where is my mind
Listening to: where is my mind - maxence cyrin

i should be feeling okay, but i feel weird. i don't know how to express these waves of whatever the hell this is. i can manage, it's just, i don't know. i think they're from not having my cousin around anymore. we used to share everything; events that took place during the day and silly gossip at the gym. after the gym we'd play lol. hahaha good times.

now he's off to college, good guy. i'm happy for him, worried, i don't want to smother him.

so the coworker at work, she really doesn't like me and i guess her buddy buddy doesn't care for me either. i really don't have time for this, i don't have the energy to waste. fuuuuck it. i'm done talking to her, saying hi all that nonsense. i just, i can't fake whatever. i can't

"el mundo es de los hipocritas" said my grandmother, uncles, and mother.

this is one of the most difficult lessons i've had to learn. this and

"no te des toda"

i have a big problem with dissapointing people; i can't allow that to happen.

so i've decided that him and i, guy from gym, ain't working. our schedules do not allow for anything "special" to happen. that and, he doesn't dance. the guy is so serious... he takes himself too seriously. he expects the best yet can't wash his shoes or shorts... something, there's something that just smells awful. only goes to the gym two or three times a week, doesn't do a whole lot and to be honest i'm pretty sure he's just overworking the same muscles, doesn't do cardio, and he more than two days in a row without exercising and in the process loses any condition he had built up. seriously, dude, no.

he's handsome. okay, so? he's awake... aware, i like that. he's tall and has a nice job... it's nice, not great. so different. we're so very different.

 

are we? i read my last post, i don't i wouldn't use "humble" to describe me. maybe we're not so different. i don't know.

 

i think this is what i needed. i need to step back more. just, take a moment to look at my life and my relationships. i've never been this close to my mom or my dad. i feel very fortunate to have something to offer them. for the first time last sunday i ran 11 miles. i ran them at a 9 minute pace. i'm only responsible for myself, i'm not pregnant. i don't suffer from any illnesses, well at least i think i don't :s. i'm attractive, i can tell. i can make friends. i get to play with kiddos, they're so sweet. honestly, i just i get to overwhelmed sometimes at how happy working with the kids make me. there are people outside of my household that actually care about me, care a great deal for me.  there are people outside of my household that i would take bullets for as well. my sister is doing better, she has a boyfriend. i can change my body any way i would like. i can paint, i can do anything. 

 

i guess i was anxious, i hadn't ran all week. you should see my fingers, they're all scabbed up. i can sleep, i can actually go to sleep. everything is going to be fine.

120 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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