fish

i dreamt about a goldfish. i was in the kitchen, looking over the pile of dishes on the table. my mother was standing on the other side of the table. she was talking and i don't remember what she was saying. i look over to my right and on a wooden cutting board i see a llive goldfish that was the size of my hand. i pick a bowl out of the pile and wash it and fill it with water. i put the goldfish in but it's not submersed. i try a few more bowls but none of them are big enough for the fish. i finally spot one and i see my mother had been using it and i tell her to help me save the fish. i grab the bowl, wash it, fill it with water and turn over to look for the fish. at this point the fish has completely dried up into a roll. i cry. i woke up crying, actually crying. i couldn't stop crying.

my nails are long again.

i need to make an appointment soon. i need to be enrolled in the class first. i need movement, change. what am i looking for? goals. i haven't even had time to enjoy the "fruits of my labor" and i'm already planning out for the next goal. i need to stay busy. i don't like wasting time. is this a waste? i'm feeling better. i'm talking. the words exist outside of me. i can come back to this and it will still exist. someone can find this, read this. the power of writing. what a privilege. i'm not being sarcastic at all. two languages. that's incredible. 

i was laughing so hard i cried. my eyes are not what they used to be.

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Entry List
time
the turn
hm
howl
blank
balance
gums
water
focus
the light
relapse
remedy
dry
moving on
intentional.
balance
fish
july
leaving
jardin
friction
being heard.
blank
comfortably numb
paint.
truth.
sleep.
waiting
free.
alone
the calm
oy.
salt
voice
hurts to breathe
lids
breathing
buzz
gum
more to bear.
hurt
blank
i see.
ears are burning.
waiting.
little black pill
fuck anything that moves
cold
blister
ride
5th
sore
tightness
fog
a need
sick puppy.
fairness
bridges
lines
ha
where is my mind
peel
congestion
movement
growing
sleeping on the kitchen...
cracks and pops
top top top
awake
TODAY.
i'm many things but not a...
own it.
three years older
!!!
cold wall
safe space
9
explain this to me please
blank
blank
blank
blank
blank
:o
blank
blank
:)
mm
wow
click
again
blank
blank
shimmy shimmy
blank
blank
blank
what?
blank
ahem...
the truth is...
hello
i'm good
halt... what the third time...
chirp
what is it
blank
tremble
can't even breathe
josh ya
blank
blank
clear
blank
ay
esperanza
capricious
choice
did we just have a moment?...
dizzy
stretch
"let me give you some more...
dream
corn
yack
fiddling
blank
here
allay me
it was my muffin..
if
"dante's inferno" pt. 2
revoked
"dante's inferno"
edge
recollecting
the twitch
eh
repeat
hollow?
weak
blank
there
blurry
choke
heh
just
blank
blank
blank
FOOK YOU
fook
*dot dot dot*
out with the old! in with the...
?
ouch..?
question
life death blah
plane
blank
blank
sky
the wheels on the bus go...
it?
spring dreaming
SMILE, it makes the world go...
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