so, i've gotten used to dealing with feeling like shit when its just a random mood effect. when all of a sudden i'm all depressed or upset and i know i'll get over it. its something i can deal with when i comes from within, because then i know just how to fight it. but what i'm wholly unprepared for, and really taken aback by is when there are actual real life reasons for me to be really sad and angry and depressed. when these emotions are honest to goodness products of real life situations. my mom is an alcoholic. my parents might be splitting up. the girl that i thought was my best friend started to drift apart from me, and finally just stop being my friend, and now she makes me so angry, and i really don't like her. a great friendship, that just.......died. and is still going through its death throws. the other problem. that i have not dealt with yet. my growing anger at the tin ceiling people ignoring my input despite all the work i've put in. the frustration of the feelings i have for jason, and having to watch him be with leah. so with all these things, i really have started to hate almost everyone. i have been seeing the worst of people. and wanted to distance myself the most from them. at least i have anna. i don't know what i'd do with out her. she has been the one person i've been able to stay close to. she doesn't demand. we can just be friends. and talk when its necessary. but we never push one another. its good. i've been cutting myself off from most people. i dont' feel they deserve to have my open up. i swear to god, if eliz makes jason fall in love with her, i'll kill her. i couldn't bear that. everyone loves her understandably. they don't know whats transpired. it wouldn't mean anything to them if they did. she is great. unless you've gone through what i have. unless you've been what i have. nothing makes sense. but maybe i'm supposed to be here. here now. the way things ought to be?