I feel so alone. I have friends and family and they're there for me when I need them. I want someone who's there for me when I've had a bad day, to brush away tears when I'm bawling my eyes out, cuddle with me, love and care for me more than anything in this world, and most of all allow me to completely be myself. ~*~*~*~*~AND~*~*~*~*~ I want so badly to be held by this certain person that can give me all that above and more. We started talking again. Its kinda weird. I had this really strange dream about him and then the next night Em, Jessica, and I hung out with these guys and one of them reminded me of him...and then the next morning I talked to him online. He also called me that night. Sunday we talked online too...while he was at work. But since then I haven't heard from him. Maybe he doesn't want to be friends with me after all. Even though he said he did. He's coming to visit his family at X-mas. He said he'd come and see me. Those are probably going to be broken promises pretty soon. I don't know what's happened. I have feelings for him still and I want to tell him what all I miss about him *that would take forever* but why should I miss with what he has out there in Texas. He seems happy. But if he really was happy...I don't think he'd be calling me and talking to me for pretty much the whole day. Maybe there's something missing in his life like there is mine. I miss: him holding me his voice talking to him ::censored:: kissing him caring for him the way he loved me how sweet he was ::censored:: falling asleep in his arms watching shows i hated just to make him happy his smile his icy blue eyes...they were so beautiful THE SIMPSONS the way he touched me the way he laughed how hard he laughed at my random stupidity There's so much more but I don't want to bore you. Anyhoo...on to another boy that's causing problems in my life. Josh. He's been a real butt lately. He hasn't really been talking to me. He hasn't returned phone calls. Sometimes I think that he just doesn't answer the phone when he sees that its me calling. I thought he liked me. I thought he was at least my friend. Seems like lately he has more interest in talking to my best friend *I'm not mad at you* than he does to me. I've known him for 6 freakin' years and its just like I've fallen off the face of the Earth. Maybe he's not what I'm looking for after all. I think about the way things are when I'm with him and when I talk to him and he doesn't show that he cares as much as other guys do that aren't even wanting to date me or have an interest in me like that. I'm starting to think that he's not what I'm looking for anymore. I guess I'm still looking at him through the eyes of a 14 year old girl. I used to want him but now I realize that maybe he's not everything I built him up to be. He's not who I want to be with. **MUAH** Laces I want to be with Stephen. Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you