so i'm sitting here after having had a pretty good evening, feeling pretty low. i worked tonight, which was good, i made good money, saw alot of people etc. i even stuck around after this time to catch the band. i got hit on by an Adult Movie Producer, which was truly choice. as i'm sitting at the bar, bullshittin with some people, my friend Jason walks in! i haven't seen jason in quite awhile, and he's really great. so i end up hanging out with him and some of his friends at the diner. everytime i see jason, i get really sad. don't get me wrong. i like jason, i really adore him. he's one of the sweetest, most awesome people i know. but thats why it makes me sad. everytime i run into him these days, he puts a huge grin on my face, and i just feel so lucky to know him. but then, on the inside i'm filled with regret and tears. I had a chance to be with that boy once. i totally blew it. we dated for a little while, and i couldn't be satisfied with the absolute treasure i had before me. i still had a crush on my absolute goal guy, and i guess i was too insecure to be happy with jason. so i ended it. i ended my one chance with the smartest, sweetest, most amazing guy. a little while later, dream guy and his girlfriend break up. guess who gets the dream guy! me. yeah. for 2 months. 2 months of bliss. then he breaks my heart. dashes it. meanwhile, dream guy's ex girlfriend hooks up with jason. that one lasted. they are still together in fact. and happy. i, have no one. i can't completely regret my decision to end it with jason, because then i never would have made it with dream guy. even though he broke my heart, those two months were so wonderful, i'd never give them up. but i kinda resent the fact that jason and leah get to be happy. why in that break up should that rebound work out, but dream guy and mine not have. so everytime i see jason, i just think about how i wish things had worked out. how i know i would have been happy. how i know things would have been great between us. and how it both hurts me and makes me happy for him that things have worked out in his favor for once. god knows the guy deserves it and far be it for me to begrudge him that. but it still breaks my heart. i had my chance, and i will never have it again. i'm fairly sure of that. because even if he wasn't with leah, i've hurt him once, so what right do i have to deserve a second chance. damn my luck. i don't know if i bring it on myself or if i'm a magnet for it. i know i bring alot of it on myself, but sometimes things seem enough out of my hands that theres some higher power that enjoys kicking my ass. i may even be getting to melodramatic about it again. i have a tendency to do that. but the fact remains that i'm sitting here feelin alone. that, i'm used to. but this is alone accompanied by reminescing and regret. now that is a dangerous combination. one best accompanied by alcohol.