so its been awhile since i've written a real diary entry. i got myself a lj, and i've been sort of writing in that, but since more people i know can read it, i've not really written much important stuff in it. goddamn. so i've been suffering from these really awful headaches lately. they don't seem to be connected to much. however, i usually feel emotionally pretty shitty around them. so i'm not sure if maybe the headaches are causing the feeling, or if the feeling is causing the headaches. either way, they are really driving me nuts. i hurt so much right now, and i've taken ibruprofen and everything. jesus fuck christ. i'm turning into mackie more and more. speaking of whom.... i'm talking to him again. thats wierd. he has a g/f now. also wierd. i had a sort of conversation with him tonight, where i think i was invited out with him and some folks for his friend's birthday. but i'm really not in the mood for hanging out with people i don't know. and the only person i would know, that i'd ordinarily cling to, would have his g/f there, and that'd just be... i dont know, but i don't want to deal with it. i've become such a social recluse lately. i just haven't felt like dealing with people. anna and eliz i've been seeing, but sometimes its even hard to have myself see eliz. anna is easy. we are good with not pushing one another. which is good. andy has been being a total fuck lately. and he's still so hung up on me, and its coming out in odd and unsavory ways. yet another thing i just don't want to deal with. i'm just feeling so lost, again. not even lonely. but if i wanted to start thinking about that, there are two guys in my life right now. and both of them are great and terrible at the same time. they both live very far away. so they are only pseudo-in my life. paul is a cartoonist in seattle that i very much love talking to. he's really great, and i think he may be falling in love with me. he visits in september. which will be fun. adam... is.. adam... who i've been friends with for so long. he lives in arkansas, and i jokingly (sort of) refer to him as my soul mate. he is just...wonderful. and we get along ridiculously well. he just wrote me a letter the other day, professing his feelings for me, that i had not really suspected. i've always felt pretty strongly towards him. not only is he far away though, but he's in a relationship. but one day. one day. we both hope for that one day. i just don't know. eliz is all bipolar and not dealing well. and as much as i really want to be strong for her, and help... i just can't bear the strain myself. i'm teetering as it is, and i don't have the strength left. goddamit. my head hurts soo badly right now. i can hardly concentrate on anything but the pain. and its emotional counterpart. fuck.