This song..it's so true. I need to be woken up from this newly developed nightmare. It did start in September, and maybe it will end soon. Matt's dad might have a way of helping us, but you know how that is. Matt even asked if I would just come move in with him...but I can't leave my dad and my girls. I love that he is worried that much about me, but I can't leave here even though each day longer here is killing me. I am getting shady in school again and returning to the quiet and shadowy act. I know that I shouldn't, but I feel that the less it's noticable to some people, the better I'll be. I've found another entry that I though I should post. Remember...it's a few years old, so no one please yell at me.... ----------------------------------- Dear Diary 9-25-02 I don't know why but y whole reality seems to be dying away. I wonder if it has to do with my two friends "going out". I'm glad for them, really. I just wish I could understand why I want to be alone so much. Why can't I feel anything but boredom with everyone and everything? If this is normal for a young teenager, then I guess I'm normal. I get so scared inside and can hear myself crying, but only inside of me. When I am with my friends I still feel distant and not able to reach them. I don't understand this at all. All I know is I want to break down, but I just am not able to. I can't cry except when I feel like am I losing someone important. When will this stop and when I need to be able to know. I wish I could tell my friends, but they just don't get what I am fighting. What am I suppose to do? If only I wasn't like this, but like the Paula last year. I wish I was still open and instead I shut everything up inside. I only hope that I can find my way again. ---------------- See? I guess the thoughts of loneliness only increased from the break-up with Brad. I know I don't feel like that anymore, and I'm glad. I do however still feel useless in some aspects, and this with the family. Someday I hope I can find the answer to it. I hope that Mark, Matt's dad, can help like he wants to. Things are only getting worse.... If I smile and don't Believe Soon I know, I'll wake From this dream Don't try to fix me I'm not broken Hello... I'm the lie living for you so you can hide Hello Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping Hello I'm still here All that's left of yesterday -Kat-