the cars pass i can hear the tires clash iwht the road. the air that is formed byt these cars bruch throught my hair and five off a feeling of peac and freedom, and open the door to may thoughts. thourghts thinking about everything. everytime im alone some come along with there frieends i like to call happyness and some come with their friends of sadness. but which do i except as friends? i except neather. im tired of feeling alone yes i do have william and amanda but not the touch the feel of thier preasenct i want that more then anythin i hate when im like is a state of depresstion see what happens when im alone i should not be aloud to be amone i just want to get looked up some were. i wan my brain to work as it once was i want to write what i think what i write down now is just what i think im feeling but deep deep down in the core this is not what im feeling i just can not find it. i have noone to talk to . i have noone. i feel so left out of like like it has me traped in a box that is seld so tight non can let me out. I try so hard to beat life in its own game. but im just not storn anoth. its killing me that i dont know myself noone knows me sometime they think they do. they have thier own impresstion they are wrong. becuase i do know wthat even if i dont really know myself. i want to be so much more.BEAUTIFUL not in the outside but in the inside. i want to be free. i want to hang out a car window with my hands in the air and feel the wind in my hair. i want to do it all while listing to that fall too sleep kind of music i like so much. i want to feel anothers persons hand in my own feel thier lips presed against mine. I DONT WANT TO DREAM ANYMORE I JUST WANT TO FLY. i want to lay on the bed and look up at the sailing with soem other then myself i so boring i cant even hold a confersation with myself. what did i do to feel such anguish..i have a problem. i wish i was just a blank piece of meat. chicken maybe. i got invited some were by someone. that has never happened to me before. its very odd. and all i can think about it the negitive like why did they ask me they seem to not like me. i dont dont know i have a feeling they are tring to pull something off like a trick on me or somthing im not likeable. so why would they want me to come along, huh! im boring. on a good note: i told my mother finely about william well a couple of weeks ago and i finely told her today he might be comeing here to see me in december and guess what she said he could stay in our house while he is here. its so weird you think parent would be like you meet someone one line and he is meeting you hell no im calling the cops blah blah well not my mother for some strange reason i guess she can be understanding some times she was like today im just glad you not a lisbo like we thought. i dont know why they even thought that in the first place im just a shy lonely girl thats all thats why i have never really had a love. not because i perfer girls parents always think the worng things like they know psh well i proved them wrong well not i didnt mean it so sound like im just fallin in love with a guy to show them i really do love him. i realised it more then ever last night when i was being depressed he said if i needed a brake then it could be done i told him of course that is not what i want i need him to get me throught the depressing time. i dont think i could make it without him. i need him so much. p.s Amanda you come first though hahaha sorry william. dont be jealous i love you like lovers do. i love Amanda like sister lovin. i have been listening to old school saves the day hmmm they are amazing i have always liked them i think them and taking back sunday is the only kind of music like that i can stand. i perfure my indie please with a side of ovelten. with a side plater of chicken fried rice and i think to drink i would love some green tea with gingsin and honey even if gingsin couses masaive hair growth on ladys. cars and caliories-saves the day best damn beat in all thee east. oh yeah update: i still plan on moving to LA durning the summer so Amanda here i come babe. who's your suger daddy huhaahuha thats right i am. i really need to get my cell fixed i have so many people to talk to. that basically consit of Amanda and william. well i think im going to head to the bathroom and drawl my feet while laying in the bath tub no lie iam really going to do that. its the best place to do that sort of thing. the lighting is right haha its funny a do most my art in the bathroom. even my photography im such a freak. freaky deaky baby. oh its mom hi mom is't ok im just killing her...... the bridge has all ready fallin dont let it be the thing to stop you. because in the end this world is going to give in a surrender.-Amanda olbrys [me]