'bout time i gave another fuckn entry, huh. another page of my life. written. teared off. and screwed up. thrown in the bin. today i started writing robness another letter. because the last didn't get to him (s'prise, s'prise). i did this graph, and i thought it was pretty damn accurate. it represented how fucked we were and how much further we've come. not me and him, though. Jess is coming to Melbourne on the 1st of April. Ironically, it's the same day as my liver biopsy, and even more ironically, a celebration of love and alcohol. Work is as work does. works. i have been occupied with going to the gym every night this week, so far (we are at tuesday), and will carry out with it. i'm not losing any weight because my liver's fucked. i think i've got a food enzyme disorder of somesort. anyho.. work. yeahnah, looking for another job. pref in nz, back home, where the heart is and always has been, and always will be. maybe getting some good money here though, so we will see what i manage. fucken angry with work atm. sore neck and back from gym. also need to organise a snowboarding trip or something. i dunno. but i need to plan and put structure into my life, anywhere because it's fucking with me. feel like seeing danielle as well. hm all for nowsa. xx me ----------------------------------------------------edit stupid fucken miele vacuum cleaner. god, i have not harassed anyone in too long. i cannot wait until jess gets here. it is approx 11.30pm, and i am sitting up in bed typing on my lappy. should be asleep, very very late. i just had to add that i beboed Carissa (axl's cousin), and mark and doc, and not jess or hayden or petifly like i probably should've. at the moment i have so many emotions and feelings running through me that i need to talk to someone. this isn't bad, nor is it good, but i just would like to talk. if i don't, i feel trapped and claustrophobic. i am excited jess is coming to see me soon! i am excited that the doctors are finally gonna know what's wrong with me after my biopsy! (whether good or bad) i am worried and have a bad gut feeling anytime i think about ex, which isn't too often, but not a rare enough ocassion. it's weird. i used to get it when we were together, and something was ALWAYS wrong. he was always letting me down, always having to fulfill bad habits and always doing things behind my back. not because i wouldn't approve, but because he wanted to feel like he was good at being someone he wasn't. and he passed with flying colours, i tell you. lies are infectious and spread like a highly contagious disease. as did his fake affection for drugs, his wrong passion for "something more". his curiosity killed him. i am drained from work. i am dreading the gym tomorrow of which a 4k walk will follow. i am dreading looking for another job and even trying to comprehend my position along this rollercoaster of life. i am terrified of waking up every morning, and saying outloud "what the fuck am i doing in melboune? why the fuck am i here? how? what." i am feeling strange about meeting Kotare (Jess's baby) for the first time. it's so much to take in, all these people having kids. i'm just sorta in denial about it, really. wow. imagine if i woke up and all this was a dream. it would have to be the most fucked up dream ever dreamt. i mean seriously, though. a tiny slip in time, which i didn't manage to save, and now everyone has kids. too bad i can't have any, huh night