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Listening to: the train

i've never been able to settle on an idea for a tattoo but there is something that's had a grip on me.

 

so, i have someone that's very close to me, so very very close, that presented an idea. a tree. this tree was inspired by trees i used to paint and draw when i was younger. they were to elaborate and balanced. i usually used blue ink or blue paint... sometimes dark red and on one ocassion all i used were warm colors. he would like a tattoo of these trees on his side.

 

this person is very close to me, knows of most of my "skeletons". when i'm around this person i'm just me, shameless and laughing. i laugh so hard i snort. this person is a member of a group of people that i would do anything for. i really care for this group of people and know they care for me as well. in the past i had never created this kind of bond. i feel complete.

yes, at the moment i don't have a job.

i'm not going to school, can't afford it.

 

all i have right now are my duties as a translator for my household, taking care of the household, going to the gym to stay healthy, and working towards a change in my sister's perception of herself.

before, this would have not of been enough for me. i would have been restless.

 

now i feel, i feel okay. i'm not entirely happy with how things are but i know that things will change. i've never had that kind of peace. 

 

when i complete my first marathon i would like to get a tattoo of a tree with this person. no, he's not my boyfriend, and no he's not just a friend either. he's family. a family member i can really confide in, one that really "gets things".

 

anyways, yes, first marathon=tattoo.

the second tattoo will be when i either get my master's or when i complete my first ultrathon. actually better make that doctorate's. that feels better. the second tattoo will be of a circle, i like circles. or something. i don't know.

 

tree for now. :)

 

being that i have so much time on my hands, sort of lol, i've developed a little crush on someone that goes to the gym. he's very handsome and we kind of look alike? i haven't mustered up the courage to talk to him yet-yes this is me right now, can't believe i'm still like this at this age.

 

i say this because usually when i like or want something/someone, i move. again, a great word to describe me is shameless. well, maybe there's a word that doesn't have such a negative vibe... hmmm, in spanish it's descarada. i ask for numbers. i set up dates. i approach. just, this guy, ay i'm so off it's embarassing!

this guy, he's not my friend. i always thought him and i were going to start something but the more i think about it, i begin to realize that we're just not compatible. we're great friends. well, sort of. to be honest, i think my friendship, what i have to offer on my end has cost me a lot of pain. to escape the pain i've made some really stupid decisions these past four months.

i need a new ball pump, my soccer ball is flat :/ ebay to the rescue lol.

 

right so, him and i. him and i... what can i say about that, nothing really. we were great before i had confessed that stuff to him. he gave me, or actually, he helped me have the best day of my life. that bikeride to woodward park. those eight miles were amazing. and after, the sandwich, though very pricey, and the gazillion layer bean dip with overpriced tortilla chips were delicious. taking pictures on that cliff, watching the birds and the people ride by. the sun, watching the sun set and taking crazy pictures, yeah. talking about weird foods on the way back to the car going to the cupcake shop, seeing it was closed, and getting starbucks... stopping by to watch some kids play some instruments outside of starbucks... pretty awesome. good times. later that night, confessing the crush... mmm. i don't regret it. it's how i felt. now, how do i feel??

 

i close my eyes and try to picture myself laying down with someone... who do i desire?

 

no one.

 

i haven't been single this long in years. eight, almost 9 years. i feel good. i feel attractive. i feel like i'm more than a catch, i'm real. yeah. yes.

 

i feel good. this is kind of crazy. i don't know what to do with myself.

 

i don't know this person here, no i don't. i don't recognize the confidence or the honesty, the openess. who am i? 

 

i'm in the process of finding out.

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time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
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buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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