This is my little corner of the world. I will not pretend that everything is wonderful right now. I'm still upset a lot, easily aggitated, and down on myself. I'm still creatively dead, idiotically soft spoken, and mildly depressed. I'm still sitting here instead of being out there. But in this corner of the world, that's okay. My weekend was a typical one. Typical of me, not typical of most 20 year olds. It's no longer a big deal that I'm a nerd. I've excepted that I will not be a party animal. It won't happen in this life, ever. I've also excepted that I won't be beautiful or emotionally stable or prepared. The people I have to be around everyday of my life have not excepted these things. It's a constant struggle to keep my head above these exceptations. When my dad gets my grades for this semester I will no longer be above water. Am I upset about this? No. Why? I have a sick feeling of accomplishment when people are disappointed by me. It proves what I all ready know about myself. I am a screw up. I'm not saying that because I have low self-esteem (I do, but it has nothing to do with honesty). I'm saying it because everything I've done in my life up to this point has been a disappointment. Not to others so much but to myself. So much so that I don't even know what I'm good at. It's 5:13 in the morning and I'm alone, wishing (like most other nights) that I was with someone. I wish I had it in me to be a slut. But I can't seem to throw off this fucking straight-laced upbringing or the feeling that my mom is watching me and shaking her head. I know she wants me to have someone to love but she didn't live long enough to tell me how to get there. Sidenote: The pic I posted is one of a comic who died on Friday (I think, maybe Thursday). He brought me a lot of laughs and even though I didn't know him personally I'm saddened by the loss. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I heard that Staind song "It's Been Awhile" last night and it's totally what I feel like right now. One lyric really spoke to me: "I cannot blame this on my father He did the best he could for me" I can't blame it on him. It's me, totally, undeniably me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please take a moment to sign the ONE Declaration. You can visit the site by clicking the banner above this entry.