I had a gigantic fight with my dad today. One of many. Afterwards I'm always wondering why I let myself get upset. He's who he is. He hasn't changed my whole life. He will never understand me, ever. And he doesn't really want to. I don't fit into his daughter mold. I thought I'd excepted it. But today I'm sitting there crying like there's no tomorrow and screaming at him that I can't live like this anymore. Every second I'm thinking about his expectations and his ideas about me. I don't even know who I am anymore. All this started when my parents divorced. I always said that it didn't bother me but it did. I guess I blamed him. I didn't know at the time that my mom was cheating on him but that doesn't matter any more. He noticed when I was around 14 that I wasn't turning out how he wanted. I'm not an unquestioning, always-do-what-I'm-told gal (despite my image). Anyway, he started being really strict and basically being an ass with me. That coupled with the fact that I started to suspect that he wasn't my dad made me push him away. I spent most of my teens with my mom while my sister stayed with my dad. A few months before my mom died I was pretty sure that he wasn't my dad but I decided I'd wait to ask my mom about it because she'd just given birth to my brother and was really depressed. I guess I waited too long. I had one sincere conversation with my dad on the subject and he said he didn't know if I was his or not. That hurt. Now the only person who knows for sure is dead. I don't think I'd want to have a father/daughter relationship with another man but I'd like to know who he is. After my mom died I moved in with my dad and we fought 24 hours a day until I left for college. Now we fight almost every time we see each other. I'll admit I start most of them because I feel like the only time I get any emotion from him is when he's infuriated with me. Anything is better than nothing. Well, I used to feel like that. Now I'm just tired.