THERES SOMETHING FUNNY AT THE BOTTOM! SKIP THE IRRELEVANCY! i think that my grandmothers appointment was today. im interested to find out what the doctor says, because i had this growing theory that she was making up the hearing voices just so that my dad would take her places and buy her things, which was apparently ok because he saw her get beaten by his dad when he was little and that changes things now or something. he saw that, but he doesnt see anything anymore. he doesnt see the way his mom acts. my mom and him never talk while shes there, except for my mom to tell him what his mom is doing and how rude it is, and him telling her she needs to be more caring, stop being so bitchy, and force me and my brother to be more caring too. oh well. life is what it is, and i shall make the best of it. with a smile, of course books to read while on vacation: odyssey and do rest of packet red dragon hannibal jaws insomnia by stephen king the talisman by stephen king and i dont remember who else and dracula, which im thinking about leaving there, because all these books are going to be way heavy. skip this part if you dont want to read something long and irrelevant _____________________________________ i really need to start trying to live more. i see my grandma, in her adult diapers (with clothes over them, of course...[shudders]) walking around, having to smoke every five minutes and drinking a case of diet coke a day, and nothing she says is intelligible because her voice has become scratchy from an entire life of smoking too much. i see her, the highlight of her day is to count out her pills, which she doesnt even know what they do, but there are bottles and bottles of them, and she probably takes over twenty a day. i see her, and i know i dont want to end up like that, at only 69. and i wonder if she has things she wished she had done, and i know she has, because once, she came in here while i was talking to people online, and she sat down and watched me, like she often does (drives me crazy!!) and she asked me if i had a boyfriend. i told her no. at the time i think me and nathan had broken up less than a month before, and i probably told her that. but anyway... she told me how when she was in highschool, she was engaged. and something happened, i dont remember what, i think he was dating someone else while they were engaged, and so she broke it off, or he broke it off, and then ended up with my grandpa, and they enjoyed being married by ignoring their children and being alcoholics, and him beating her, and then divorcing her when they were 30 or 40 because she was hearing voices and seeing messages on pennies. _________________________________________ ok. well then. its gotten much too hot here. the heat doesnt bother me as much as the humidity. i can't have my window open anymore, and i never go outside except at night. and that bothers me. oops, that was irrelevant too. oh well. sorry. maybe ill add more later. for now, i will continue writing the unnamed book, that i dont know what its about because i dont know where its going. just add it a little at a time. i finally got myself to write some more yesterday. but i know its not going to be a satisfying piece of writing, to me at least. because i wanted something that would move people, something that asked the questions that we all want to know the answers to, something that made people think, something that made people angry at the world, or look at their own lives and realize how good they have it after all. and it seems like some stupid middle school novel. i dont think ill show it to anyone unless it ends up something good. it would be too embaressing, haha. oooh, lightning. i am so outside. ill add more later. i love summer storms. and theres a breeze now too, i love it. oh wow, the rainy day song. funny thing: my neighbor thinks my mom and the crazy guy that lives on our street are having an affair. this is probably only funny to those who have been to my house, and seen his ways. like when he was saying good morning to me like he was a ventriloquist dummy, or when he told my dad they were talking about martians on the news, or when jesse and katie and a few other people were ringing peoples doorbells 'trick or treating' the night after halloween for fun, and he told them he was a police officer and a bunch of stuff, and had them scared to death. he finds the strangest things to talk about. and i admit, he flirts with my mom a lot. but she would never cheat on my dad, and that guy just wants attention. ____________________________________ .

i sound like a fucking retatarted stalker immature little girl. somebody smack me. party info below opinions? ideas? this song used to be my favorite, in the beginning of the school year. i did many an all nighter with this song as my companion. my selection of music is extremely limited since windows media player AND launchcast radio plus no longer work for me for some reason. damn viruses. i never listen at all... well how do you know? i even love how this is a downloaded version from before my dad freaked out and got rid of all that stuff, and it has a little defect near the end that sounds like a gurgle from a bathtub, or someone going "mreleh" very quickly.

so, there are two guys. SORT OF. i will never tell anyone. it doesnt matter anyway...it is only a dream. i have a right to dream, you know. we shall call them shadow and friend. shadow follows her around, wishing he could hold her in his arms. everyone can see it in his eyes. it isnt hard. so, he follows her, and i walk in front of them and watch them with my imagination. it isnt hard, its the same thing every time. but he isnt her type...she only lets herself fall for those who will hurt her. the ones that enjoy raping her feelings. he isnt really, i dont think. its a psychological thing that shows how much i envy her. shows that i would give much to have what follows in her shadow hand in hand with me. for one of the admirers of the perfect to want me instead. friend. yes, he is a friend. but not of who you think. he definitely isnt a friend of ME. he watches us and he and i meet eyes every day when i sit down. he looks amused. i feel like some animal in a cage. and he just gives me that amused look until i tire of it and look away. not a very long time, usually. the friend's dark eyes watch. i dont know how much, because i look away always. dark eyes like a wolf's eyes. shadow and friend. the end. well. the best part of breakin up is findin someone else you can't get enough of. or so they say. ________________________________________ quote of the day "Well fuck them, and fuck her, and fuck him, and fuck you, for not having the strength in your heart to pull through." -staind "waste" i dont know why i like that. but i do. i want more quotes that i like. ill have a quote of the day from now on unless im feeling lazy. ______________________________________ she approves. it has grown. it needed that.

Actually, just shards from an antique hand mirror my great aunt gave to me, that has a pretty rose on the back of it. I think the one on my foot might be getting infected, it has purple around it. joy. accidently, of course. just found them a few days ago. maybe i sleep deeper than i thought. I will pay someone 5 dollars to beat the crap out of me. I'll just lay there, I won't fight back. Any takers? I guess no one can be charged with assault, since i will pay you. I need someone to make me cry, I need to let things out, I just need to cry. __________________________________ I'm losing my voice. not the one i talk with, the one that sang the i hope you dance solo last year, the one everyone said was pretty...

The sense of meaning is so warped in today's world. b/c u kno, like, shopping has more meaning than, like, ppl dying. like, whoa, im kewl, LOL. Everyone wake up from candyland. If for nothing else, care because you or someone you care about could be next. The people dying on the news is a constant these days. The nightly news is a whirring hum in the background noise of dinner. It blends in with everything else, with the so how was school have you done your homework yet. Just another opposite, just another regret, just another problem with today's society. [this entry is not directed towards anyone that knows me, just so you know. if you would like to know who it is towards, just ask.] _________________________________________ I am now fully convinced of my brother's shallow and ignorant beliefs. I showed him an entry that has a lot of meaning, and read it to him. I asked him his thoughts. He replied with "that's stupid." I asked why. He said "It just is. The end is really stupid." I said "I think you think it is stupid becuase you don't understand it." He said, "So? Tell that person that their basketball team sucks." I said "Brett, you know, there is more to life than sports for a lot of people in the world. I doubt they care." He said "Is that person a druggie?" I got pissed off and said "You are so stupid. You think anyone that is not concerned with sports or labels is a druggie." He stormed off, and it is now set in my mind that he may possess some intelligence, but he is not deep at all, and he has marginal understanding and openmindedness.

I really hope he comes over tonight. Or that we do SOMETHING. I havn't seen him in a week, and before that, like 2 weeks. I am going to start reading The Once and Future King. There is so much in that book, that I didn't understand last year when I read the first half. blah. __________________________________________ HAHA! ok, well I was just informed that the De Smet mixer was for seventh and eighth graders. I find that hilarious. He came over. I was very happy. We watched Windtalkers. My sentences are elementary school level. coolness. I need to start writing more in cursive. My signature looks like complete trash. Good luck in your game tomorrow morning Nathan. _______________________________ I had a nightmare for the first time in years last night. Well, a semi-nightmare. I always get these dreams that I remember, where all this horrible stuff is happening, that should scare the crap out of me, since I'm sleeping and all, but none of it does. I think I may have become semi-conscious in dreams, instead of completely unconscious. My dreams have become my world, if something in a dream is going in a way that I don't want it to, then I take charge and change what is happening just by thinking it. Thus, the only panic I recieved from my nightmare last night was when I woke up and still couldnt breathe. The dream had a lot of parallels to IT, which I find strange. A brief summary: There was a couple in the car, a woman hanging from a noose while still sitting in the drivers seat, and a man stabbed to death in the back seat. There was an inflatable clown that looked remarkably like Pennywise the dancing clown left, covered in blood, in the front passenger seat of the car. The woman was still alive, and was blinking frantically while gripping the rope tied around her neck. Then, both of them were alive, and they were my parents, even though they seemed only a few years older than me. Then, I hung from a noose at my house after eating soup, watching my cats get eaten by a giant spider that used to be a clown, and knowing my dogs and my 'parents' would eventually be eaten too. My 'dad' couldn't find the scissors, so he just left me hanging, not being able to breathe. Somehow I could walk around while hanging (I guess that was something I changed to suit me). After looking for scissors and finding them, I cut off the rope, and I had a huge greenish-purplish bruise stretching all the way around my neck. After I still felt like I was being strangled, I realized that the dream was not going a way that I was ok with, and I woke up to still not being able to breathe.

Ok, so not only does my permit picture look like a mugshot, but they put that my height is 5'0 1/2", and i didnt notice it. um, i said 5'5 1/2". but thats cool. I drove the first time today. w00t. It wasn't too bad. My mom wasnt scared except for once when i was turning too fast and almost flipped the car into the woods. Overall, I'd say I am having a pretty good day. And someday, in like a year, I am going to be able to drive as good as NATHAN!! mwahhhahhha When I get married, I am going to walk down the aisle to "dreamer" by ozzy osbourne. That song describes my feelings about the world PERFECTLY. Gazing through the window at the world outside Wondering will mother earth survive Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her sometime Afterall there's only just the two of us And here we are still fighting for our lives Watching all of history repeat itself Time after time I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days I watch the sun go down like every one of us I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign A better place for those who will come after us This time I'm just a dreamer I dream my life away I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days Your higher power may be god or jesus christ It doesn't really matter much to me Without each other's help there ain't no hope for us I'm living in a dream of fantasy If only we could all just find serenity It would be nice if we could live as one When will all this anger, hate, and biggotry be gone?... __________________________ No one cares about me. If I died, no one would care. No one would notice that I was gone. I hate myself. I hate my life. Oh sweet sorrow. Oh, The Agony! I'm going to go get fucked up on some kind of drug and try to drive. I'll show them. Oh, The JOY of sick jokes! ok, so the above portion is all what it seems like people right now think i am like. i dont need to be repeatedly reassured that im loved. im not depressed and unstable. the more you tell me you love me, the more empty your words are. i mean, ok. 4 times in one day, when we havnt even had a conversation? yeah. that's love. i don't even know what's going on in your lives, and you don't know what i'm like on the inside anymore. gawd people. hypocrisy. How many more times am I going to be wrong until it happens to you? and then suddenly i was right all along? ______________________________________ I think it is funny that the tarot cards I got were tarot of the saints, hoping they wouldn't anger god, and im not even christian anymore. so it feels weird using tarot of the saints. just a random thought.

It is 7: 48. Would it be wrong of me, to wonder where you are? Well, this is cool. The perfect ending to my day. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Oh wait. No, it gets better. Now I have cramps, too. Its ok. I understand. Every glare thrown onto my computer screen from passing cars raises me up with anticipation, only to drop me on my butt, when i see it isnt him. I am shutting the blinds. It is now almost nine. - - - - - - - - - - - - Now, for what I have done today. I'll try to make it the least depressing as possible. I awoke to the sound of my younger dog barking, because my bedroom is right over the front door. I yelled for a while, and rolled over with the pillow on my head, but when he did not stop, I carried him up to my room. While i was getting in bed, he gave me a sympathetic look, and started having diarhea all over my floor. I started screaming NOOO TEDDY NOOO and chased him out the door with him still pooping. I ran around looking for my mom to realize she was at her swimming class. My brother started calling me bitch and trying to insult me, so I went to the only place I have privacy, my room. I cleaned it up, and used half a bottle of air freshener, which I hope will not hurt my new hamster, which is not named yet, but I have been calling him/her poopsie. I cleaned it up, but it stained my floor. So then, i read the entire drivers manual so that I could get my permit today. I was pumped up and ready, so we started driving to Arnold, and when we got there we realized that we did not have my birth certificate, even though i had reminded my mom. It closed in 45 minutes so we just went home. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. I am driving to Kansas City on Saturday. Four and a half hour drive. So I now have a mere three days to learn how to drive. I WANT to drive to Kansas City. At least halfway...Ive felt like an adult for years, Ive waited for this for so long, and when it finally gets here I have to put it off more. I planted baby trees (my hobby, that was relaxing) and the neighbor's cat claimed me and we hung out while i planted the trees. More little flowers have come up overnight. It has only been 5 days since I planted the seeds. It took the first sprouts only 3 and a half days to peek out of the soil. Now I shall wait. There is nothing left to wait for. It is after ten. I am going to head to Courtney's. Maybe Kelsey and Courtney can cheer me up.

human beings are BY FAR the most disgusting organisms that have ever lived on earth. they are complex viruses with specialized cells but enough power to blow a city to smithereens. or, you might call them powerhungry ants (war) that want nothing more than to upset anything they can on earth. ive never heard of a species that enjoys causing its own species pain. ants fight each other, but it still doesnt apply. because different countries fight each other, but within each country people kill each other, rape little girls, mutilate animals, beat their children, too many things to list. so...whos proud to be a human? im not. i have sincere respect for anyone who manages to kill themselves and escape from this hell you know, if someone/something hit/exploded earth and made the human race extinct, it would be doing nature a favor, and saving the solar system future problems caused by us. example: a country that shall remain unnamed, either enjoys having tons of kids and starving, which leads to the destruction of coral reefs by logging (silt drains into the ocean), and destructive fishing(including dynamite fishing, cyanide fishing, etc), or they cant seem to stop having unprotected sex. either way, the people in their small-ish country are multiplying by the dickens, and they have nowhere to turn but burning down the forests(rainforests?) and using that area for farming, or destructively fishing in coral reefs that take half a lifetime to recover. why does it matter? well, if you are one of those people that thinks that the human race is all that matters and we can just destroy every other species unless they benefit us (therefor seeing nothing wrong with it so far) you are wrong also. because they have found effective drugs in many organisms in coral reefs, and the research has just started. so what if the cure for cancer and aids is being destroyed this second by dynamite fishing? im tellin ya, humans are gonna be their own destruction. for 90% of the population thats a good thing. ______________________ i officially hate my computer. bret twouldnt let me on last night until 4 05 even though he knew i was supposed to get on to talk to nathan, and when i got on the internet was down. and it was down ALL FUCKING NIGHT. A;LSDKFJAKL;FJk. [translation-FUCK.] yeah, im just peachy, stupid. _______________________________________ well, im going to go and eat some marshmellows and take a nap now. nathan, if you read this, im soo sorry about yesterday, and only 3 days... _______________________________ i love it when my mom hides the key to the treadmill and doesnt tell me where it is. yeah. ok, well i REredid my schedule, decided not to take calculus (ill prolly have to take it in college anyway) and decided not to take yearbook cuz it takes up too much time (why cant it be a semester class??) 10th grade 1st semester-2nd semester zero hour: drivers ed-design studio 1:chemistry-chemistry 2:10th honors language arts-10th honors language arts 3:honors algebra II-honors algebra II 4: world history-world history 5: german I-german I 6: women's choir-women's choir 11th grade zero hour: women's choir-women's choir 1:AP literature and composition-AP lit. and comp. 2: german II-german II 3:government-photography 4:pre calculus-precalculus 5:geoscience-geoscience 6:writing and reporting-child development 1 12th grade zero hour: creative writing-none 1:senior literature-senior composition 2:women's choir-women's choir 3:ecology-ecology 4:psychology-economics 5:ceramics-philosophy 6:german III-german III ------------------------------------ hey im feeling tired my time is gone today you flirt with suicide sometimes thats ok hear what others say im here standing hollow falling away from me falling away from me day is here fading thats when i would say i flirt with suicide sometimes kill the pain i can always say 'its gonna be better tomorrow' falling away from me falling away from me beating me down beating me beating me down down into the ground screamings of sound beating me, beating me down, down into the ground... korn "falling away from me" i sooo hope i get to go to that this summmer... korn, the used, and linkin park...yes goodnight everyone

i walked away, heard them say poisoned hearts will never change i feel like im dying ... i smell like smoke once again. i think its only a matter of time before my parents search my room or something of the sort. there must have been a lot, because it smelled like that outside my house all over the place yesterday too. the smell, makes me sick to my stomach. i have the worst stomach ache, this always happens. its on me, like a stain. even if i take a shower, my hair still smells like rose smoke, or lilac smoke, or jasmine smoke. OUT, damn spot! maybe ill live in new orleans when im older if i dont get that house i want. i mean, id fit in. ahhh, get the smell awayyyyy... well, i have officially 10+ hours of homework today. so im going to regret being on the computer right now later. every night, i dream of you.... every night. saw havana nights last night. loved it, i just hate the ending. because no matter what they think, they wont be getting back together, he will meet a nice cuban girl, and she will go off to college and meet some harvard-schooled lawyer. and they will forget about the love of their lives. i actually cried over that movie, a first in months. ive become very emotional. overemotional. i hope that ends up alright. and i hope i see you today or tomorrow... cum on feel the noise girls rock your boys we'll get wild wild wild wild wild wild im reading this book about palmistry, its interesting. you could say that the lines on the palms of our hands are only there from bending them, but the life line appears bold and clear on an embryo's hand at age 8 weeks, which is before it is able to move. you should really listen to the song "atomic" by blondie. if you have the game GTA vice city, youve already heard it. uh uh make me tonight tonight make it right uh huh, make it magnificent tonight, right and im craving my nathan

i see how she looks at me. she's clueless, so paranoid that its actually funny. i try not to smirk when she looks at me like that. a bad paranoid. [hers] put on my mask, do a performance, and all that jazz. even the smile with the twinkles from my eyes, a shadow of a standing ovation is all i get but i wouldnt have it any other way. the spider in the corner in its forgotten web quite liked it, if i do say so myself. and the bats that hang from the ceiling, and the rats that live under the stage, and the moths that are living in the cushy seats. but its ok because only i can see them. i watched you change into a fly i looked away you were on fire i watched a change in you its like you never had wings now you feel so alive ive watched you change i took you home set you on the glass i pulled off your wings then i laughed i watched a change in you its like you never had wings and you feel so alive ive watched you change i look at the cross then i look away give you the gun blow me away i watched a change in you its like you never had wings... leap day comes only once every four years, sounds like a reason to party. i dont like leap day. at all. but that doesnt matter, and no one cares. be right back, talking to my dad about small towns in france and where i want to see.

ive been used darling, so im on sale. half price! use me more while you can. beat the crap out of me make me an inch from death drive me over the edge and i still wouldnt leave you. 90% off!!-- is still to expensive. i dont see why you would want a deal like me, an emotional trainwreck. my dear [insert random pet name], this is all a dream, and someday one of us is going to wake up. love is a fairytale. a daydream. never conquest after something that does not exist. you could search your whole life and never find it. it wasnt you. even if it is a dream, i still want you here. because i know it isnt.

im so sorry, i never realized i was thinking these things in the back of my mind. im having a conversation with stephen and things started coming out and it is scaring me to death. i cant believe i have so much damn anger on this subject. im too ashamed to talk about it, leave me to my peace. im doubting you so much, im sorry, i just cant see any reason for us to be here except for you to laugh at us. it would be like watching a soap opera, except a million times more entertaining, what with all the people starving and killing each other and shooting themselves in the mouth. and all the kids that are beaten and all the little girls who are raped and all the children who are kidnapped and every person who cries themself to sleep at night. id rather not believe in you at all then belive in that. .....its just.... i dont know how i feel about you anymore. im talking to nothing. i walked away, i heard them say poisoned hearts will never change

i feel like having secrets too. secrets that will never be found. mysterious, huh? my mother says that even though i do not enjoy sports, she considers me a tomboy. i dont wear much makeup, im not afraid of getting dirty. i prefer to wear baggy jeans. instead of those helpmeicantbreathe-tight ones. i dont file/paint/trim my nails, they break off when i USE them. i dont believe that people judge me by how my nails look, and, well, if they do they have too much time on their hands. i burp in public. i use my hands when i eat, sometimes. i dont wear skirts, not unless it is required, i dont know how to do a million things with my hair i dont know how to put on foundation or eyeshadow or lipstick and have it look half decent. i play video games and chick flicks are not my favorite. my version of a love song is coldplay at its softest, or poison the well's "nerdy" at its hardest. not the titanic song, believe it or not. that said, im going to have a girly day today. pamper myself to no end, except time. lay out if i can find a sunny spot that is hidden, maybe start my garden (i love plants), light some candles and insense, take a shower, relax and read a book. with the window open. maybe ill go somewhere tonight. relaxing makes it feel like summer. oh god, how i wish it was.

sometimes, i really feel like im just kidding myself. i never realized how dependent i was on Him, until he was gone. i told Him that i wanted a week without Him, to see what it was like. to find out how much He meant to me. for the first hour or so, i couldnt stop talking to Him, asking Him to help me, to make my troubles go away, to come back, because i needed Him. after a few hours, my talking to Him slowly died down into nothing. its gone now, at first i felt empty, and alone. i felt His absense, after He left, it almost hurt, it felt like something had been snatched out of me by some malignant creature with horns and a mischevious grin, but i know that the only creature that fits that description that snatched Him away from me is myself. i did it. i made Him leave, i pushed Him away, i decided not to believe, if only for a week. now, i just feel down to earth. i feel, deep down inside, how alone i am. how alone i really have been for my whole life. how once i tell anyone to leave, i cant expect them to come back. because it wouldnt be fair, the world doesnt revolve around me, for which i am glad. im not important, im a small piece of the big picture, a dot in the photograph of despair. dont you see? everyone is. everyone is a dot, no one is important, we are all lost in this maze, and we wont get out until we escape painfully into nothing at the end. you, and i, are no better than anyone else, seeing the big picture doesnt get us out of the maze, it just gives us more pain because we see it as it is, and we dont pretend. he tried to catch me but i slipped through his fingers. brings new meaning to the phrase equal under god, doesnt it? i should have made this entry private. i never never wanted this i always wanted to believe i feel like making a new diary. kill me for saying this, but i do think, that this week is causing more harm to it than it is good.

i tried to take a nap, but i gave up. it was all in vain. because.... i felt compelled to look out my window every time a car passed my house to see if it was you. ______________________ i want a tattoo. asap.

http://diaries.suchisthis.com/keepsondreamin/?cmd=view_entry&eid=105 please go there. its a kind of complex entry, i think, and i want to know if anyone actually gets it. please go there and tell me if you do. tomorrow: aleks is skipping swimming and coming over, and the three of us are going to clean my room before the mixer for my party. then, the mixer. then, a movie. sounds like an awesome night to me! saturday:partay. rock on. something in u.s. history pissed me off today. my teacher was trying to get a thinking conversation going, and this is somewhat how it went. mr batcheller-so, with the war going on right now and stuff, people are getting worried that the armed forces are spread too thin. that there arent enough for how many places they need to be right now. and every now and then, its considered to pass a bill that requires 18 year olds to be part of the military for 2 years, mandatory. it could be any part of the military, you wouldnt have to fight, you could even be in reserve, which is 1 weekend out of every month and 3 weeks out of every year. would you be able to make even that small of a sacrifice for your country? (numerous heads shaking no) some girl-OMG, noooo! id have to find some way around the draft, i mean, cmon guys, can you see ME, with a GUN?? (me rolling my eyes. i mean, come on now people. how ignorant can you be? the army isnt all about fighting, do you ever even watch those army of one comercials on tv? you can do over a hundred jobs, and most of them ARENT fighting. you could be a cook, a nurse, etc. ) mr batcheller-what are other peoples thoughts? (more people saying no; me sitting in silence marveling about how im the only one who gets it in the class) mr batcheller-well, what do you think would happen if everyone said the same thing you just said? (a chorus of 'well, we dont have to worry about it because that will never happen') mr batcheller (clearly getting annoyed)- in world war 2, the american people had to make major sacrifices. would you be able to do that now, if the war on terror got that bad? everyone said yes. thats the part that pissed me off. did you people not hear what you just said 5 minutes ago? i shook my head no. mr batcheller-you just shook your head no, didnt you becca? why dont you think we would be able to? me-well, i know im part of this generation, but it just seems like everyone is like oh yeah, patriotism, lets be proud of our country, as long as i dont have to make sacrifices for it. this is just my opinion, but i think that if everyone is proud of the country, they should be productive and make it stronger and better than it was before. not just lay around, sacrifice for the whole. some people seemed to support my idea. right after they had said "nooo, i dont wanna do it!" selfishness. tons, of selfishness. "all for one, and one for all. as long as i dont have to do anything."

to be in your arms. right now. more than anything in the world.

january 20th, 2004 cory seibert, is dead. dead from luekemia and he isnt even 20 yet. i only met him once. me and kelsey and courtney were going trick or treating last halloween, we werent going to go down that culdisac but we did. we went to a house and there was a really nice lookin guy, but he was dressed up as a french maid. so we had our laughs about that. he was a really nice person, and he had a good sense of humor. and i could tell that just from talking to him for like 10 seconds. we didnt find out until a week or so ago that the guy dressed up as a french maid was cory, getting ready for a halloween party. i didnt even know him, but here i sit, i feel so numb and cold. the world is cold. it just seems like only the good people die early. ill just remember that he is in a better place. and ill pray for his family and friends. so, here's remembering cory. rest in peace cory seibert january 20, 2004 ----------------------------- i was happy today (aside from finding out about cory). i dont know why. er, i sort of do. i dont know, ahhhh courtney asked me what i was on. she said i was acting totally different, i was walking different, talking different, EVERYTHING. kelsey, she agrees. she thinks im in love. she says she can see it in my eyes, she can see it in my face when i smile for no reason at all. of course my constant day-dreaming probably added to it. if shes right, im scared. i dont want to fall in love, i dont want to get hurt, but i do want to fall in love. it doesnt make any sense at all, and i love it. even if she is right i would deny it to my grave. its like suddenly i just have this joy of living. i love life, i want a million helpings. bring it on, i can take anything right now. gimme all ya got. im ready for it. : ) i have this small goal to get my permit before kelsey and courtney. im the younger out of hte three, by a lot, and i want a chance to feel like the oldest for like 10 seconds. *studying THE BOOK madly* im going to start working out. not only because im out of shape and i need to be able to run a mile before gym this summer, but because he told me it would help my insomnia to be worn out before i go to bed. ok, heres the deal, i made it up myself: for every hour i am on the computer, i MUST do 60 sit ups and run/walk one mile. um, thats like a TON for me. like, um, up to 360 sit ups and 6 miles a day. ill be losin weight like the dickens, and ill be able to sleep!! mwahahha jeez, i sound like a fucking i dont know what. like all ill talk about in here is going to the mall and who likes me and who i like, and no deep thoughts about is there more to life whatsoever. thats what i sound like. i dont want to be that...

my father's relationship with me is based too much on my ACT score. it makes me sad how he finally feels like i might be worth talking to just because of it.