more to bear.

i close my eyes and the images of that night flood my mind. the grief that fills me triggers a shift, a door is opened and, for the first time in a long time, i can shed tears for myself. The tears role down my face and tickle my cheeks. the water gathers at the edge of my nostrils and drips. i set my head down and give in to the memory, the sadness envelopes me. 

it was a dark room, your room was dark. i remember laying there in disbelief. this is happening. your desire, i remember your desire.

i close my eyes and take a deep breath, close my eyes and let them roll down.

i cared. for the first time i cared. i opened up. i wished, for the first time i wished for something. it's not my time yet.

i thought i was good enough. i thought i meant something different, i thought you saw me. 

i'm not in a dark place. i'm hurt. i don't want to use the company of others as an escape. i want to enjoy my solitude. i don't want to use people. i don't want to give them the wrong idea. this hurts.

there is no such thing. i see that now.

 

i want to be set free.

i am the only person that can set myself free. no longer do i hold my tears hostage, they move freely. this is the beginning. 

166 hit(s) Ignore the smoke  
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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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167 post(s)