so cruel thanks hahahah the irony!