This is from a long time ago...i think it was june twentieth at six forty-five pm. we were in wisconsin on our way back from tennessee...and lonliness had just set in... "I think its finally hit me that i dont live in willmar. what a strange time to realize. its like 1801 and im in F_ing wisconsin on some road in the middle of F_ing nowhere. its been....seventeen days since school got out and its just now hitting me. i mean sure ive been with my best friend since like five days after school got out. i really really can not go back there. i miss everyone so much but i can not break down like this again. it will be better for me to be strong and never let anyone on on how much this hurts. i mean when i gave gramma and grampa green hugs yesterday as we left the reunion, i broke down kind of. KIND OF. I dujnno...who knows the next time WhenI'll see them i love themso much life sucks and then you die. thats my new motto but i mean how can life suck so bad when i have such a strong faith in God. I know i should have such a stronger belief. i mean its not like i dont trust him its just that im so lost in the middle of nowhere. everything i touch seems to turn horrible. it sucks. i ust have a horrible feeling that its all downhill from here. i mean i know one person. oh, count chelsea and stephen i know threee! wow! whoop de F_ing doo. still i mean i had so many good friends in willmar its just hard to see all that gone. well i know its not GONE but still its not HERE im never gonna make friends. ever. i can tell. ill be just the weird girl with black n pink hair..i dont just wanna be her. but im not gonna change just to make friends. i have too many morals to do that....Screw this. i want to move back. i feel like. like. like. ill never make friends. how i ever made friends in the first place has im strange. why would anyone want to be friends with me!?i mean!?!?im WEIRD. Im scared everyone in willmar will forget me. and i dunno. somehow when they say thyey wont i know they wont they say im the one in a better place wtih better people and..blah blah blah. im to the point of blowing my head off. its pretty damn angering. not like iill do anything drastic. cus i know that doesnt fix anything but still i mean i really want this to leave. i want to be back there. i think the toughest thing for me has been...dealing with everyone being at Jess's party. even though i was invited. i couldnt go because it was on the monday after we moved and Im so onely i hate this feeling. i wish we could all get... get...back to the way things were. i wish jenna hadnt run off with jake. not that i care its not like i can control either of them but still!i mean. i know its not like theyre "dating" or even "going out" but the KISSED. jebus. that sucks to admit. i mean what in her RIGHT MIND would make her do this to me?! Im sorry. ill get over myself. im so F_ing lost. i felt so important when i lived there. i had so many close friends (or so i thought) and i was kind of the "leader", unappoionted and unofficial, but i felt like when i breathed, they all did too. now i know thats certainly not the case. but I wanna leave this box ive trapped myslf in. i cant remmber here i cant remember why....i cant stand the pain ...i cant make it go away. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME! I feel like doubting thomas. im so self centered. DO NOT CRY DO NOT. im faded away. out of their minds, out of their lives. so many times people have informed me of how happy others will be when im gone and it'll finally be quiet. Im sorry i was so loud and made your lives all hell. i hope they get better now that the loud one is gone. i apologize for the numerous times ive pissed you off or hurt you. and im sorry for the times YOUVE pissed ME off and hurt ME. Im sorry i drew so much attention to you guys. im sorry thats really wht you wanted. im sorry all of you are so damn skinny and dont realize it. im sorry youre all so pretty And dont realize it im sorry youre all so smart and dont realize it. im sorry for everything.put all your problems on my back and ill die and takethem away. im sorry i cant do that. Hope for- -Friends -not be forgotten by willmar -leave a mark on the world.. but its true i do have to leave them all and find a dream and life of my own, many are leaders and some are followers . which am i? in many ways i am both.but i do need time to myself. not THREE YEARS. they are thinking about not letting me go on the mission trip, even though its the only trip ive totally earned all the money for it, and this is the first trip ive ever done that. with the exception of the seventy five dollar fee and carlee gave me 1999 for the ticket to the concert. but still they cant do that to me! i mean ive been looking forward to this FOREVER! and. i dunoo. i dont know! i have to go to sonshine. omg i cant miss it. id die. literally. i mean joanna and alana hadnt gone before and sooo many more people are going with us this year and if i didnt get to go, im positive id die. i would. i swear. all those mosh pits and stuff. c'mon! i just. i dunno. once again life sucks and then you die. that has to be the perfect motto for how i feel right now. geez,i wish i was only preparing myself for moving. i mean i dunno ....i have so many fdriends with parents i know close enough to be my own. i cant take it. i want to cry myself to sleep, then get up and ...well i dont want to wake up.i wonder if itd be better that i died. not on my own, suicide is never the anwser, but damn it feels like i could take it upon myself at the moment. my head hurts. oh, wow ive been typing for forty five minutes and still dont know how i feel. damn you jake lefever sending carlee a letter and making me think about life and stuff. I will say once again-Life sucks and then you die- but somehow it has to get better. why you ask? because it just does! FELIX. now we are here and i must bid you all adiu. adiu. Yep, so i canteven stand the thought of life being like this to ANYONE else. i mean i think it sucks to have to move here in the middle ofthe summer becuase i mean there is like nooppertunities to meet peopel and i mean i need people i need the drama i need...i need....welll maybe its more like i want but still. i mean STILL."