It's noticable when you haven't been extremely depressed for a while and then it hits rock hard like bi polar seems to be. I just love it, in the sarcastic sense how people seem to know just the things to trigger my bi polar disorder and know nothing of it, whether or not they do it intentionally or not. either way they act completely oblivious to it anyway. I love how people seem to just act like It never happened. Bradley had left sometime last week for a three day vacation that I was forcingly taken away from him. I hadn't seen him for about a week before since his dad and his escapade about how he isn't to see me. then I tried calling bradley for three days and not once did he respond, not through the internet or anything. and then he had an email about how he lost his phone at his dads girlfriends and he couldn't get home. He then said he was going to call me at nine. which of course he did and I thought it would finally be the first time I got to talk to him in a while and I was going to be happy and flirt with him and do the cheery queery thing that happens when you talk to someone you love. but instead he was in a store and said he had to go and he only called because he promised he would and that he would call when he got home. Honestly how long does it take someone to be in a store because its been two hours and I'm just not feeling the effects of, 'well maybe they did stop for the roast beef in the grocery store department'. and then jennifer had to say something to her mom about how she would give her bradleys number tomorrow. and I completely questioned that because three days without bradley is like taking me off heroin half way in. I wanted every detail that included in his name. He's been trying to go to something with jennifers mom for the last week now and its upsetting, he's my boyfriend and he wants to go out on a movie with jennifers mom rather then me. we haven't been together, ACTUALLY together in two weeks and it feels more and more like forever the longer he's gone. every fucking second feels like a millenium and I'm just the Immortal corpse on the hell walls waiting for satan to dunk me in the fired water next. I feel less and less important to him. He always wanted me to stay on the phone with him till he went to sleep, and I would, and this last time we actually had a conversation. he didn't want to. he wanted to go to sleep alone and I felt heart broken. and I just don't know. everything feels like its perfect and that everything should be fine but yet my mind isn't letting me, I want to be the selfish one that will lock him in a box and have him to myself. to keep him and entertain me while I remain with him I want to be greedy and take everything of his. Have his heart and hold it tightly to never let go of it and its just not working out for me. I want him. and I feel like I can't. Being this addicted to one person should be illegal. even though gay love is almost illegal at that.. -Matti