dammit. i'm fucking crying right now. why do i always fall for the people that put me in miserable situations. i love mark. dammit i really do. and i can't make this just go away. i've reasoned, i've weighed options, i've tried to convince myself out of it. but no. so tonight. eliz and i went to a concert at the creepy crawl. since it was this crazy band Peelander Z that byron had gone with me to before and really liked, i decided i'd call him and tell him about it. i couldn't get through to him, so i decided i'd call mark and see if he knew how to get ahold of him, and in the process i could ask mark to come along too. so mark ends up meeting us there, byron doesn't come, so i was really surprised that mark felt like showing up, it wasn't really his scene. so that was fun. hanging out with him is always great. i love his company so much. so eliz was occupied by waiting for her boy-crush-guy to show, and also this other really gorgeous guy was flirting with her. so that was cool too. mark was flirting with her it seemed too, but i wasn't bothered at all, because i was oh-so-sure it was just him being mark, and didn't mean anything by it. well, after the show, eliz went home, and i sojourned on to the coffeehouse with mark. during this drive he mentions something about how he really does have a crush on eliz. but "knows better than to let that develop, and let him get stupid like he did with me." jigga what? yeah. so i try to get more out of him later, and realize that yeah, well of course i'm jealous. and i still want to know whats wrong with me. and et cetera et cetera. byron and laura kept hanging around so i couldn't talk to him as much as i wanted to, but i did a little. i also couldn't help but have all this sadness and emotion play out on my face, which i'm usually so good at controlling. so he tells me a couple things that made me really mad, and feel really shitty about this situation. that if anything was to happen between us, to make sure it was real, it has to develop. so we have to just wait. waiting is all well and good, but then think of the time spent until then. thats when i'm gonna be sad. thats when i'm gonna be lonely. i'd really like to be with someone. someone to do stupid little romantic devoted things for. someone to hold me. someone to feel loved by. something. i don't know. and sure, i could date around like i usually do til he comes to his senses, or i snap out of it or something. but i've been trying that kind of. and it only kinda half assedly works. because i can't stop thinking of him. seriously. its pathetic. and then..then he fucking tells me that the only difference between a really good friend and a lover is fucking. i don't agree. at all. for example. the other night, he went outside to find signal on his phone, and it was really cold out, and part of me wanted so badly to run after him with his coat and say "here sweetie, its cold". just dumb little stuff like that. and one could attribute this stuff to me being the girlie and him being the man, but the situation is usually not liek that at all. i'm the one that goes around with the love em' and leave em' attitude, usually wanting sexual relationships more than anything, and he's the one thats all about emotion and commitment. i can't help running all these scenarios about me actually being together with him would be like. sweet things i could say. being held. being part of him. him part of me. being that close, that devoted. god it sounds good. and this waiting thing. i told him. if things go right for me, i should be in toronto by september. for film school. thats far far away. so he tells me that he'll be around when i come back. i say, maybe i'm never coming back. so he tells me then he could come to me. i dont' wanna wait that long! my heart is bursting here, and its not the happy pure blissful love that i broke my heart on once before. this one is cutting me deep because its in a stupid situation where it does me no good. its just festering and making me feel like shit. and no matter what, i would never want to stop being his friend. he's too amazing, too smart, too interesting, such good company... all of that, i'd never want to lose. so as heartwrenching as it may be on the one hand to be around him, i want nothing more than that. i'd also like to tell him how seriously i felt about this. he still considers it just a crush. but first of all i don't want to make this more awkward for (me... him.. i dunno) and also he doesn't handle confessions like that well. i don't know what to do. i'm upset. i'm lonely. but my life is good. so that keeps me going. and it almost feels good to feel this strongly about someone again, cuz its been quite awhile. since Schmack. but this hurts so sharply. i'm lost.