Guess what kiddies... My dad is probably getting a divorce. Not a big suprise there. I was really starting to feel like that was my home, then she tells my dad that she doesn't want my sister and I there as much as we are and that we are mooching off her. Which is ridiculous. Anyway, she was being so two-faced. I'm really sad for my dad. He doesn't deserve to be treated like crap. This is his third failed marriage. I didn't go to class today. I didn't feel like it. Sue me. The Next Night... It has snowed all day long. A blizzard, if you will. It took us 5 hours to go about 60 miles. I'm frozen to the bone and can't wait to move out west. I bought a big ole wheel of bread at Walmart, some Fresca, and a carton of strawberry milk. The perfect snowed-in food. Later That Night... People die. Every second someone is taking their last breath. Sometimes its someone you know and your left to deal with the aftermath. Sometimes regret and loss just smack you in the face. Everyday of your life you remember this person. Their life is reduced to one second, the second they died. You can't get over it no matter how much you say you have. It's always there, lurking, just waiting for you to smell something, touch something, see something that reminds you. IT NEVER ENDS. Sometimes you just want to forget it all. Pack up your bags. Get on a bus. Go where it takes you. No more family obligations, personal expectations, or thoughts of suicide. No more begging God to take you. Just start fresh and forget everything. 2:46 am I've taken up sewing. I'm trying to make a quilt. Maybe this will rid me of this constant craving to smoke a cigarette even though I've never smoked in my life or wanted to. I'm all fidget-y and moody like I need some nicotine. Maybe I'm going through second-hand smoke withdraw. My mom smoked everyday of her life since she was 15. When I was a baby I ate three cigarettes and when my mom took me to the ER they said it was lucky that she smoked while she was pregnant. Or maybe that was why I ate the cigarettes. Who knows? I always wonder how my life would be different if my mom were still here. Would I be at this school? Married? Dead? Totally happy and perfectly adjusted? I don't think so. Do you ever feel like fate is controlling your life and no matter what you do you can't change the course of events? I do. My life is already mapped out in the stars and I can't do anything about it. Eeehhh.