so much has happened. i'm letting go, he's not good for me. i can't seem to attract anyone my age. somehow i was involved with a 33 year old?? that was an interesting lesson. i've come to realize that no, i do not want someone to love me. i don't want to fall into anything.

the second person i met was 31.

these last guys, well, more like boys are younger than me. one is 21? the other is 18. just ew. i can't.

what the fuck. just what the fuck.

my mom almost found out. i panicked. i wanted to cry after it was over. i want to cry now. i'm trying, i really am trying to make things okay. there's so much i need to do.

love. i've never experienced consumate love.

i've been infatuated, had companionate love, empty love, fatuous love, but that lovely trinity of passion, intimacy, and committment have never been present at once.

with the right person.

i have the option of being with whoever, i am fortunate. i haven't tried anything else and i'm afraid if once i do, there'll be no turning back and that'll be it. the happiness of my family or my own liberation.

yes i censor myself, i'm always "on".

i love them, i don't want to hurt them. this is a painful existence.