you know . i try so hard every day just trying to be the girl you want me to be and everyday its just getting harder where ever i go you just think im going to do drugs and shit. i cant even hang out with a friend without you freaking out. what do i do mom? give it another try. your trust in me is gone. so why am i still here. i cant fall into this shit, no more depression shit with me i cant take that.but i need help. you should care, and not threaten me. am i even alive right now. i dont know cause im shaking. i dont know what to do anymore. how is any of this real. how can i take this. whatever fuck it. fuck life. just another couple of weeks. and i can see tony. maybe things might be different... So this is later now and i decided to add on to this completely useless diary. maybe i can write my useless words on this and make some useless sentances as everything right now is useless. he isnt even texting me now. cause he is like afraid of my mom. you see. i ruined my life. my mom just ruins everything that is in it. damn i cant even think my mom and sister left to st cloud.after they looked for me at green lake. and i wasnt there. I WAS. i just went to ryans cause it was gay there. i want to go to alis. but my mom is being a psycho. ah im going insane. i miss my dog. he loves me atleast =] ha. why cant they leave me alone. when i get home i think i will write in my actual diary. and hide it. cause everything thats real thats not a lie thats the truth is in that thing.and i think if anyone were to reid the truth. they just wouldnt like me. or they wouldnt know who i actually am. i could just start on a clean slate. but why. so i can be as dull as my dad? or not be able to find a job and have a boyfriend thats 20 years younger then me. i want to start my own life. but the problem is that...noone will let me live and be Lindsey i have to be polly. the girl with the long blonde hair and the blue eyes that twinkle the bendy arms to hug you every morning. but they just glued the hair on. painted the eyes blue with a white speck. and rubbery plastic arms were just put on. she is fake. i am real. get it straight. i dont even know what im saying anymore. i need to stop now