Ugh.. So Ima just write down everything thats on my mind. I dont care who reads it I dont care what its about. I dont care if people find out things right now. Im just.. emotionally drained and I want it out. now. Right now, its two thirty in the fucking morning, the only person Im talking to is katrina. thats awesome and all but its slightly lonely. she's sending me pictures of guys in man thongs and shit. yay. I had a long talk with kevin and came to a huge conclution. I want him to come to florida, he said he'd try. but it'd take a few months. that made me happy *oozes with sarcasm* actually it made me feel worse cause that means Im still as lonely as Ive always been. Then I Talked to brandon. Because I Love flirting with him. although we both know nothing can happen between us because he lives in jacksonville, and Has a girlfriend. and it hurt. Cause the other day, he actually asked me out. and I turned him down. Even though I like him because of my first boyfriend leaving me for a girl and that making me so horrible I went the whole weekend in the mental hospital. Remember that? yeah that was a long time ago. then I was talking to him today about how I could grow into accepting it, and he told me he couldnt because I hurt him the other day turning him down and he just wanted to be friends now.. And that didnt help me any. that made me feel bad. Then he talked about his girlfriends pictures and I felt unimportant once again. and theres nothing really wrong in my life I guess.. I feel depressed.. better yet I want to be depressed.. Because I feel so depressed inside. and its not really getting to me, and i just want to act the way I feel. and if thats calling me an attention seeker then so be it. Im so tired.. I want to go to bed but mom Didnt wake me up yesterday to go to Dominics and Im afraid shes gonna do it again. and Ima be so depressed there.. and he's going to make me cry...and all im going to want to do is be in his arms. Ever since the girl asked me about him saying I love you.. I keep picturing his face..laying close to me.. whispering I love you and kissing me lightly.. looking right at me. and it seeming so real. and then realizing it wasnt. and that it couldnt be. and everytime I think it.. Like now. I cry. Alot. I feel like cutting again, which would be redundant cause Kevin asked me today if I did, I told him no, cause I havent in a while (while being a few weeks but I didnt tell him that).. And everytime I get back into it I cut deeper and deeper. Like when I stopped and started again, I didnt bleed. the second time, just a little. the third time. blood ran down my stomache.. I dont know how bad it will be if I do it again. Maybe worse. Hopefully worse. Hopefully across my wrist. Theres nothing to do but cry right now. and feel my stomache implode from lack of literal food. I lied yesterday. I did find Matts diary. I only put I didnt because I figured he'd read my diary. but right now I just dont care. I also found lexis. read em both. I was right. Matt does Have a crush on me. Doesnt change anything. He's still my friend. Lexi says everything she types in her diary. Not one of them has updated their diary since christmas. I seriously just want to curl up in a ball and die. And people who leave me comments, I want you to at least sign your goddamn name. cause people who read it. and dont do that. annoy the fuck out of me. -Matti