holding you to standards of my own devising is foolish and juveilile I know it. but it still makes me feel vacant when I realize you are my only confidant my fellow musketeer. after a night of laughing and jokes and smiles so big they hurt I can still retreat to a bitter shell because I realize you don’t get it.. you look so bright in comparison to the unattractive alternative. I have a love/hate relationship with lonliness. please, this once acknowledge the fact that i’m always behind you. let me know that you realize i’d never let you see my doubts. i’ve tired myself of blind faith when all I get in return is what you see as good natured ridicule. its exhausting. and even when I ready myself with foil and armor you’ll cast it aside with a hurt look and an incredulous comment. vindictive barbs thrown back at you fall flat. because I can resent you and need you with all my heart in the same breath. in some ways its just convienence but I know theres something more because of the way it hurts when you don’t rise to my standards.

I return to the entries in this journal every now and then. I wrote the bulk of them in a pretty tulmutuous point in my life, I suppose. The sheer mass of darkness and drama and emotive rambling sometimes suprises me. I can read through them and still conjure up the pain or the sadness or the helplessness I felt at that point. I can still read them and feel what I felt, and I can still make myself sad when I remember. But they also feel so inconsequential. I've managed to be in a place in my life now where I feel so much more in control. No, not in control, just.. content with my lot. I'm no longer dealing with the insane issues of the dating world "does he like me" "what is he thinking" "what did that mean" "what am I doing?"... I've found someone utterly wonderful, and have managed to stick with him-whole heartedly and ecstaticly- for almost a year. I feel like I have a comfortable direction in my life. I have a plan, but not a plan so rigid that I can't amend it when needed. I'm moving forward, and I'm immersed in doing things that I love. I've left certain things behind, that needed to be put into the past. Its not perfect, but life never is. Hell, perfection would be boring. Nothing left to strive for. But no matter what, he's by my side. I've found a my complimentary half... *pause for geeky joke* I've found the Adenine to my Thymine.... I know, I know... I'm rambling, and I'm being gross, and this is the point where Anna would hit me... but I only seem to write these entries when I'm in the dark place, or something bad has happened. I'm putting this out here for some balance. Unfortunately, I write much more eloquently when I'm pouring my tortured soul out into the annals of the interwebs...

i had forgotten i even had this diary. so i am writing in it... just to sort of re-link myself to it. ta da!

so, i've gotten used to dealing with feeling like shit when its just a random mood effect. when all of a sudden i'm all depressed or upset and i know i'll get over it. its something i can deal with when i comes from within, because then i know just how to fight it. but what i'm wholly unprepared for, and really taken aback by is when there are actual real life reasons for me to be really sad and angry and depressed. when these emotions are honest to goodness products of real life situations. my mom is an alcoholic. my parents might be splitting up. the girl that i thought was my best friend started to drift apart from me, and finally just stop being my friend, and now she makes me so angry, and i really don't like her. a great friendship, that just.......died. and is still going through its death throws. the other problem. that i have not dealt with yet. my growing anger at the tin ceiling people ignoring my input despite all the work i've put in. the frustration of the feelings i have for jason, and having to watch him be with leah. so with all these things, i really have started to hate almost everyone. i have been seeing the worst of people. and wanted to distance myself the most from them. at least i have anna. i don't know what i'd do with out her. she has been the one person i've been able to stay close to. she doesn't demand. we can just be friends. and talk when its necessary. but we never push one another. its good. i've been cutting myself off from most people. i dont' feel they deserve to have my open up. i swear to god, if eliz makes jason fall in love with her, i'll kill her. i couldn't bear that. everyone loves her understandably. they don't know whats transpired. it wouldn't mean anything to them if they did. she is great. unless you've gone through what i have. unless you've been what i have. nothing makes sense. but maybe i'm supposed to be here. here now. the way things ought to be?

so its been awhile since i've written a real diary entry. i got myself a lj, and i've been sort of writing in that, but since more people i know can read it, i've not really written much important stuff in it. goddamn. so i've been suffering from these really awful headaches lately. they don't seem to be connected to much. however, i usually feel emotionally pretty shitty around them. so i'm not sure if maybe the headaches are causing the feeling, or if the feeling is causing the headaches. either way, they are really driving me nuts. i hurt so much right now, and i've taken ibruprofen and everything. jesus fuck christ. i'm turning into mackie more and more. speaking of whom.... i'm talking to him again. thats wierd. he has a g/f now. also wierd. i had a sort of conversation with him tonight, where i think i was invited out with him and some folks for his friend's birthday. but i'm really not in the mood for hanging out with people i don't know. and the only person i would know, that i'd ordinarily cling to, would have his g/f there, and that'd just be... i dont know, but i don't want to deal with it. i've become such a social recluse lately. i just haven't felt like dealing with people. anna and eliz i've been seeing, but sometimes its even hard to have myself see eliz. anna is easy. we are good with not pushing one another. which is good. andy has been being a total fuck lately. and he's still so hung up on me, and its coming out in odd and unsavory ways. yet another thing i just don't want to deal with. i'm just feeling so lost, again. not even lonely. but if i wanted to start thinking about that, there are two guys in my life right now. and both of them are great and terrible at the same time. they both live very far away. so they are only pseudo-in my life. paul is a cartoonist in seattle that i very much love talking to. he's really great, and i think he may be falling in love with me. he visits in september. which will be fun. adam... is.. adam... who i've been friends with for so long. he lives in arkansas, and i jokingly (sort of) refer to him as my soul mate. he is just...wonderful. and we get along ridiculously well. he just wrote me a letter the other day, professing his feelings for me, that i had not really suspected. i've always felt pretty strongly towards him. not only is he far away though, but he's in a relationship. but one day. one day. we both hope for that one day. i just don't know. eliz is all bipolar and not dealing well. and as much as i really want to be strong for her, and help... i just can't bear the strain myself. i'm teetering as it is, and i don't have the strength left. goddamit. my head hurts soo badly right now. i can hardly concentrate on anything but the pain. and its emotional counterpart. fuck.

for the longest time, i've held to one belief. or rather non-believe. i don't believe in regret. sure the feeling is kind of unavoidable, i mean, thats where learning from your mistakes comes in. but i don't believe in dwelling on it. "what if" is the stupidest question you can ever ask yourself when thinking about the past. if you honestly could go back and change something in your past, it would change everything that occured after that. everything would be affected, and somehow changed. so i don't like indulging that notion. right now, things aren't that bad, but i don't like the way all the different aspects in my life are going. right now, for the first time in my life, i want nothing more than to be able to go a couple months back and make some different choices. sure, some great things have happened, but nothing so wonderful and unique that i'd be devastated if things happened differently. i want a do over. i want a roll again. i don't like this. and i dont like indulging this either. it scares me. NEVER before has it seemed like a good idea. never before have i felt that i couldn't right the path from where i was standing. i just don't know.

i like a boy. i hope he maintains his level of great.

as my subject line says, call me. no really. it'd be really awesome if someone random did. ============================================= attention is no subsitute for emotion. last night, i had prom. it was really wonderful. i can safely say, that i looked positively smashing. my vintage dress was really gorgeous, and i was really feeling beautiful. since i was going to my old school's prom, i got to see so many people that i really missed, and everyone looked sooooooo beautiful. it was an overload of hotness. Priscilla and Alex won prom king and queen. this made me incredably happy. i was smiling all night. beaming. i had a great time dancing with people, talking to people, looking good. i got to slow dance with Tom Morgan!!!! i had fun teasing sean and vincent. i miss that. but i was having a great time, just dancing with whoever i wanted, being the little vixen teasing the boys, and whatnot... and then at one point i was dancing alone. still all good, and alex said something that resonated a little more than i think he meant it to. he said something about how i was flirting and all over the place all night, and at the end of the night i was alone. i really don't think he meant it as any more than a joke, but god... it was so true. its so true for so much of my life. it was then that i started to really notice all the people out on the balcony, and dancing together, and kissing, and having their perfect prom teenage moments. i like flirting i do. i like the attention, i like the power, i like all that. but, when it comes down to it, i've mainted a pretty lonely lifestyle. and all that surface stuff doesn't really make up for it. it passes the time. makes things fun. but just fleeting. and that makes me sad.

yeah, so i'm really awake right now. but i have hella hella work to make up and a monologue to memorize TONIGHT so i guess its a bonus. things have been uber wiggity wack as of late. yes, yes, i said "uber wiggity wack" you wanna make something of it? step. ** ROBOT PIRATE NINJA ZOMBIES WILL OWN YOU! ** alllllllright. yeah, so i went to the 48 hour film fest this week. there were alot of pretty cool pieces, though the laziness in regards to production values continues to piss me off. the one i was in was among the best, so that was exciting. i can honestly say i wasn't expecting that. another wonderful thing was that i knew at least one person per film. thats always fun. there were a bunch of smokin' hotties in them too. yee haw. aww damns. Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah just came on. this song makes me want to die. in a good way. its so delicious. so andy byrd pulled a "Misdirection" on me at the film fest. it was straight out of the play. me being lil' anna, and eliz being lil' me, the set up was even perfect. i must say, i was amused. thats really the only reason i let it happen. silly me and my penchant for causing drama for my own entertainment. shit, son. i got my first platter finished today. all glazed and whatnot. may i say-- BADASS. i am awesome. can't wait to see the rest of the series. my photo porfolio show is tomorrow night. so is prom. i get to be allllllll dolled up. my outfit, is really. really. really. really (ad infinitum) AMAZING. i love having a reason to play dress up. mackie might come to the show. it might be the last time i see him before he goes to tokyo. i hope he comes. i really do. byrd is planning on attending that could be interesting. or silly. or both. probably both. i need a bubbulah. i need a snookums. i need a darling. and i need a sweetie. dear dream guy... call me! 314 398 2143 oh hell, who am i kidding... if you = awesome, call me. i love getting random calls. entertain me. do it. do it NOW.

i'm in one of those moods. again. yeah. big surprise. i'm just feeling low. nice weather out. its getting to that time of year, where cool summer nights make my skin feel delicious and my mind feel ill at ease. i'm lonely. i ran into jim (conformist) at work tonight. i will always have a crush on him. i have since i was 15. and i know, i will never have him. its so frustrating. and then theres the guy from the movie shoot, that was soooo hot. and so cowboy. and so great. but. so. 30. god.damn. i'm such a dork too. i wrote a little poem about our interplay. He hadn't slept in a while and didn't care i was 18 walking around cherokee street -shoeless i lent them to some other actress and ended up in his cowboy boots, twice the size of my feet- impossible to walk. his other hat plopped down over my eyes, i "howdy ma'amed" to the camera. barefoot again, i turned to leave quickly he held me close and called me "doll"

grrrr... being friends with eliz is so detrimental to my ego. so the kid that we've both been talking to for the last couple of days, who i have had a big crush on, just decided to reveal to me how he has a big ol' stupid crush on her. but he still thinks i'm great. yeah. not great enough. fuck that. i'm not suprised, it was only a matter of time. they always have a crush on her, and they always want to tell me about it. and the city museum guy, who i've had a thing for for such a long time, is totally in to her, and only includes me in compliments so as not to really really really blatantly hit on her. god, i'm so disgusted with myself. my appearence lately has made me want to cover all of my mirrors. my sanity lately has been so on the fritz. my personality doesn't even satisfy me these days. the only thing that makes me feel like i can redeem myself is my capacity to create. photo, ceramics, writing... these are the things that give me some feeling of worth. some reason to continue.

oh my god. on a happy note, cory finally responded, and now i know he's not dead. this is good. HOWEVER..........he's living with sharon! they are together. lkjfaldskjf she...him....AUGHGHH. he's going to be going back to australia with her. i can't fucking believe it. i'm glad he found someone.......BUT WHY GOD DID IT HAVE TO BE SHARON!???? of all the fucking people on this earth....... i just don't know what to feel.

kissing. oy. wtf.

ok. so i'm seriously freaking out about this andy dealie. i don't wanna feel this way. i'm so confused about how i feel. all i know is that its really really really WRONG. no. it just. agha.dfkjal. i'm not even really attracted to him, he still kinda repulses me. but intrigues me? ugh. part of me is so curious. to see if this is just a wierd ass side effect of something else, or if its rooted in something real. the constant fantasies that invade my concious are really really UNSETTLING. good. god. what. the. fuck. this is so wierd. i just hope something stupid doesn't come out of this. i like him. yet i really don't. and this is just really freaking me out. i didn't need this on top of everything else. *** i hope eliz doesn't get committed. i really love that kid. i want her to be alright.

oh jesus christ......i'm losing it so much. not only have i been really depressed this weekend, but other things are going nuts too. i've cut up my arm and shoulder and hand and stuff. ugh. i'm pissed off at one of my best friends, and pissed off a few other people. but worst of all i think i have a crush on Andy. i swore to myself this would NEVER happen. we almost kissed several times tonight. oh god. what the fuck.

things are weird. i've been so up down lately. people have been both making me deliriously happy, and miserably sad. sometimes its the same people doing both. i just am really lost. i feel like i've lost part of myself, or just a connection to something. i don't know. it rained today. usually that makes me wonderfully glad. not today. i cried a little. it came out of nowhere really. hold me. its just you and me as the stars fall down tonight.

i really don't update much anymore. so much goes on. so much has transpired. hard to keep up. hard to relive. my life is a ridiculous unbalance of agony and ecstasy. and not all by my hand. out of balance. out of time. spinning. too much. things keep getting fucked up. i am losing sense of self. of worth. of direction. i need something. someone. to ground me. be my kite string?

fuck. fuck. fuck. ok, i haven't updated in a while, because i wrote a really long entry filling in all that has happened about a week ago, and it got deleted somehow. so i got pissed and didn't try to rewrite it. but anyway. i finally cleared up the whole mackie fiasco.... and got myself into another situation. i was at a party. don was there. we were both very very intoxicated. i don't really resist situations when intoxicated. made out with don. ordinarily this would be no big deal at all. however. the funny thing about don, is that one of my best friends is in love with him. there are quite a few more details that make this situation even more complicated, and things that could justify either side. but right now, i hate myself. alot.

OH MY GOD. i was at hollywood video out in kirkwood with mackie to get a movie and there was this really HOT HOT HOT boy in line behind us and i couldn't stop staring and i thought that maybe he was adam...the internet boy i'm in love with but then i thought.noooo couldn't be, and then i got home and asked him and it was him, dammit!

i'm so fucking pissed off right now. i actually had a really great night up until a couple hours ago. currently, i'm fucking drunk. and angry. i hung out with mackie and we got the remainder of her bday presents. we had fun hanging out and then went to his house, then anna showed up and we all were having a great bonding session exchanging presents, and there was so much happiness. then i called my parents, because i decided i would be a good kid and tell them where i was. they freaked the fuck out, because it was mackie mainly. so i got into a huge fight. then we proceeded to get really fucking drunk before my dad came to pick me up. we had so much fun, and there was so much love and happiness. then my dad came, and in the car, i proceeded to ream him for being a jackass and reminded him of the fact of my leaving really fucking soon. then i got home and got into a screaming match which woke up my mom and brought her into the conversation. first of off they both realized i was intoxicated, which i whole heartedly denied. god i'm so angry. we got into the longest conversation, where i was probably the most passionate i've ever been with them, and so angry... i'm not sure if any of my points got through, mostly they got really pissed at me, so i don't know. i'm just so shaking and livid right now, i'm not sure how to deal. ALKjflkajsd;ofiujOI!!!!!!!!!!