i don't remember writing the previous entry. how do i feel. i don't think i can answer that with words. i can't conjure up words to describe how i'm feeling. what i can say is that i'm anxious. i know that much. there's more but i just don't know how to express that bit. i feel like i may be losing my mind. i can't stand this. i feel like running my head into the wall. how much more.

my race is in three weeks. i'm incredibly nervous. maybe that's it. i don't know. my goal is to finish. i'd like to get through with the race without walking, just run/jog the whole thing. we'll see how it goes. i hope it goes well. i need these things in my life to keep things different. i can't just sit back and hope things just happen for me, i must make the decisions... take the steps to create the rifts that will keep me going. no football games, food, not i want something more. i need these goals. i need to continue going to the gym. i need to see that energy manifest itself in lifting and running, anything of that nature.

a new relationship will not bring me happiness. i cannot forget this. it's like everytime i see him i just get so involved with the notion of having someone with me that i forget how great it has been being single. i've discovered so much about myself.

i want to be with someone that is willing to work towards complimenting me. i want to be with someone that i would be happy to compliment... does that make sense? i would like someone that's my equal. yeah. in every sense. i want to learn, i want to teach, i want there to be a mutual understanding that taken apart we're both fine. no co-dependence.

i'm just ranting away. i don't know that i'm being all to clear about all this.