Oh my God, I am so messed up. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend like everything is perfect and that I am perfect and that I am perfectly happy. Today I felt like blowing my brains out and it wasn't because anything bad happened it was just that I was being genuinely fake to everyone. People think I am so happy-go-lucky but they have no idea. I just got so upset today that I went numb. I'm doing that more and more. Shutting myself off. I thought about what I'd write my mother if I was going to write her. I'd say that my life has not turned out how I wanted it to. I'd say that if only she'd waited a little longer. I'd say that she fucked me up. I'd say that I was sorry for lying to everybody about how well I'm dealing. I'd say that she was right, about everything. I'd ask her if she could take back some of the mean things she did to me. I'd ask her why she never told me who my real dad is. School starts in 20 days. My eyes feel hollowed out and I wonder where your soul is. It't not in your heart or in your mind. Maybe it's behind your eyes. That's why you can tell when a person is evil or the one your going to spend the rest of your life with. My soul feels like it's being stretched a thousand miles. Two months ago I was looking at the lines of my hand and giving myself a palmistry reading. Yesterday I noticed that my lines have changed. I haven't looked in my book yet because I'm scared of what it will say. Do you think sexuality is a woman's greatest power?