i'm slowly trying to get grips with this plan. so over drama. so missing, but ohwell. tough luck for me. so hot. and beer cold= good. but too hot. million and one things going through my head. quantity surveying, just go for it. only thing keeping me here is job. over people. just suck. and always looking for a way to pin me to shit. i feel like boarding school re-lived but not really. just people managing to find something wrong with me always. instead of the positive. like, look where i am: no drugs, hardly any drink, no rock n roll, no sex. i could be more perfect, meet your standards. but i just don't want to. let me make my own decisions, i'm a big girl now. you've all done all you can to fuck me up, and making me perfect is gonna ruin my path to re-building myself. you need to let me do this on my own, when i want. originally, i was meant to be here for a month, to see how things go. to be a bit more specific: to get away from axl. take a look from the outside in. and i've done that, i'm not going back down that path. i don't like it. put it down to life experience, i'm sure we've all had our fair share,etc, etc. now i am on my own. free. to do what i want. decisions, decisions. you don't know until you try. and if you don't try, you'll regret it more than if you didn't try. example: i liked axl, yes. i loved him, yes. and part of me will always be with him. i would not change things, for better or worse. i'd live this out, just as i have, carrying on. making my grooves in society. why? i learnt a fuckload. what words cannot possibly decribe. how to love, and lose and change. how to have everything and then have nothing. where my boundaries are. why i can't cross them. where i can, and which ones. i learnt that i haven't done all. infact, i haven't done much, and now i am able to. he tied me down from life, and kept in his drugged scene. I'M NO LONGER THERE. LIVING THAT. so. now who's tying me back? the want of approval. someone to say "you've come a long way, and i love you. i'm impressed. you're not perfect, but you're sure as fuck getting there. ma wont say that. of couse not. i'm not allowed to be anything less than perfect. because i was raised perfect, and i was. IT WAS MY CHOICE. AT THE END OF THE DAY, IF THIS WAS FATE, THIS WAS THE WAY IT HAD TO HAPPEN. -edit 2123 yeahnah, i wanna get married. i will someday. it'll be mad weird. doctors tomorrow. hm?