The last entry: crap. The one before that? Crap. Consistant crap for weeks. I'm going to do better. Today I actually went to class. I cleaned my room and straightened my hair. Right now I'm debating on whether I should do riglets or not. We'll see. Anyway, school will be over in no time. I think I'm on academic probation which means nothing really. This summer is going to be the best of my life. I'm going to make it that way. I already have a spankin vacation planned. I have a job and a place to stay and things are looking up. I'm up to five glasses of water a day and two novels a week. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My sister just called. I'm really upset. We had an argument where it became obvious to me that she thinks I'm a screw up. I thought she was one of the poeple who believed in me. After we hung up I just laid in the floor for like two hours staring at the ceiling light thinking about what I'm doing. I might as well be on drugs. I'm wasting my youth. And I understand its fleeting. I should be riding it for all its worth. I shouldn't be trapped in this shell of an existance. I shouldn't be. God, I don't want to cry everyday of my life. I'm so tried of this. I'm not a second class citizen, my family should love me no matter what. As is, I'm tolerated. They couldn't even muster up enough smiles for my birthday. I don't know why I keep putting myself through that. I'm not going to have another birthday party. They've all sucked. And I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. I'm 20 now. Daunting. I wish I could take a year off and find out who I am. I feel a break down coming on. I almost welcome it like an old friend. And I'm tired of being this person who never has anything good to say. I feel this sickening numbness in my hands now a lot. Cold fingers that won't work right. I put myself in these horrible moods where I welcome whatever badness will come. I'm in a bad place now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Go to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7234407/?GT1=6305