July 27, 2005 / 10:12 am Last night was one of the hottest of my life. I wish I could say it was because of events but no, the heat index was 95. I hate sweating when I’m trying to sleep. I’ve been avoiding my diary (like usual) since Gina’s funeral. The day of it there was a get-together at Nick’s dad’s house and in the front room there was a big board with pictures of her and Nick’s dad kept saying “We’re celebrating her life” and I felt like puking or screaming or just asking what that means. Yes, your not thinking of her death but of her life but the reason your doing that is because she is dead. Gone forever. And I wonder when Nick will get tired of saying “My mom passed away” and start saying “My mom is dead”. I got tired of “passed away” about a week after my mom died and even though I know it’s insensitive to just spit it out like that I think people kind of deserve it. They have moms and Nick and I don’t. Here’s how the conversation usually goes: Someone Who Doesn’t Really Know Me: What about your mom? Me: She’s dead. SWDRKM (gets wide eyed and guilty faced and pats my hand): Oh. And a piece of me says “na-na-na” because now they can feel bad about it instead of me. Horrible. I read the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants yesterday. It was good considering it is one of those teen girl books. You should read it if you have absolutely nothing else to do and you’re a girl. I don’t think guys would get much out of it. I don’t really know any books that guys would like and girls wouldn’t except maybe motorcycle manuals or plumbing how-to’s. And do guys actually like those or do they read them out of necessity? I’ve been going up and down lately. Last night I was in a wonderful mood but then I watched the episode of Roseanne where Dan has the heart attack and of course I was sad after that. This morning I woke up (despite being extremely hot) excited to get stuff done but now I’m decidedly not excited about anything besides getting back to school in three weeks. Just to be alone in my little dorm room shut out from the world would be magical right now. I mean now I feel cut off but its not because I chose to. I have no choice. When I’m at school I can put up the walls and know that it’s me pushing them away and not vice-versa. Being pushed away is the worst feeling ever. Nick told me a few days ago that his mom used to call us (my sister, myself, and Nick) the three musketeers. I miss her. She gave Jhonna and I matching necklaces for Christmas and I’ve been wearing mine every day since I got it but Jhonna just started. And now that she’s gone (DEAD!) my mind just comes up with things I want to tell her. Like yesterday I saw Bush on TV and I wanted to call and tell her that President Pinhead was on making a fool of himself and she would have laughed but she’s dead. Maybe if I kepp saying it it will get through. It was funny my reaction when Nick told me that she was dead. I just thought “I didn’t bargain with God” because just that morning I was thinking that I never do that. I never say I will give up something or that I’ll do something to God so I’ll get things I pray for. I didn’t believe in it. But now maybe I do. Maybe if I’d said that I’d give up my diary (a big part of my life most of the time) He would have kept her on. But on the other side I think when its your time to go, you go no matter what. It could be that you inhale a pin or something. But after Nick told me I went inside (we were standing outside the Omelet Shoppe) to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and said what I always say when I’m upset: “I can’t do this” over and over again. For some reason it calms me down and I left and my dad was sitting in the booth across from me and I was saying that it must have been her time and he just shook his head and wouldn’t comment on it. And I think that maybe my dad’s faith is slipping and I can see that he is dying too. Not fast like Nick’s mom but not slow like I am either. And I don’t know what I’ll do when I’m an orphan. Not that I depend on him that much (not that I ever did, really) but it’ll be odd when both my parents are dead. Do you think you can bargain God out of death? Or anything? And if so, what’s your bargaining chip? I got a new astrology book yesterday “Ruling Planets”. It’s very accurate. It says “… your emotions are so fluid and changeable that the love you feel for a lover is going to be the same love you feel for a sunny day or a favorite pet.” Totally true. I thought I was abnormal. Matlock is on and I should be working but I can’t work up the enthusiasm to care about putting in receipts. I don’t deserve money. I discovered yesterday that I have the same birthday as Jack Kerouac. If you don’t know who he is you should first of all smack yourself across the face and then look him up on wikipedia. I finally saw Lost in Translation and Kill Bill Vol. I and II. Lost in Translation was… fantastically touching. Bill Murray is… should be in a lot more movies. The best part of that movie is when they are singing karaoke and she has the pink wig on. Scarlett Johansson is so natural. I loved her in In Good Company. I feel lost in translation. Kill Bill was really good. I’m not normally into all that fight crap but it looked like art and Uma Thurman is fantastic.