as usual, i'm transferring this from my notebook that i've been writing in at the KaffeeHaus. * * * Things are finally feeling a little better than they were. I'm not feeling as much general despiration. I've regained a comfortable sense of self. time after time, its that which keeps me holding on to all of this. Its kind of nice knowing i can finally be there for Mackie the way I always wanted to be. We've always had the capacity to be really great friends. THe only thing that was every standing in the way of that was him being in love with me. I hope this continues to blossom the way its going. Rob told me last night that he finds it hard to believe people aren't lining up at my door falling for me. As much as I protested, its good to hear someone gush over my merits. He also told me he disapproved of some of the people I was interested in. I, of course, asked who, but i knew the answer. Mark. In some ways I disapprove too, i suppose. Its not doing me any good now, nor would it if things "worked out". But arguing sense with my heart was never very productive. When I'm walking here from work, and I glance over to the Jay parking lot to see if his van is there, it always brings mixed emotion with it. Part of me is always glad, and part of me is... something else. I like being an observer. I used to be better at it, but these days I find myself getting drawn into the frame more and more. I guess thats why iwant to make movies, you know? Setting up each scene making it go as it should, adding drama where its most effective, and still being part of it without being in it. God complex anyone?