Spring Break

by valleycat
Listening to: The Jerk
Feeling: faded
Well, I'm off to Richmond tomorrow to spend the week with my aunt. I probably won't update while I'm down there. I'm staying up all night tonight so I can get my room cleaned, my hair washed and straightened, and packed. I had my evening English class today. The worst class on the planet. The professor is a high school teacher who moonlights as a prof. It's horrible. Anyway, I did get something done. I wrote three poems, read three chapters of Chinese poetry, and John Donne's bio. The teacher was yakking about Chaucer and I was reading Tu Fu. Fantastic. I'm watching "The Jerk" right now. I saw the guy I've been crushing on yesterday. He has a new girlfriend. And I feel neutral. I'm so beyond even caring anymore. I have to get things right inside me before I can worry about the opposite sex. I haven't been depressed like this in a long time. I don't think I was this messed up when my mom died. I don't know why I put myself through this. I'm doing this repeat thing in my head. Repeating everything I've ever done wrong. Rewinding it and playing it back. Saying the words "failure", "idiot", and "let-down" in my mind until they melt together. I can't stop. I'm obsessing. Later That Night... My dad is mad at me and hurt because of me and I don't know how to fix it. He feels like I'm cutting him out of my life. My sister says I'm doing it to her too. I'm such a let down. LET DOWN. I let everyone I know down. I'm a failure at school and a failure as a person. I can pretend that everything is going to be okay and that with a positive attitude things will change. It's all a facade. No matter how many times I start to heel, the wound opens again. And I don't even remember how I got like this. A spinning ball of nerves. A self involved ass. A neurotic airhead. This is not me. THIS IS NOT ME. THIS IS NOT ME. THIS IS NOT ME. I have to scream it inside to hear. What do I do to fix it? How do you reverse an evolution of hate and self-loathing? I'm so lost. The screaming in my head never stops. Even Later That Night... Listening to Bush. Prizefighter. Dead Meat. Not smart if I want to be in a good mood. I wish I had a Sesame Street CD. Something. ...if we never know we can only feel i'll take the help, i'll take a slice warm alright now cos i feel alright i memorize the basics this is the night this is the sound here comes the warm machine... Wish I Were Here...
Read 21 comments
i'm packing my bags. pick me up at 7. i'll be the touristy looking dude with white crap on his nose, black socks and shorts on, and an umbrella.
the jerk is an absolutely brilliant film - indeed.
you do know your movies my dear.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY again btw.

i think i better write a damned entry now before they kick me out of here.

rockandrollVval
have fun in richmond
im on down time.
down
down
down time.
:-/

i have big plans but my mother always ruins them so mabey im hoping she will ruin this one but probably not, thats the way she works. so i may just have to make it private again because mabey im just uhh something, i cant really describe it but i know for sure that i want to go swimming.
trying to use her as a way out, thats what i was trying to say, trying to use her as my savior, you know?
Always keep in this in mind: You are what you make yourself out to be. One is only a failure when that person completely loses all hope in themselves.
er... that picture yuo want to be in? That looks like Ichabod Crane country, and we all know what happened to him...

He lost his head. know what I'm saying?

-d-
i forgot what i came here to do, i signed in with the specific purpose of leaving you a comment and then about ten minutes later i was like, oh i gotta leave a comment to val, see how sitdiary is all evil, like a trap...a bear trap.
french is great, i like fini.
you are cool. just not hip-hopper fo-shnizzleicious, just d-licious.
click here!
[Anonymous]
worked, slept, random bursts of phone sex and self-photography. we have a ratehr large sinkhole out by our septic tank, so when not at work i have been shoring that up with my trusty shovel, crossing my fingers that my dad will splurge and get a back-ho. mainly, though, so i can say i'm driving a back-ho! because the shovelling is kind of good for me. what with my being a lard ass and all.

you?
naked! aloe application!
hey! you! don't be depressed. it's a bummer.

is richmond nice? i think i was there a few times when i was younger and lived in raleigh.

when i read your name real fast, 'Val M' turns into 'valium'. or 'valm' depending on how much i am muttering.

anyway, have fun on spring break and always remember, curly hair is sexy.
[Anonymous]
naked!
awww. i don't like seeing you like this, miss valm. i don't suppose that's going to help anything, though. so instead i shall poke my screen repeatecly until you giggle. or my finger falls off.

seriously, though, maybe you should go see somebody? shrinks are all jackasses, surely, but sometimes the meds can be a boon, as can be talking to somebody completely random.

maybe spring break and getting away will help some. sunbathing!
Oh dear.

I also struggled to sleep last night. Largely, though, because my cat decided to use my face as a pillow. Repeatedly. And I would feel bad about booting her out of my room, because she's getting kinda old and kinda cranky, but is still young at heart and always seems happy to see me, so I guess that's okay. And I get purred at and nuzzled and head-butted for my trouble.

-d-
Yeah, but I think the stuff he's in touch with would blow my brain clean out through my ears. Both of them, not just one.

Both ears, of course; not both brains, because I only have one. Okay, I have officially lost the plot.

What time is it there where you are at Concord University? must be like 4am or something ridiculous. Why are you not asleep?
Well, I'm trying hard to do the "My Life... with Insight" as opposed to My Life... Lite." Yesterday's omnibus was a good one, I think; some of the others have just been a "must write something anything quick quick quick must write haven't updated in days."

And I read Nick's, and they are always mind-numbingly thought-attacking. He raises the bar all the time, the cheeky sod!

Time to find out some stuff about you that you didn't know; or time to confirm a few things about you that you have suspected all along.

I think the in-head screaming is a good thing. It's good that you know things are not right with you and that you want to change them. It may be somewhat distracting, but the screaming is good, I think.

John Donne... we did some of his poems at school, I think. Did he do Elegy in Churchyard?

hang in there
-d
After reading this entry, I realise why I can't do the My Life stuff - your My Life stuff is searing and intense and personal, and mine is just arb "bleh," by comparison.

Incidentally, I do wish my friends - and I will put you into that camp - would stop calling themselves failures as human beings. You are the third this week. Perhaps things do come in threes!

Flippancy aside, you gotta tell your dad you need some Val time. Time to reflect. >>
You're only allowed to obsess over me dag nabbit. :P
Poog.
and feel better, dammit.
[Anonymous]