I'm just sitting here waiting for my sister and her bf to pick me up. We're going to breakfast because we overslept and missed our classes. I love Fridays. I'll probably continue this entry later... Later That Day... I'm going to stop wearing my glasses. The prescription isn't good anymore anyway and it's not a very good look for me. It makes my eyes look weasely. Plus they don't make me look any smarter than I am. Actually I look like a moron pushing them up on my nose all the time. I just realised that my sister is the most talkative person on the planet. I spent twenty minutes trying to hang up. And she doesn't even talk about anything that's interesting. I hate being on the phone. I'm going to stay up all night tonight writing and maybe get something accomplished. I wanna be able to show my dad my grades and then immediately say: "But I wasn't wasting time, I wrote a book!" Maybe he'll be impressed and he won't get that Disappointed-in-Val look. More than likely he'll disregard it and ask me why I'm wasting money and time on something that means nothing to me. I'm not looking forward to that conversation. Don't you hate it when your parents expect something out of you that you don't want to do and when you fail at it they are suprized and pissed? I told my sister and dad that after this semester I will probably not come back and she told me that I should just finish because my mom would have wanted me to. I hate that. I don't think my mom would want me to spend four years of my life hating everything around me and feeling constantly depressed and on the verge of a breakdown. I've been thinking of spirituality lately. I'm not so sure on where I stand anymore. I believe in God and Jesus and all but where do I fit in all of it? What was I made for? A church sign I passed today said "Your heart is happiest when it's beating for others." I feel a strong urge to contribute to society. Make a difference. Do something for someone else. I want to join the Peace Corps but you have to have a degree to do that. Reason enough to finish? I need some objective advice. Later That Night... I just found out that Arthur Miller died yesterday. I don't know why that makes me so upset. I didn't even like 'Death of a Salesman' that much. I guess every time someone dies it brings me back to the night my mom died. Death is amazingly quick sometimes. Zip and then the person is gone. Sometimes I feel so weary, like I can't take one more day of this constant, babbling Earth. Like if a doctor told me I had a fatal cancer I wouldn't fight it. I'd welcome it. I just want to go home. I keep searching for it on Earth but I know its not here. My soul is telling me its time to go but my body is holding on with steel claws. My mind is so mixed up. I could never kill myself but isn't it the same thing if your wishing for death? *Big ole fat sigh*