I dont even know why i keep waiting so long to write on here, i always feel better when i do though. Well i had a baby, hes 7 months old this month!!! time flys so fast when you dont even know it. Spring break is in a week, i cant wait, i hate school so much, it has been such a drag the last 4 years. Im kinda of scared about the future thought, i feel like i am going to lose the person i have loved like forever, I am staying here, and well he is going away, away for 4 years, a lot can happen in 4 years. A lot. And i just dont know if i can stand not knowing what he is doing, or who he is talking to. you know? im just scared that when i go to college i wont know if i want to be what i am going for, and then waste all that time. I just want to start my life now, it seems like college is such a waste of time, but i know its not. it will all make it better. I got a new job, which is stressfull, you have to memorize all these gay quizzes that you have to get an 80% on or you fail, tomorrow is my actual first day on waiting tables by myself, and i am really nervous. Things are so stressfull right now though, with school, homework, work, raising a kid, and then on top of that having to deal with that he is leaving in a matter of 4 months, it just all sucks, i wish things would just slow down for a bit. spring break is in one week!!!!! finally!! LOVE YA, Courtney

wow, i cant belive its been like a year! so much has happened! well school starts in a week and yah i wont be going untill september because well yah im going to have a baby! i know i am young, but i think its all for the best, and i wouldnt change it for anything. And im having him with the guy i fell in love with 5 years ago, and have loved him everyday since. we've been going out for a year and a half now and its been wonderful! my life will change a whole lot, but i know i have people here that will support me, so i think i will be ok! i wonder how school is going to be this year. i really hope drama free, because it was hell last year with everyone finding out that i was pregnant. Hopefully they got on with that and have moved on. but i doubt it. im really worried about someone, i hope she will be alright, sometimes it seems like she is in her own world, and i want to be in that world too like how we used to be, but i have so many new responsibilties now, i dont think i will be able to, it just seems so nice though. i just really hope everything is going to be ok.

it really confuses me why some one says omg i hate someone, and yet they are friends with them the next day, i dont really understand it. i miss all my old friends, its like we all have sepreate lives now and its just an ocasional hello and good bye and whats up. thats it, this year it good but then it has its down times, i cant belive that this semester is almost over! were almost seniors!!! hell ya! the scary thing is though im not sure what i want to do with my life, like i know i want a family and kids, but im talking about like career wise. lol well on the 16th will be barry and i 8 month, it seems like we have beem together forever, but really it hasent been all that long. i just wish people would stop wondering why i am with him, yes i know the things he does, but if i end it i know i will regret it and why would i want to do that. i mean look at me im blabbing on now. lol ok im going to stop. im really glad were doing good now though, were stronger then what we ever were. i hate posion ivy, my whole thanksgiving break i had it and it got so infected that i had to go to the doctor and i had to be put on steriods. lol i know weird huh? but finally its going away and i am so thankful, i think it finally made me relize how greatful i was to have my normal skin. i wish i could tell people how i really feel about them, but thats just it, i cant, im not that strong, i really wish i could be, but when ever i try it just never works, i hate that! well im going to go cause the bell is about to ring, im at school right now!! hehe luv yall buh bye ~courtney~

wow just wow,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i dont even know what to say.

omg he called me, he actually called me and, and he said he missed me, right when i said i wished something exciting would happen, and here is my chance!!!!!!!! omg goodness!!! ahhh i really hope this is a fresh new start!

ya time is going vy so slowly and i dont know why, it seems like everyday i dread because something else is just going to keep building up inside of me. i just wish some exciting or something new and better would happen. i dont know what i should do about this whole situation, its like tearing me apart, like he says that were going to go together but yet i dont know it just doesnt make any sence, and then there is this great guy that wants to go, but i know if i go with him i will only be thinking of him. and i absolutly hate that, i just wish he was different, no i take that back, i wish i was different, so i could just let him go!

why does this have to be so hard? why does this have to hurt so bad? why do i have to cry myself over someone that treats me like shit? why does this make me feel sick to my stomach? why does it want to make me run away and never in a million years come back??? just tell me why???

well were back to school, and i dont think its going to be a very good year, i dont really have any classes with any of my friends except sammy in math, but other then that it sucks, lunch sucks too, i knew i wouldnt have it with kelsey or barry, it sucks. i just hope it gets better. were totally different now, if only everyone knew what he does, i think they would all think i am insane, well i pretty much am, hes like a drug to me, im addicated to him but i cant stop wanting to be with him. i dont know whats wrong with me. he trys to make me think i am doing everything wrong am im not, i just dont know how to stop, i think i need some serious help. its like im living the life i want to seam so perfect, but ive relized for a really long time now, its NEVER going to happen. i need to move on and forget about the past, cause everyday when i wake up thats the first thing i think of and want to go back to sleep the whole entire day, just to forget about it all, i think the only thing that keeps me going is actually wanting to do something with my life, but the way it looks like right now im not getting very far, out of all the mistake ive had make in my entire lifre, i still to this day just keep thinking about that one. i just wish i could be perfect, but then again i dont casue a perfect person is boring, i dont want that, but to tell you the truth i really dont know what i want. i just wish i could tell what is going to happen, but i guess thats what the joy is in life, figuring out who you are. its hard though, i never thought it would be this hard. i really want a car, im sick of my parents always saying there looking, bullshit they are not looking, it makes me sooo freakin mad, but i need to be pacient. i wonder if he ever still thinks about me....................hummmmm wonder......... i just wish things could be like they used to be, life sucks when you get older.

ahhhh i am so excited about school going to start, its less then a week and i still have like nothing bought. im sitting here waiting for sammy and caitlin to come over to swim, which will be really fun cause i havent hung out with them in forever, but anyways the summer is finally over, i think this summer has been kinda bad for everyone. when i went to orentation i got to see everybody which was scary at first, but everybody looks different but yet they still act the same. most of them anyways. i dont have any classes with anyone i know, which really sucks cause i always hate not having any one to talk to, i always feel retarted, but o well. i wonder what will happen this year, hopefully not as much drama like last year but i know that will never happen as long as im in high school, there will always be drama. i just hate all the stupid rumers that everyone makes up just becasue they have nothing better to do, but then talk about other people. things are changing between me and him, i dont know why its so different, i guess we are muturing more and we act older in a way, i kinda like it, but sometimes it makes me feel like he is not into me at all, and i hate that. but yet we have been together for almost 4 month, it seems longer but i guess it just feels that way cause i have been in love with him for like 4 years!!! lol well i got to go ill talk to yall later love ya lots!!!!!!1 *courtney*

im so happy i got to see her. the first time i saw her i almost broke down in tears, i am finally starting to feel like me again. i just dont know how i could have ever done that to her in the first place, i dont know how i ever could have been so stupid, im just so happy i saw her. this summer has really suck, i think it has been the worst one yet, i have done absolutly nothing, and i mean nothing. but thats my fault and i can understand why. i cant wait till school start, i want to see everyone. counting down the days.

im sorry. there are so manys things i want to tell you all. there is a big part of me missing with out you. there is something wrong. very wrong, i see it now. im getting out. im sorry it took me so long to see it when you guys were helping me too, i didnt want to see it cause once in my life i thought i had something that cared about me so much that they would do anything for me, but i was wrong, that person doesnt exist, an i cant belive i put all of you off when i needed you the most. i love you an im sorry. -courtney-

hey yall how have you been? ive been pretty good, im just sitting here waiting for barry to get here cause were going to lay out. hehe i know were losers, but i want to get nice an tan! i highlighted my hair!!!! i was so scared but i didnt cause i never did anything to it before an now its all different. everyone says they like it but my mom doesnt like, figuars anything i do she doesnt like. i really cant belive its summer, so far nothing really exciting is happening, me, kelsey an becca really havent hung out like we did last year, i think cause we all have boyfriends an we are all caught up in our own lives. i really miss them. i miss sammy too, we used to talk all the time, but we never do now. i really wish my pool was open, there is a gay hole in it an we have to get a new one, i was really looking forward to it too. o well i guess i can go up to river chase an swim. there is so much that i want to say but i dont even know what to say or where to srart, but i got to go cause my baby is here! talk to you later luv yall!!!!!!

hey everybody what is up?? not much here, just sitting here being very bored and talking on the phone with my baby, he says hi! seriously school needs to be over, i have 5 more days left an they are going by so freaking slow..an then i have finals all monday, tueday, an wednesday of next week so that is going to suck,,, but i really cant wait for this summer, its going to be so much fun! me, kelsey, an becca can all drive now! yay an kelsey gets a car next month so that will be awsome! i just hope we all hang out all the time an not always have to work. o an that reminds me i need to get a new job, i hope ihop hires me casue i really want to work there! lol i know im weird. my dance recitial is next month and i have no idea how on earth to do the dance. lol kelsey does it pretty good, im just glad that im in the back so nobody can see me this time, cause i have no idea what im doing.lol o well it will be over soon, our costums though are so ugly. lol i love him so much, i dont think anyone really knows how much i love him, even if he does hurt me sometimes, i dont know how i would ever stop loving him, its bad i know but hes like i drug to me and i cant break him.

hey yall, just sitting here in my really hot house about to die of heat. i love the summer, but not when it gets the the point where its so hot its like sticky. me an him were having some hard times, but i think its actually getting better, i think he is actually really different this time, cause he said that he wants to change cause he doesnt want to end up in the position that me an matt were, an i am so happy for that. i dont even have the words to explain how i feel about him. i have never felt this way about anyone before, an i know i am young an i know people say that i dont know what im talking about an i have my whole life to make these kind of desions, but the thing that they dont understand is that i know how i feel an i know when it seems like the right thing to do, i just wish other people could understand that. i really have thought everyhting through an i think its the right thing. last night was fun, i hung out with kelsey, brian, an barry. we went to toys-r-us an looked at everyhting cause i havent been in like 7 years, it wasent actaully that fun now, growing up sucks sometimes. a lot of times actually. but ya i need to start thinking about other people besides myself cause i have been doing that a lot lately, especially my mom. ive been i real bitch to her an i need to stop, cause she is everyhitng to me, i dont know what i would do with out her, i just need to stop being so selfish, i also need to stop lieing too, cause lately i tend to do a lot of that. well i got to go ill talk to yall later! *court*

i really cant belive this is finally happening for me, ive waited soooo long for this, and now its here, you know what they say third time is the charm! i really hope thats true. i broke up with ricky, i had to do it, i couldnt keep telling myself that i liked him when i was really in love with someone else, everybody keeps saying that i made a big mistake and youll regret it, but you know what its not there desion and they dont know how i really feel. a lot of people are mad at me right now, but i could really care less cause if they were real friends then they wouldnt judge my feelings. all i know is that i love him more then anything, an im not going to let it fade away this time, cause i have something really special with him and i never want to let that go. well i got to go to cheerleading ill talk to yall later!!!!!buh bye! court*

i hate school so freakin much now everyhitng is always the same, i keep finding excuses not to go. i only have 25 days left an i seriously dont know if i can handel it. we have a half day tomorrow thank god. i gave ricky his birthday present today lol after his birthday. o well. i hoped he liked it though, if he doesnt well to bad he can go suck an egg! lol hehe, me an kelsey had dance tonihgt, it was so gay, i have no freakin idea what i was doing. lol i hate everyone at our school, seriously i hate it when people have no better things to do besides talk about other people. it drives me insane!!!! an i hate all these new rumors going around, GOSH PEOPLE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! sorry i got kinda angry there. i really need to get away, anywhere away from here, kelsey says we should go to alabama, an i think i know why!!! heheh but serioulsly i just want to go away. i really dont know what to do about this situation, i have two things that i am dealing with right now and both of the situations are very bad, i just need to stop but i dont know how, its too hard. i wont ever be able to do it.

hey everybody! i havent wrote in a long time! my computer was down forever, it really sucked! so ya lots of stuff happened! i made hockey cheerleading tonight!!!! i was so excited!!!!!!ahhhhh but ya me an ricky are still going out, our two month was yesterday, seems like longer than that, his birthday is on tuesday and i have no idea what on earth to get him!!!! ahhhhhhh your staying here what is up with that?? you ushally leave within a month!? maybe things are finally changing.

why cant this be simpler? i want him but no its bad. i cant do it.

this weekend was so weird, but fun at the same time. i dont know why i was with him, and i dont know why he came back, but he did, does that mean something? i wonder. but anyways tofer threw up all over the window and it got all over me an kelsey, it was really gross but funny at the same time, then we did this passing out thing, it is really but and weird, like when you wake up you have like no idea where you are, lol. it felt like i was doing something wrong, maybe i was, but i know they think i did something but i didnt, for a first. i guess its just the fact that we had a past and everyone knew about it, and i think that everyone still thinks we still go together. i dont like it. i went to go play bingo last night, it was actually pretty fun and excitng,lol it was so cute, like all these cute little old ladies sitting in there, lol i could see myself old and going there like everyday. lol things are so weird now, i dont know what to do, sometimes its just so complicated! i got this really great job! i only have to work three hours a day and i make suck good money!! i really need it, cause i need to start saving up for a car, cause i want to buy it, i dont want my parents to buy it, cause i want to have something that is my own. gosh sometimes its soooo freakin hard, cause you want something but you know in like a couple of days its just going to be gone out of your life for a couple of months and then it will come back in again. i just wish it would stay!!!! stay with me forever!!!!!! i want it sooo bad but i know i cant have it,,, ahhhhh........... lol

ya i wonder what he is thinking right now, i really hope hes not mad, cause i really did want to see him tongiht, but i couldnt and it wasent my fault. i just hope he understands that. i think sometimes i do things that guys dont like, but i havent figured out what it is yet, cause like the last few boyfriends that i have really like dumped me, and i really dont know why. i dont know sometimes with them i feel like i am doing something wrong, but i havent found out what that is. i just wish i could find it out. she is back, forever, no more you, never again, i thought we had something but i was wrong, i miss you though, an know that i will always love you.