i left. yes. big surprise. to be honest, it was a really big surprise to all of my family. they were all so worried. i could no longer ignore the signs. there are red flags and then there are meteors. the sky and the ground were full of them. i mean, it was obscene. what the fuck was i doing?

this is what i've understood:

in order to stay distracted and accompanied, taken care of, and all that i endured all of the bullshit.

when we played he was at times too aggressive, i'm so glad i never backed down and at many times outsmarted the jackass.

as soon as i was free from work or school he was organizing to meet up. if i even thought about making plans with my friends or family he would get upset. i was such a fool. he was trying to isolate me. he did.

during any given moment, plans had already been made the hour before, day before, week, month, year... i was always "late" on giving my "2 cents".

he always kicked the dog in the rib cage, even if i protested... he grabbed the kitten by the head and threw him.

he wanted me to move in. he wanted to keep an eye on me at all times.

he would surprise me at work if i didn't text him back.

he went to run the track just to see if he could catch me there, to make sure my friend indeed was female.

he wanted to keep me sedated. numb.

he showed up at 4:30am in front of my parent's house, because the last message i had sent him was at 11ish, even after i had told him i was at my friend's house. he said "time isn't relevant to me when it comes to us" some creepy bull.

he won't stop calling me, texting me. i don't sleep in my room because i feel like i'm being watched. i carry a baton and pepper spray just in case.

i hope he reads this. all of these entries. this is fucking insane.

the first meal i made myself after having broken up with him, i cried. the first shower i took i cried. the first time i laid in my own bed after that day, i cried myself to sleep.

you don't understand, i'm free. if you think i'm going back to you. you are so mistaken. the things you said, the things you suggested. egocentric, self-centered, selfish little chicken shit. if being me means i can't achieve that glory you've been drooling over, so be it. i could care less. i'm at peace, i can sleep. the last year had been hell. you were awful. so very awful. you used me. i wanted company but you, you wanted clay. you wanted a punching bag. you wanted an escape goat. you wanted me for yourself, another creature you've caught with your brutish hands. go fuck yourself.

wow there's so much more. so much more. so much rage.