I just noticed that there is a shitload of "moods" and I wondere what possessed scott to think them all up. that would be torture to me. But anyway... I know I haven't written since last month. there was a SHITLOAD of things that have happened to me and I don't remember half of them, which is fucked up since. thats what this diary is now used for. To remember everything that's ever happened to me. maybe one day I'll end up converting this into a Memoir like Augusten did. Kevin had promised thousands of times to see me, since he moved down already.. and not once did he. People are now trying to get me to believe he is fake, which is what i believed in the beginning and everyone hated me for it. what hypocrites. I dunno now, since he has so many friends that we know, because its not that easy for someone to be faking a thousand friends as well. Unless he like, converts his whole life to it. that would suck.. so yeah.. we have had shitloads of fights. and this last one that has happened two days ago basically I told him to fuck off and I didn't want him anymore. and then I had his friend matt IMing me all over the place telling me how I never really cared about him. and that got me upset. and the next day all I did was wish for him to be here, and it was fucked up. How fucking bi polar I am but yeah.. megan came over this weekend, and I was excited, but as soon as saturday came, I was annoyed with her, I felt she constantly just said stuff to piss me off, and to annoy me. and I felt horrible everytime we started talking It would trigger me mad, and I would have a tone, then she would get one, and then I would attempt to play it off as we were joking so that we wouldn't have a fight. she did it too. and we both know we were at each others throats the whole time, we just attempted to make it seem nicer to each other. which I thought that was good. because I know that we're close enough to control our anger torwards each other, no matter how mad we are. and I felt fucking stupid for wanting to be mad at her, because she's my best friend. I just felt so annoyed with everything she would do. she would hit me, and I would get mad and she would go, "You Hit me too!" and I'm thinking, "WTF NOT NOW I'M NOT" but all she would do is wanna play around, but I wouldn't be in the mood because of fucking kevin. I forced myself to be in a better mood for a while, but when she left I just sunk and hated it. we watched a series of movies, mostly gay ones. since I knew they would make me feel the worst about me and kevin, and I wanted to think the worst about him. I didn't know this, but apparently.. jeremy owns like two or three movies that are fully in french. and I felt like a minority. because there was no one in the house to speak english to me, and I was alone on the couch or with megan, and the TV was blaring French with subtitles, and I'm all, "WTF what Happened to English being the primary Language to gain money??" so yeah.. this last week was Intensives, I did the photography thing with Nials. I didn't know he was a hippy. but none the less. He was a fucking Gorgeous Hippy. Honestly, I loved his smile, thats all I really even think I like about him. He's too skinny for me, I don't like curly hair. But that fucking smile pulled me in like a bitch. and I'm all "WTF IM SEVENTEEN" but yeah... whatever. I have to see him to develope my photos. I was suppose to write the essay on what I did all week, so I guess I'll write it here to inform you what I did all week, I'll add info that I wont add in the essay. Monday: I wrote up a paper on what I wanted to take photo's of and why, I have no effing clue why Nials wanted me to, however he never asked me to, so I guess it was a maneuver to get out of seeing me that day. Tuesday: we went to the dark room at FSU campus, and showed me the chemicals they use to develope negatives. Then later we went to both the museums at FSU, which were great cause I really liked them. Wednesday: we Headed to his studio (actually his bosses) and he showed me the diffrent lights. Like the soft box, and the diffrent positions of it. I constantly felt like he would randomly turn and Kiss me, since we were in a little house alone, in the middle of no where. Thursday: we went back to the studio and the boss was there, he taught me the Barn doors to lighting, and the diffrent things you could do with just a piece of paper against a wall for lighting. They took photo's of still life nests and feathers. That night Nials Lent me a camera and told me to take as many photo's as possible. I took two rolls full. Friday: We developed my negatives and made a contact sheet which I left there to dry. half of the things turned out because the reel that he was using was a fucked up one, but I didn't care. sometime this week we're to develope some of my photo's.. so yeah.. that was alot of shit I did. I'll write more another time. -Matti