i guess there's not alot to say at the moment... the last five months have been really crazy. i don't know who i am anymore. i got rid of my fb, i can't handle being this distracted. lately i've been drawing a bit, it feels nice but i just can't seem to express what's going on inside. i feel anxious. yes. anxious energy is hitting the walls of my being. i like the color of my nail polish, it's a shame i've almost ran out of it.

so, around me things are changing. a lot. i mean a whooole lot. i feel like i've been left behind due to my insecurities. on the other hand, in other arenas of my life i feel that i've been doing well... it's just the way i go about my relationships, a bit unorthodox. okay, very unorthodox, risky, highly dangerous behavior-many choices that i would never imagine myself making. the further i go down this route, the more casualties pile up. the heavier the weight on my being, the less likely i am to believe i deserve something better... or so i've been taught to believe. to be honest, i look back and i think fuck it. that's what i think. all these people, i have so much resentment. a year ago, a year ago i didn't know shit. i was so naive. now, the very thing i had despised, it has been manifested through my actions. i have become what hurt me. why? i can tell you why, because i became vulnerable again and was shot down by a fool. that's what's going on. it hurt, so much. the pain, temporarily blinded me. it was humiliating. i still feel humiliated. and to finish it off, a gift i had prepared, i ask if he wants it, doesn't even have the gull to answer. fucking absurd. seriously. i say i know i deserve so much more, but what does that even mean. this is a statement, rhetorical question. i don't know where i'm at right now. i don't have the slightest of clues... all i can do is immerse myself back into running, the gym, family, and job hunting... something will click. i'll click. i can't succumb to the numbness. i have to become more aware, i know i must feel something, i can't resort to other substances. i must set the example. i am not alone, i impact the people around me. though they may not find out about stupid things that i do, the guilt i carry does keep me from getting closer to them. i must recognize that. something must change. i just don't know what. i don't know where to start.

hahaha what i told my cousin, what i've told him many times now

"you know how when you're looking for a distraction, you close your eyes and imagine yourself lying next to someone, and you get that butterfly kind of feeling.. or you just feel at peace and really happy... you know how that person can be anyone, and i do mean anyone... you know who i imagine? i imagine myself laying with myself, i don't desire anyone right now!!"

this is the truth. at the moment there is no one that i want to be with. i mean, there are bodies that i think oooo fun, but i think back to my last sexcapade and remember how i was waiting for it to be over, as soon as it started i was already checked out. making out was fun, but as soon as the mystery was gone, i was as well. yeah. that's, that's when you know. when sex is whatever, yeah...

maybe it's because i'm resentful. these months, in my dream, i've been forced to recollect, i've had little to deal with so i've been thinking about the past and realized that rape. yes. rape. i wrote it. rape, he raped. he raped because he could. somehow, he believed that he could convince me with his body to want sex, not just any sex, noooo sex i had explicitely said that i did not want. it was painful. it happened twice. both times, the idiot... god that's not the right word... i can't think of a word to describe him, just, i don't wish death... i'm just furious, i feel rage, at the memory. at him. that worm. spineless. wretched. manipulative spoiled shit. entitled jackass. that leech, parasite. he was a parasite. the thought of him, i never ever want to see him, ever. if i ever see him, i think i would want nothing more than to burn a whole through his forehead with a magnifying glass. so evil. so very very cruel. that fuckface. god i'm so angry. i still remember the last time we had sex, i hated it. i feel nausea just imagining it, i remember the smell.. i hated the smell. disgusting. i was uninterested. i was just trying to get the job done. i didn't have to do, or endure any of that. i will never endure any of that. never. fuck no. god i'm so angry. it's over now. i am free. free. this does relax me. i can celebrate in peace now. i'm no longer to be "shared", i belong to no one. i live. and it feels great.

i can't be with anyone right now. not for a long time. i need to be free. i need to know who the hell is looking back in that mirror. i must know what all of the 126.8 lbs are composed of. what's my smell?? who is this person that can conjure up these images? what can she do to find peace? before, what she was experiencing was not peace... she wasn't even comfortable. i don't know what was happening, but it was familiar. i almost followed in my mother's footsteps...

so if before i wasn't comfortable and at peace, that thing.. that time, this false sense of stability i had established, what was i trying to emmulate? can i create my own state of being, one that is neither confining or comfortable? i don't want to be in a state of anxiety all the time, it's wearing me down.

these are my words. if you have a problem with them, if you wish to share them, fuck you. it's one thing if it's entertaining to you, but i will not allow you to hold my own thoughts over me as a way to control me... you will not use my words to threaten me. these thoughts, there isn't a person that i love that's not aware of this. everyone else, i really don't care what they think. i know that the people that love me will stand by my side... this is not news to them. my circle has grown, and will continue to grow. i own my words. this belongs to me. i just started sharing what you did, i can assure you that what happened will not be staying within this little text box. i don't search for vengeance, i want to heal. in order to heal, i need to talk about it. tonight i'm choosing to write. tomorrow, we'll see what other mediums of expression i'll use :)

yes. mine. mine. oh and the friends, yeah, had it not been for me you wouldn't have them. and don't you forget that ;).

oh and another thing, yes they care about you, the image i helped create of you. since then you've carried on by yourself... it must be very exhausting maintaining the fascade all by yourself. so lonely. i don't plan on destroying that image, i hope, that someday i can say that i wish you fake it so much that you become it... right now, right now i just hope you fall on your face again. i'm still pissed off like shit. so much so, i hope you trip up a couple times so you get to struggle to create another fascade. maybe one day my wish will change.

parasite.

mk, signing off...