well i feel absolutely fucking terrible right now. i've been thinking an awful lot lately. just taking stock of...everything really. today marked one year to the day of my first date with schmack. 2003 was a very eventful and life changing year for me, and that was really one of the first events to kick off that trend. This really isn't me being obsessive or still hung up on him. There is a little of that melancholy attatched to it more specifically i suppose. I was so deliriously happy at this time one year ago. To the point of tears flowing out of pure joy, and never having felt so ridiculously accomplished and exuberant. And now... I'm alone, and terrifed because of something Mark said last night. "You are afraid of being happy". I vehemenently denied this of course, adn I still am quite resentful of the idea, but a little part of me is really bothered - scared- that he's right. Last night Mark kept trying to hook me up with people. at first I thought he was fucking with me, but then he said he just wanted to see me happy- and i believe him. Trouble is I don't do well with someone trying to hook me up with people, it makes me awkward and very uncomfortable. But he did this about four times during the course of the evening. I just dont' know. I don't think I"m afraid of being happy, that would be stupid right? I've been happy before, and it was fucking great. I"d love to feel that way again. Right now I really would like to be with someone. I want someone baly, but... I don't know what I want. The Mark situation isn't bothereing me AS much anymore. That stunt he pulled on me at Anna's Red Roof Inn party threw me a little bit, and still has me a bit off kilter, but I"m not too desperate about it all anymore. maybe its more an apathy thing more than a resolved thing. Its really driving me nuts that i want something SO MUCH... and not know what that something is. * * * I've been writing in this little notebook i carry around these days. and i wrote something the other night. when i was feeling really shitty. HELP ME. I'm drowning again. I'm drowning in nothing. I feel sad.. but empty. Everytime I assess all the things that are wrong. That are bothering me, I realize all I want to do is push them down and just pretend they aren't there. I"d run, but I don't have the energy or direction. I feel like giving up. giving up on pursuing...anything. There is a dark cloud hanging over everyone it seems. So much pain, so much discontentment. It just doesn't feel right. It hardly feels at all. I keep cutting my hand. I had done it before, but that was in a vindictive spirit. THis now... is just the pain gives me a feeling to concentrate on. The blood a colorful reassurence of existance. There are just so many things I"ve been thinking about lately. I miss people. I miss situations. I'm angry at people hurting others. I'm scared. There are all feelings, i know, but right now, my neutral state is one of nothingingness, and the rare pangs of something else are all negative. Confusion, anger, fear, lonliness. Mark is confusing the hell out of me. My mom drinks too much. The anniversary of my first date with Schmack is coming up. Mackie is in a bad plaec still and I miss him. I don't really have any shoulders to cry on. I'm afraid of people dying. Anna is losing so much. I'm not close to my bestfriend anymore. I'm really alone. I'm scared my college plans won't work out and i'm loisng confidence in myself. I'm starting to let apathy take over. I'm finding it way too easy to throw my hands up in the air, tears in my eyes adn exasperatedly cry out "OK... i just don't fucking CARE!". drowning.