ok. so tonight confused the hell out of me... and i actually think things might be ok... last night was awful. wretched. horrendous. gut wrenchingly awful. i was paranoid about eliz and mark. which was dumb. i was all freaky weird around him when i finally got to the coffeehouse, and was really awkward and apparently offended him. then he got to be flirty flirty, and i was like... ok i can do this. and then eliz was flirting with byron, which pissed mark off. so when we came back to the coffeehouse, i apparently said some shit that somehow pissed mark off, so he got all mad at me, and i was really distressed because he was mad. then he started pulling some really childish shit on me, and i was really thrown off. well, when i got home, i ended up talking to him online for several hours to hear him tell me that the best thing to do in this situation where(i love him- he doesn't feel the same, and he has a thing for eliz, and she doesn't feel for him) is to cut off all contact with us. namely me. so i was friend-dumped. i was soooo devestated. also this was the THIRD TIME in ONE FUCKING YEAR that someone i cared about really deeply told me that their life would be better off without me. so i was terribly upset. didn't sleep all night. still haven't slept. and felt uber shitty all day. so i get off work tonight and i head up to the coffeehouse, with book and music so i can respect his wishes and not interact with him, and i sit down, and he's there, so i'm shaking and trying not to cry, and generally freaking out. and then he comes over and is like... you can sit with me if you like. so i go over there...kind of wary, because i thought he wanted nothing to do with me... and then he starts telling me how he is a horrible person, and will hurt me, and will like it, because he is evil blah blah blah. and how mimi once told him he was like a beautiful sculpture made of broken glass. beautiful and shiny so you want to touch it, but you only get cut. so i kept telling him that i was really stubborn and he wasn't going to make me go away that easily. and then he started saying stuff how he could get really mean if he wanted to, and how it was almost exciting when you are about to hurt someone you care about. then some other people showed up, and he talked to them for awhile, and then left to go get videos with jeremy and laura. when he came back, he sat down with me, and conversed, then invited me to go watch movies with them up at laz's. so i'm just like... "uh... do you want me to come?" then he tells me "if i didn't, i wouldn't have invited you". so i'm halfway like YAY and halfway really really confused. and so we go up to laz's and watch Pitch Black, which is a good movie, and Mark is being really nice to me, and has this pint of ice cream, and keeps feeding it to me... on a side note, i find out that Laura hates Eliz. (i think because she was flirting with Byron) and apparently Jane hates me. but.... when she said some shit about me to Mark, he defended me by saying shit about her... so obviously he cares. i'm just afraid that he feels like he has to do some grandstanding asshole thing, so i'm a little on guard even though he seems to have decided to be my friend. so i don't know. i go from being convinced i've lost one of my closest friends, and feeling cold lost empty wretched... to now having him treat me like a friend again, which is what i really want, but i'm a little wary that he may be setting me up or something. either way, i'm really happy that its not as dire as last night made it seem to be. so we shall see. the plot thickens. and i'm really tired. and confused. and my hand hurts from the cuts. mreow.