i was talking to my friend today. she told me of her favorite "thing" about spring. she said it was the grass. right before she told me it, she told me not to laugh. she told me it had to do with the memory of her old softball games. how she loved the smell of grass because it smelled fresh on the field (she plays outfield..something like that lol) right before she told me she had me promise her i would tell her why i enjoyed the winter so much. i did.. it felt weird.. something..uncanny. im not sure.. but we had a good time. i did spend all my money on what she wished for, but i dun car much because it was..well worth it :) im supposed to find someone i can spill everything to. who? why? this is fine for me. i mean, i dont have any major problems, im sane..why should i? this is probably my pride speaking lol. i dont need anyone to "express myself to" i do that differently. painting drawing writing and sometimes just supressing. its been working just fine. so..why? i feel fine. im fine. im listening to the velvet underground. they're pretty decent. sweet jane yes. my ex enjoyed them. he really influenced my music taste. he introduced me to tool..well he didnt introduce me, but he told me of them and i was begining to be interested in them more and more. the velvet underground..wo... im reading a book right now and the setting started out in alameda, which is where he lives..four hours from where i live. i wish i could see him. saying that would be admitting defeat..so i wont. thinking it would be ..well.. the same i guess. im currently supressing all emotions i have towards him. i do this with everything. just ignore the urge and itll be gone. with sleeping, smiling, crying(emotions), and eating. im pretty sure thats why i lost over fifteen pounds last summer. hm? well now i weigh 126 and im 5'6.5 ft tall. is that normal..i doubt it. im doing just fine with everything right now. im not moody towards anyone which is good. i now feel complete as a person..well not quite. that longing still lingers in me, but i ignore it. good right? its easy. im doing just fine right now. at times though, i still wonder if im truly happy. is this it? all those moments of catastrophies..and i get over all of it.. just like that? is there a catch? i didnt even have to talk about it..with anyone. everything that goes on in my life that associates my family, relationships..stays with me. everything that happens in my life that does not ascertain to them.. stays with me. am i normal? is it ok? i ask this because everyone says they have someone to talk to abou these kind of "things" i dont. but im ok anyways.. hmm.. am i? sure, why not. why shouldnt i be? if i can deal with my problems on my own for a decade, then i can do it for a few more decades. hopefully ill make to through highschool -blue