Not really monotonous. Chris. Broke up with Chris because we both couldn'y be fucked with shit. He continues on to miss me and "love" me, and "wants" me "back". i know i can't handle, so i wonder constantly why i even approach boys anymore. Boarding school. i'm gunned down again. No leave granted this term- no leave allowed to be taken next term, and then i finish school. Because i am too cool for school. Fuck them. Smoking. i've recently given up smoking (as of a couple-a-week ago), because rich people get richer, and the poor keep getting poorer. Becoming addicted to smoking is dnagerous, as i have only just realised, 6years on from starting the habit. It's one of the most powerful drugs out, and there are hidden fuck-overs involved if one decides to give-in. i get a headache just thinking that my blood doesn't have 'tine floating in it anymore. It's devastating, and i want one now. But i do not -need- it (..and my vision gets hazy in crave). Staci and Robness and their Baby. Roness and Staci and their Baby. Their Baby and Robness and Staci. Their Baby and Staci and Robness. Staci and Robness had their baby on The Thrid of August, and i don't even know it's name. She wass 6pounds, and beautiful, thas all i know. Thats all i want to know at the moment. Given time, i'll want to know -everyhting-. But he is still distant, and i don't care much. Just because it's been so long, and the only this i can feel is differency. Not that that stops love. Staci fucks me off still, and i don't even know herr or talk to her or think of her. Robness is just building hatred inside of me, not hatred. More Anger. And Discomfort and De-Trust. A lot like Love. i read a stupid little love story t'other night. It made me think: Jordan. i don't know why, and i don't wish to. He hardly cares to know i still exist. i seen Tim, he's engaged- again. Matt (Padman) is engaged. Lilli. Just different. Very. Very. Maybe i'm the one that's changed, but she's the one hanging out with young people and death metal and skulls and a skinhead chick and under-age clubs and gigs. Whattttt? That's Lily. Lilli is a girly-girl who hated getting her hands dirty. Hated bugs. Hated anything unlady-like. Thought deth metal was death worship, much like my mother. Mother. -->Mum. Is going out? As of last night? With Joanne and somebody unnamed? i'm happy for her, honestly. At least there are some happy endings. i think my father is somewhat bewildered, but i never realy know what he thinks. Jez-dawg. Back with Antony Moore. They broke up a couple/few months ago, and last night he told me that she's the best piece of gold he's ever seen. He'd die for her. He'd take 14years in prison to avenge her death. He'll continue to hit her and restrict her and give her away to drugs and if she -ever- finds this, she wont like me much at all. But i just feel disappointed. Disappointed in knowing that all her struggle wasn't for anything, she's back with him and he's changed. i think she might be pregnant? i pray to God that she isn't. i love her -too- much. But i'd try to be happy for her. Me. i feel sick, dunno why. Psychology is a fucking joke. i've been quite angry lately. i'm going with Jez to Christchurch in the holidays. It'll be interesting. It'll be fun. .At the end of the day, it feels like i'm the only one that's saying Always. Mums are cool. so are dads.